say more: december 2024

reflections on how hard it is to shake the fear of making mistakes and falling into tropes --and several ways to support our friends in and around LA

In therapy, clients will often recount something to me and then wait. Waiting for me to have a set reaction. But often, they haven’t said what this something meant to them, how they experienced it, what they felt. Which leaves me responding, “Say more…”

This is a monthly series where I explore what I engaged with—TV, books, movies, food, movement, maybe the rogue purchase—and what it made me feel.

One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.

Before we jump in…

I love LA.

I’ve talked about it many times here. I love LA more than any Midwestern gal has any right to. I have no business loving that city. She has nothing for me, but I love her anyway. Seeing these fires eat away at entire neighborhoods is horrifying. Thankfully, my loved ones in and around LA are safe, albeit understandably rattled and uncertain of what happens next. The devastation is impossible to comprehend.

Ways to support:

• Baby2Baby

• LAFD

• California Fire Foundation Wildfire and Disaster Relief Fund.

• The Salvation Army in the Southern California Area

• If you don’t feel comfortable contributing to a larger organization,

  Victoria de la Fuente
  compiled a list of specific people who can use support.

I donated to a family on Victoria’s list and the LAFD. Don’t be shy. Even if it’s $5, it’s something. These are the moments of community that make all the difference.

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January is here. How we all feeling?

As I seem to always feel in January, I feel mostly like shit. If shit was a used up tube of toothpaste with an anxiety disorder and a shockingly weak immune system. I’m hopeful there is a future version of me–one that doesn’t have the two most strenuous weeks at the end of their calendar year—that will float into January with a renewed energy and focus.

But the current reality is I’m dragging my ass into the new year. I’m vaguely sick. Bone tired–to the extent that I’ve shed tears trying to get out of bed in the morning more days than not so far in 2025. I have some low-key TMJ going on. This image won’t be making its way on to anyone’s vision board.

I know the energetic shift will come—it always does. Especially if I just surrender to what January is right now. It’s a transitional space. I’m recalibrating, resting, shedding. All before I can look ahead with any real attuned energy.

For this newsletter, I will be reflecting on December—what I read, watched, ate, loved. It’s a month I look forward to and dread in equal measure. Thankfully this year, there was nary a meltdown, however it was full to the brim of experiences to reflect on.

erns

this vest is starting to make me look suspiciously like a Coloradoan

cozy moments

my son antagonizing my dad giving me more joy than it should

Wellness by Nathan Hill

Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors

Definitely Better Now by Ava Robinson

Wellness by Nathan Hill

I’m really just trying to say roughly 6 months behind the curve on books that are hitting (case in point: I’m slated to read All Fours this month). This novel is not short–coming in at over 600 pages–and spans decades as we watch the two protagonists and partners, Jack and Elizabeth, navigate their past, present, and undetermined future together. I didn’t realize it was set in Chicago before I started reading it. As someone who spent most of their 20’s living there, it was almost painful to read. I winced a few times with longing. Overall, the book is long–some may say too long, It didn’t feel that way until I reached a very strange interlude about algorithms that honestly made me think about DNFing it with only a hundredish pages to go. I didn’t do that–too wreckless for me–and I’m glad I didn’t because the final hundred pages were quite moving, but damn was I close.

Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors

This story follows three sisters as they grieve the death of their fourth—in all the messy, destructive and ultimately connecting ways that can look. I immediately knew these characters–even though I don't necessarily know anyone like them. They were written in such a way–their mannerisms, their ways of thinking and interacting–that they were real to me. My imagination took hold and I could see every scene played out in my mind. The plot alone will let you know it’s an intense read, but only in the way that life inherently is. This book put Mellors firmly on my radar. I will happily read anything else she writes.

Definitely Better Now by Ava Robinson

This novel centers around Emma, just having cleared one year sober and wondering how to start integrating this part of her identity with the rest of her life—How will she date? Should she tell her co-workers she’s sober? To what extent does her sobriety require her to confront her basically absentee and possibly alcoholic father? It’s clear that to commit to her sobriety and get to one year, she–save her AA community–segmented herself off from the rest of the world. I was particularly compelled by the way vulnerability was explored. How she could feel so safe one moment with certain people and then the next, feel like she wanted to run. As a therapist and human being, I can wholeheartedly attest to how when and where we feel safe is a moving living thing. It’s not A person or A place. It always irks me when this is oversimplified in media. One, because it’s not true and two, it makes us feel crazy when that isn’t our experience. There is also a really sweet, fun love story embedded within this one.

“Letting Go” by Angie McMahon

This song came to me by way of the second season of Shrinking (more on that to come). As soon as I heard it building, I scrambled for my phone. It sounds sorta Florence + The Machine-y, but also its own thing entirely. As the name suggests, it’s about letting go. But my favorite part is when she sings, “It's okay, it's okay. Make mistakes, make mistakes” over and over and over again. No matter how long I practice therapy as the therapist and the client, I have a part of me whose whole job is to make sure I avoid as many mistakes as possible. Afraid to get messy, even in the slightest. Will I ever be unburdened of this urge? I don’t know, but songs like this help.

“Medicine” by Daughter

I was reminded of this gem also during an episode of Shrinking season two–I see you music supervisors, Christa Miller (who also plays Liz!!) and Tony Von Pervieux¹—Medicine by Daughter. This song was on heavy rotation for me during such an achy longing, grasping, contending part of my life. It just breaks my heart right open. I was so pleased to be reunited with this heartbreak.

Love to See It episode on ‘While You Were Sleeping’

It’s no secret I’m a big fan of

Claire Fallon

and

Emma Gray

, their newsletter

Rich Text

and podcast, but this recap is my favorite thing they’ve ever done—and While You Were Sleeping is one of the central movies of my youth. There are so many reasons this movie is IT for me that I will save for when I inevitably do a dialoguing on dialogue segment on it–maybe next holiday season–but needless to say it’s IMPORTANT to me. Listening to two other people love it as much as I do–swooning at the same Bill Pullmanisms and the fashion and the beats. I was grinnnnnnning from ear to ear. I may actually listen to this one again. That’s how much fun I had listening.

• MGMT’s “Kids” video

• Paul Mescal hosting SNL

• Shrinking

My roundup for watching this month is a little non-traditional for me in that there is only one TV show I discuss in any detail. Everything else are joyful little moments from across the internet.

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I was flabbergasted to discover this video from 2003 where MGMT plays one of their most famous songs, “Kids,” for their college buds, years before it was released. It’s so quaint, a part of me couldn’t believe this was real. The cynic in me doesn’t believe anything this pure can exist anymore, I guess.² The fashions, the dancing, the footage collected on what could have only been a camcorder. It’s early aughts college nostalgia in a bottle.

In my humble opinion, Paul Mescal, crushed his SNL hosting gig so hard. He seemed near tears during in his monologue because he was so happy and excited, he sang, and he led this incredibly unhinged digital short. This is what I love to see from a host: A total embrace.

Shrinking continues to be solid. I think it may even be getting better–especially the last several episodes of season two. I can see the chemistry of the cast coalescing. I even catch moments where I feel like I can see them as people really laughing at one another. It’s pure joy and heart, for me. As a therapist, I enjoyed this season more than the first because the ethically complex shit with the clients isn’t as central. It’s more about these characters–some of which just happen to be therapists—and how much they have their own shit, but also really need each other to navigate life’s life-ing. As a gal who grew up on Friends, I find it a refreshing return to “friends as family” paradigm during a time when a lot of us need that (myself included).

Final Thoughts: My husband made me—and I do mean, made me—watch Apollo 13 which I’d never seen. I will say this once, I’ll say it 1,000 times, I don’t fuck with space. You can miss me there. We also started The Diplomat on Netflix in December. Will report back more in-depth analysis once we are caught up.

We first had these bangers—Slow-Cooker Chicken Tinga Tacos from New York Times Cooking—at a friend’s house years ago. We have since made them at home several times. They are stupid good. The noises that come out of my mouth as I eat these are obscene. 10 out of 10 recommend, particularly divine in cold winter months. As my dad and Winnie the Pooh would say, “yumbly in the tumbly.”

Restorative Yoga (20 mins)

In December I continued to make the most of this different winterish energy and lob on some yoga whenever I could. I was mush in the best way when this one ended. It would be so lovely to do before bed. I don’t do that enough, but it’s such a treat when I do. Modification: I take a twist of the head on the supine move.³

Yoga For Comfort and Nourishment (25 minutes)

I don’t say this lightly, but this may be one of my favorites from Yoga with Adrienne. It focuses on neck, shoulders and thoracic spine. Maybe it just met me at the right moment—midday between clients—but it got into all my crunchy bits in my neck and upper back. Tip: If you typically like to lift your hips up, I would recommend a block or pillow as the first portion is seated.

A Freestyle Yoga Moment

Sometimes when I feel like I need to move some energy around and I have a keen sense of what I need, I like to forgo an instructor-led yoga class and do a little self-guided movement on the yoga mat. I found this playlist on Spotify and, to sort of quote Love, Actually, to me, it’s perfect. I did this first on Christmas morning after the chaos settled. It can be hard to tear myself away from those high-octane moments and yet, more often than not, when I do, I’m so grateful I did. Modification: If the playlist I link to is too vibey, another favorite freestyle choice is the Long Pond Studio recording of Taylor Swift’s ‘Folklore.’

I’m loving that I followed through on the plan I formulated prior to the holidays—although, if I’m honest, I could have scheduled more rest. Every year there are lessons to learn about how to stay connected in our family of three and also honest about how we are all doing. I can be guilty of going on autopilot to get through an event especially this time of year. Being sober has helped me stay more embodied, but I can still easily slip into patterns of interacting that are distancing—scripts about how to be a good mother, wife, woman, etc. It isn’t until I shake myself awake to wonder, “Am I really here right now?” that I am able to connect.

A few moments of absolute presence came to us via Chappell Roan and the YouTuber poised to take over where Ms. Rachel leaves off:

HOT TO GO!

At a holiday party my son overheard a parent say how much their daughter loved Chappell Roan’s “HOT TO GO!” On the way home, he shyly asked from the backseat if he could hear it. And so began the only song he let me play in the car, other than Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” for the rest of the month. He asks to crank it as loud as I’ll let it go with him in tow and insists anyone in the car with us sing as loud as they can. We play it over and over and over again. It reminds me of all the songs I would scream sing in the car as a kid. A moment of aliveness, for sure.

DANNY GO!

Another occasion for jubilation in our home during December came through a YouTube channel: Danny Go!⁴ It has interactive videos centered around an upbeat and engaging guy, not surprisingly, named Danny. I guess I’d call them gamesesque. There are variations of Floor is Lava, a choreographed dance around wrapping presents, and one where we were pirates cleaning up our deck. Listen, it’s bananas, but it’s also super fun, playful, physically engaging and our son LOVES it.

Timmy with the wisdom; no more energy for anything but honesty; this is so sweet and something Archie would want to know; this Mulaney bit is so unhinged and a little bit how my brain works sometimes; this show is my new obsession and this clip had me; how did we get here?

Looking forward to…

Getting back to my routine, a long weekend in Austin, finally reading All Fours, even though I wrote a strongly worded letter about how I feel about football—I still stand by every word—seeing what happens with the Detroit Lions, an extended family trip where the cuzzies will get together and getting our house ready to sell.

That last one is a lie. I’m not looking forward to it, but it needs to happen.

~peace out 2024 ~ (Also if you’re ever in the Southwest terminal at DIA, check out the outdoor area. It’s legit.)

Questions for you:

1. Where you at in terms of the January energy spectrum?

2. What have you been watching, reading, moving, eating, loving? Any recs?

3. With my new interview series coming up, do you have any burning questions about therapy–regardless of if you’ve been or not?

Two Crowd-sourcing queries:

1. Heading to Austin at the end of the month. Any favorites things I must do? My goal sets are simple: eat good food, relax, and, weather permitting, be outside as much as I can.

2. Every winter here in Denver I verge on hysterics around how dry it is. My skin is struggling. I’m looking for any go-to’s for face and body. Drug store to higher end. I’m willing to try anything at this point.

• Coming up: My next dialoguing on dialogue piece will be on How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I also have the first in an interview series where I will be learning more about people’s experience with therapy.

• Disclaiming.You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.

• Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons! If you DM me, please say something more than “Hi.” I always assume those are bots and will not reply.

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ICYMI:

• Flirting With Dry January?

• Lessons in Wanting

• When You Don’t Feel Belonging Where You Belong

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1. ‘Shrinking’ Music Supervisors Christa Miller And Tony Von Pervieux Talk Episode 7 Needle Drops And Tease ‘Something For Everyone’ In Finale for Deadline by Dessi Gomez

2. For more from this same event, here is a write up from Consequence of Sound and other videos of MGMT performing that day.

3. Even if you don’t have a Peloton membership for their classes–you don’t need a bike or tread to do their strength, yoga, cardio, etc.--it looks like they have a 60 day free promo going on right now

4. If you’re wondering if I see how both of these things consist of the word “Go” and an exclamation point, I really, really do and it troubles me, too. For more on Danny Go!, here is a write up from The Everymom by Erin Celletti