I'm a threenager!! 🎂🎂

and I took the opportunity to study Denzel Washington’s facial expressions and it’s a remarkably good use of my time.

hi!! You’ve found yourself at dialoguing, a newsletter where I talk about life sometimes through the lens of my day job (I’m a psychotherapist) in the least clinical way possible. As the name of this newsletter suggests, I’m conscious of how we talk. to oneself, to each other, in and about pop culture.

One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.¹

Last month, I came across Katie MacBride’s piece “Making a Scene: The most devastating scene in addiction movie history.” No title could have lured me in faster. My thumbs moving more rapidly than the rest of my hand could process. I fumbled my phone to the floor.

me

My mind racing with what would be THE scene in all of film history that could bestow this title.

I click through to see the answer: Flight. Written by John Gatins, directed by Robert Zemeckis, and starring (and I do mean 🌟STARRING🌟) Denzel Washington.

My breath shallow as I read Katie’s recounting of the scene and what it evoked for her. When I finished, I emptied my lungs with a full body exhale. I scoured the internet with tear-stained cheeks so I could watch the scene…and then all the ones surrounding it. I basically watched the movie Frankenstein-style.

Flight seems like it’s about an extraordinary plane crash landing, but really it’s about the daily internal plane crashes many of us are navigating every day.

In one of the final scenes² (I’m about to spoil the whole damn movie, btw), Denzel or “Whip” as he’s known in the film, is talking to a group of fellow incarcerated men about what happened to land him (pun intended) in their company—admitting he was drunk when he miraculously landed the plane after it malfunctioned. He talks about how he could have gotten away with it if he just lied, but he couldn’t. “It was as if I had reached my lifelong limit of lies. I could not tell one more lie.”

He acknowledges he is responsible for what they say. That it’s fair he’s in prison. That he understands those who cannot forgive him–the families of those who died in the crash landing, the people who tried to help him along the way, but he wouldn’t listen.

He finishes his share by saying how grateful he is for his sobriety, “This is gonna sound real stupid coming from a man locked up in prison, but for the first time in my life, I’m free.”

My breath catches again.

I knew what he meant. I wrote about the freedom that comes from laying down the lies and picking up the truth in last year's reflection

“…inside, I’m buzzing with the peace of knowing you couldn’t pay me to give up how alive I feel.

And the truth, nothing gets you higher than feeling liberated from something. I’m higher than a fucking kite.

I’m free.”

Admittedly, I’ve felt much less free in the year since I wrote that. Some of that is our political decline into the depths of hell. The daily reminder that in practical terms me and my neighbors are only as free as this government decides.

The freedom I was talking about was more of an internal, spiritual kind.³ As Whip points out in that scene, he’s in a literal prison—a place not traditionally known for it’s freedom—and yet he feels free because he’s right with himself.

In the final, final scene, his teenage son shows up for visitation, telling him he has to write an essay for college. He needs his dad’s help. Whip replies without hesitation, “You got it.” His son starts, “It’s called, ‘The Most Fascinating Person That I’ve Never Met.’”

(I mean, damn).

Denzel holds his son’s eye contact and then looks down, seeming like there are tears brimming. “OK.” he says. His son clicks the recorder on, places it between them, and looks up at his dad, “So, who are you?” Denzel pauses. Then gives that smile and head tilt. The one many of us know so well.

I

love

him

It’s playful. Warm.

Even though you know it’s a gift, you want more.

As we hear a plane overhead, Denzel replies, “That’s a good question.”

— [Fade to black] —

I mean……. COME ON.⁴

If I had to distill therapeutic work down to one thing, it is this: Can I turn toward myself? Toward all of me? Every part of me? Every memory? Every hurt? Every shadow? Every tender spot that needs me?

Can we? Can you? Can I?

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A few weeks ago I was doing my PT stretches (all my herniated disc ppl, let me hear you say, “heyyyyy”), laying in the supine position on our carpeted bedroom floor. As I gingerly sat up, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I noticed my hair is longer than it has been in a minute—3 years to be precise. I cut my hair into a bob when I was in the contemplation phase of sobriety.

You know how it is with hair. It’s never about the hair. It’s about what the hair represents.

before the chop || the day of the chop

The re-entry into my long(er) hair era wasn’t a conscious decision, but it did occur to me as I stared back at myself, it’s likely I’ve grown out and cut off all the hair from when I was still drinking.⁵ When I was hiding from myself. Lying to myself.

not not true

---

The scene where Whip speaks to his fellow inmates stood out to me. Not just because it’s a masterclass from Denzel about the freedom of the truth, of cutting the bullshit. ✂️✂️✂️✂️

It was mostly because I was envious of him.

I desperately wanted to be in a room like that, in a group like that, laying it bare.

I’ve gone to a couple sobriety meetings as an observer throughout my life. A requirement of my graduate program: attend a few open AA and SMART Recovery meetings. To go for myself, well, the thought had crossed my mind only a million times. But that sneaky fear of not belonging had always been enough to keep me away.

Noticing the pull to dismiss myself again, I stayed with that awareness. It felt eerily similar to how I muffled the whispers I had about getting sober in the first place.

Hmmm, I thought. This is curious.

I reached out to Allison Deraney who writes openly about her experience in The Luckiest Club (an online sobriety support community founded by Laura McKowen). If you know Allison’s writing, you can probably predict what happened next. She was so welcoming and enthusiastic. I told her my 3 year milestone was coming up and I was thinking more seriously about attending a group. I (semi) joked, “I’m doing it backwards, I realize.” She told me unequivocally there is a place for me there and I’m not doing it backwards. I’m doing it the way that works for me.

It’s the way I’ve done most things in my life. Hyper-independent until the wheels inevitably fall off.

I open the app and this is what I see.

.message received.

The words “You Belong Here” stare back at me.

So with nearly 3 years under my belt, I went to the first meeting for me.⁶

While I rarely have the urge to drink alcohol anymore, I do have the compulsion to do what was underneath the drinking nearly every day: disregard myself.

I’ve since gone to a handful of meetings. These rooms help me come back to the sacred privilege and responsibility I have to care for myself day-in and day-out. The reminder that I’m not alone on this spinning orb. That I need—and deserve—love and grounding just like everyone else.

The doubting thoughts still tickled in my brain, “I don’t need that much.”

And then quickly I heard inside, “The fuck you don’t.”

I can not tell one more lie.

---

Other piece’s I’ve written about sobriety:

• Year one: “The One “No” That Made Space for Hundreds of Yeses (and counting)”

• Year two: “reflecting on two years of sobriety”

• “day one”

• “Flirting with Dry January?”

• Do You Tell Clients You’re Sober?

• What Others Couldn’t See May Have Been The Truest Thing About Me

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For more exploration and support.

• The Luckiest Club

• There so many people here on Substack who write about their sobriety. Here are just a few (add in the comments ones I missed): Kaitlyn Ramsay, Sober Gemini, Julie Fontes, Dr. Dana Leigh Lyons, DTCM, Kristen Bear,⁷ and the aforementioned Katie MacBride and Allison Deraney—and SO many more writers and resources on the Sober App Substack.

• Alcoholics Anonymous

• SMART Recovery

in other news:

• You know it’s official when Dermot starts yapping. We are getting a sequel to The Family Stone 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 There is a full-on screenplay and commitment from Craig T. (aka Kelly). This issue I did on the original continues to be one of my most popular (my people<3)

• I’ve added quite a few things from A&F to my MDW sale collection. They are promoting a lot of “bra-free” tops and dresses and not to quote my own column but I’m like say more. Is there a bra within it? Just more padding? I will report back on the actuality of the claim. I got this Linen-Blend Dylan Midi Dress in Red Stripe in the bra-free style, a little tee, and loose shorts. Summer is nearly here and I must surrender.

• Coming up: May’s round-up for paid subscribers, a Week in the Life post, and a fun piece on styling as a therapist.

• Book Club + Workshop Series: The Summer I Learned How to Let Myself Be Bad 😈 on Elise Loehnen’s On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good begins in June!!!!

  • What you can expect from each book club + workshop meeting: a meditation/visualization, journal prompts and time to work through one of your choosing, group discussions on our takeaways and assigning ourselves homework for how we are going to be bad —aka. liberate ourselves from these BS beliefs about what makes us worthy—in the month in-between meetings. Optional: A WhatsApp Group chat for encouragement, accountability, and check-ins in.

    Full Schedule:

    • Sunday June 28th from 10-11:30 am MST || Sloth 🦥

    • Sunday July 19th from 10-11:30 am MST || Envy & Pride

    • Sunday August 9th from 10-11:30 am MST || Gluttony & Greed

    • Sunday September 13th from 10-11:30 am MST || Lust & Anger

    • Sunday October 4th from 10-11:30 am MST || Bonus Sin: Sadness + Closing

    I hope you come to them all, but you can pick and choose which ones jump out to you. Replays will be available if you can’t attend live.⁸

• Disclaiming: Therapy can be great. This ain’t therapy. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.⁹

• Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!

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ICYMI:

1. coffee with... kaitlyn elizabeth.

2. “Let’s Talk Therapy” with Kelly Johnson.

3. “How do you make long distance friendships work?” —AMA #3 where I interview my friends about how I’m doing as a LDF.

4. say more: April 2026—we get into The Pitt, songs that are time machines and exciting news about the next phase of my career…

If this spoke to you and you’d like to support my work, there are lots of ways to show that love:

1. ❤️ || restack || come hang in the comments

2. Share with a friend!

3. Check out my ShopMy page

4. Upgrade to a paid subscription (grants access to the entire archive, monthly round-ups, free workshops—like the one mentioned above or this one on connecting time and values, exclusive In Session with Pop Culture editions about current TV shows—we just finished covering season 3 of Shrinking)

Whether it’s your hype, eyeballs or dollars, I’m so grateful for your support of any kind <3

1. This newsletter gets into several different areas of exploration.

• With the Let’s Talk Therapy questionnaire I get to ask my favorite Substackers about their relationship to therapy.

• In Session with Pop Culture is a series where I watch TV shows and movies or listen to a new album with my therapist hat on.

• The monthly round-ups, say more, covers the previous month of what I’m watching, reading, listening to, eating, moving to and learning—and what it made me feel.

If you’d like to receive some of these sections but not others, you can go to your account settings to opt in and out. Lifestyle content, AMA’s and personal essays, like this one, come through the main dialouging page.

2. A different one than THE scene.

3. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be advocating and voting for the other type for us, too, until my dying day.

4. I read these final two scenes weren’t in the script!!

5. I looked this up and it’s almost exactly that amount. Trippy.

6. I wrote this sentence before I went to make sure I actually did go.

7. Her recent “How to: Epic Sober Summer” is timely and full of grounded and well-rounded support.

8. These workshops are free to paid subscribers. If you were to upgrade, you’d be sent a promo code which can be applied to each meeting.

9. To find a mental health provider, Psychology Today or Zencare can be a place to start. || There are affiliate links on this page! That just means if you click on a link, find something you like and buy it, I’ll make some cash. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra. You can check out my Bookshop.com storefront here and ShopMy here.