This is one of my favorite Christmas movies and reading this analysis felt so validating for why I love this movie so much. For me it's the combination of seeing so much of myself and my family/loved ones in the Stone family, but also the aspirational piece - the ways my family are not like the Stones, which I miss because I've never experienced.
For starters, ever since my own diagnosis of Autism at age 39, I have felt Meredith could be an undiagnosed autistic woman. She doesn't read social queues well, she gets overwhelmed, she has some rigid thought patterns - she even has stim (the throat clearing)! Everett knows Meredith without the mask, but now that he's bringing her into his family, she's had to put the mask on and he doesn't seem to understand that. I've met so many Sybil's in my life, and for so long I never understood why they didn't like me, but now I know that I could never meet their standards and expectations because they're based on feminine neurotypical norms.
My take on the dinner scene is that maybe Meredith has received criticism for not asking other people enough questions, and so she is trying to follow her sister's lead, but does so in a way that she can't see is inappropriate. Maybe she pushes on when she should have stopped because she hates being misunderstood, hates having negative intention assigned to her behavior, and is trying to clarify so that she can reclaim understanding and make the family see that she was only asking out of curiosity, not out of ill will. This is something many people with Autism experience.
Ben is such a good match for Meredith because he does everything in his power to express to her that she need not mask with him - she's safe with him - and eventually, he gains her trust and she lets the mask down.
Amy is another character that I relate to because she's essentially me without my mask. The me my family sees and always wrote off as "oh, that's just how Rachel is." Perhaps Amy is neurodivergent, but here we're seeing what an unmasked, accommodated neurodivergent woman looks like when she feels her family is threatened (by the introduction of a fake woman).
Something that always comes up for me when I watch this movie is they type of father that Kelly is. He is such a caring and present father, and while I love my dad, I've always wondered why my dad is not more like him (hint: turns out it's Autism). It's hard for me to put into words exactly what it is I'm missing, but it's a feeling I have every time I watch this movie. But for the record, I wouldn't exchange my dad for the world.
Finally, the last scene at the first Christmas without Sybil is so hard to watch. My mom died two months before Christmas 7 years ago, and that first Christmas was so difficult. My mom was the matriarch, the sun around which the rest of the family orbited, and we all felt off-kilter that first Christmas. Matriarchs hold so much information and so much of the family culture that can't be replicated or passed down. We try to carry on what traditions we can, but ultimately, we have to evolve to make new ones, especially as new people join the family. That first Christmas is the one where you think you need to do everything just like it's always been done, but in failing, it's also the Christmas when you learn that's just not possible, because part of what made the holiday special was mom's presence - her attentiveness to her children and her children-in-law and her grandchildren, and the magic she created with her decorating and cooking.
I’m with Sarah’s comment below, thank you SO much for sharing this lens. So much of this comes together when I think of it like that—Everett’s seeming confusion on why she’s acting the way she is, the dinner scene where she’s seeking so desperately to be understood.
I really appreciate you sharing what the holidays are like now. Being honest with ourselves about how it feels (rather than what we think it should be like) is so important.
I’m deeply, deeply thankful you shared this perspective.
- I haven’t rewatched this movie since my own ASD late-diagnosis, but it is in my regular Christmas movie rotation so I know it well. As I was reading the original post today, I couldn’t help but make the same connections to autism that you did and you articulated my own experiences so well:
“Maybe she pushes on when she should have stopped because she hates being misunderstood, hates having negative intention assigned to her behavior, and is trying to clarify so that she can reclaim understanding and make the family see that she was only asking out of curiosity, not out of ill will. This is something many people with Autism experience.”
This experience of needing to explain myself in a conflict is the bane of my existence and drives my partner absolutely nuts. THANK YOU for making me feel so seen!
-Also same same: Sybil has always scared me. And Kelly has always made me feel sad/longing.
The nap scene is both my biggest fear and greatest dream for my relationship with my own daughter. Fear of one day being without her or her without me and dream for those simple, beautiful connection moments. Ugh I can’t keep thinking about it without crying, Moving on. I have zero interest in Everette UNTIL he drops his own fake facade and hugs his mother in the kitchen. Can the best ugly cry Emmy go to this man?! And lastly this movie makes me want 4 more kids and a big chaotic house full of noise and smells and cozy (and then I remember my sensory issues and best not lol)
Thank you for bringing to light all of the ways fiction (books, movies, music) is so necessary. This form of art has always made me feel more connected to myself, found paths of growth and clarity than most non fiction and I am loving these deep dives with you!
You're so right about that napping scene. I notice that I still watch it as a daughter and not as a mother--meaning I think about losing my own mother, rather than my child losing me. Which both bring up such intense and differing types of loss...and now I'm tearing up. Moving on, ha!
Yes! That is the best ugly cry ever. I would love to see Dermot talk about that scene and how he got here. It feels so visceral I almost can't even look right at it. It's so raw.
And I am WITH YOU. The only time-- repeat, the only time--I've wanted more than one child is my annual watching of this film. I, too, am incredibly sensitive to sensory overload and would not be able to survive the active childrearing years with 5 children. This may be overly pollyanna but the last few watches, I've started to realize maybe they don't need to be all my kids for me to have this experience someday. Maybe my friends and I will all get together in Chirstmases to come and our adult kids will all be there. I'm hoping that can be my version of this.
--I'm so glad you read and shared what this brought up for you! And there will be more of these to come! If you ever have a movie you'd like me to do one of these on, let me know! Taking request ;)
-It's also on Prime for people who don't have Hulu.
-I (hides behind hands) loathe Diane Keaton. I think it's her chaotic energy in every movie!
-Amy's "Oh, of course you do.” is the best-delivered line of the whole thing.
-I want your therapist thoughts on the sibling swap! That is my main rub with this movie, and I don't think people talk about it enough. How do you date someone your sibling was with for a year+, had sex with, and almost married?! It is SO WEIRD, and I'll never be a fan of this movie because of it.
That is THE question when it comes to this movie. It's obviously not without it's complications. If you make a choice such as that, you'd have to be ready for so many difficult conversations and situations. The is a part of me that would say in this situation, I could see it being some "easy" to navigate because of how inorganic Everett and Meredith's relationship was in the first place. Now, if they had been MADLY in love and then swapped, that would be more challenging. I do know a few people throughout my life where this happened (not a full swap, resulting in a square, but someone dating an ex's sibling) and remarkably, they figured it out. Certainly not easy, but if everyone is willing to have tough conversations and be honest with themselves, it can work.
WHAT. You know people who've done that? Wild. My reaction probably says more about my relationship with my siblings and our taste in people than anything else. But that is one thing I don't think I could ever process.
hahah. that makes A LOT of sense. And typically that is more the case, we may like/tolerate/love our sibling's partners, but often also think, "I could never be partnered with them long-term" because of how different we can be from our siblings.
I love this movie and this analysis so perfectly captures all the reasons why. I am overjoyed Anne Helen Petersen linked to it in her most recent paid edition of Culture Study. The Family Stone always makes me cry and this write up did, too. The tears became impossible to hold back when I got to the question, “Can I trust that I’m worthy just as I am?” ... Kaitlyn, your assessment that, "Deep down, most of us have a fear that we aren’t good enough or that we are bad in some way," sums up years of therapy. Thank you for watching and writing.
🥹🥹 this means a lot to me. I appreciate you articulating what spoke to you. (Also thanks for naming the Anne Helen Peterson bit. I was getting very confused by all the traffic and this helped clarify that.)
My husband and I introduced the Family Stone to his family last Christmas, and let's just say it did NOT go well. They were all on the side of hating the movie, much to our dismay because we LOVE IT.
What you said about it bringing up things for people resonates. I think it's confronting for a lot of people...showing us sides of ourselves that we'd rather not be reminded of, especially during the holidays (even though these sides almost ALWAYS resurface during this time of year).
Also..."Everything you need to know about Meredith is in the hair evolution" could not be more spot on hahaha. I love it.
I showed it to my husband last year and he had the same reaction as your husband’s family: hated it. He did not find anything redeemable about Meredith after the dinner party scene and could not get past Everett ending up with Julie (which is WEIRD and also in my view a convenient plot device). Upon re-watch, Meredith’s dinner party argument Re: gay couples having kids is absolute cringe. Doesn’t hold up well, but people actually talked like that in the early aughts!
Yes. That dinner conversation gets more shocking with time-although I’m sure some dinner tables will have some version of that this year. I hope when my son watches this someday, he’s like what in the actual heck is this?!?!
I completely forgot about this movie until I saw your post. I watched it again yesterday (after a long hiatus) and am here to THANK YOU for the nod. I especially like how you throw it out there that we all may be an amalgamation of all the characters. Umm yeah. I feel that.
The dinner scene is what seals this movie in my heart and mind as gold.
The exchange between Sybil and Thad, at the very end of the scene, her throwing the fork at him and signing I love you followed by "you might be the most normal asshole at this table." GAH!!!!! I loooooose it.
Yay! I’m glad this gave you a nudge to dip into it again. There is just something about this movie. A magic sauce. —and yes, that moment. I used to talk over that scene as her and I was asked not to stop that 😂😂 my acting career has been suspended…for now.
I have only seen it a couple times- it is an uncomfortable movie to sit through and I have to be in a particular mood that I am not always emotionally prepared to sit in. I did see it in theaters with my mom and sister- I cried then but the women in my family are quite used to me crying!
I loved the gift from Meredith. I loved how Ben was able to reach her. Now as a married person, I saw very similar Meredith energy with one of my SILs- she wasn’t uptight exactly but just trying really hard and didn’t ease into the family as easily- I talked to her at the time on a beach trip and she confessed she was feeling left out and here 10 years later I think the relationship between all the family members has truly evolved. This piece made me think also while none of us have the same parents, we also don’t have the same in-laws! My experience of my MIL is not identical to that of the other Heydary wives.
SJP was phenomenal in this movie. That dinner scene is one I watch in clips frequently- it brought up a lot for me too with the ND kid feelings of “wanting to be normal”- this movie hits differently as a parent as well.
And to speak to the sibling swatch aspect- it is SO gross to me, I literally don’t know anyone who has ever done this in real life, I don’t think I could get over it. I told my kid recently while talking about crushes that the last time my sister and I liked the same boy we were 7 yo. along with every other girl in second grade we all thought the same boy was cute- I liked him even more in 5th grade when he was the camera man when I was the anchor on the morning news show but needless to say my 5th grade relationship never amounted to much! And my sister had zero interest then. 30 years later it was never an issue again. And certainly never an issue for my husband and his brothers.
My favorite scene was when Elizabeth Reaser sits with Amy while watching Meet Me in St Louis- another movie I can’t watch every year because “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is too fraught now! My sister’s pregnancy loss in 2021, the loss of a baby who was due at Christmas made us all sadder- and we also dealt with the death of my grandmother and glioblastoma diagnosis for my uncle that fall. I don’t recall a lot about that particular Christmas but the holidays bring up a lot of grief.
I think a lot about this invisible labor as I get little participation in decorating from my 3 other household members but my oldest kid hung significantly more ornaments this year.
I may actually rewatch this year though!
Side note on Dermot Mulroney- MBFW is one of my all time favorite movies and that scene where Michael sings to Jules on the boat makes me swoon. I loved her face when she let the moment pass her by to confess her love. Chicago has been on my list of places to visit for a while and I have been telling my husband he has to reenact that scene with me for years!
I so appreciate you sharing what this movie evokes in you. I can see the many ways it shines a light on really tough experiences which, to your point, would make it a film one could only watch when in the space to maybe swim through some of those emotions.
And I AM WITH YOU about that scene from MBFW. You have to go to Chicago, and when you do, I have so many recommendations and the architectural boat tour through the center of the city would give you the exact moment for your husband to sign that song to you.
Information I feel like you need to the Diane Keaton of it all. I went on a quest to get my very own Sybill robe one year and after hours of searching discovered the patterned robe she wears is a vintage Beacon robe "from Ms. Keaton's private collection."
I hadn’t watched this movie in years and I almost turned it off after 20 minutes because I couldn’t stand how mean they were being to Meredith. (Why yes, I am incredibly shy and socially un-gifted and a recovering perfectionist, thank you for asking.) I know exactly what it’s like to have people just…not like me, for reasons I don’t quite understand. But in real life I have never met anyone quite so rigid as Meredith — and I’m German, lol. The sleeping in separate beds thing is just a bridge too far for me. But seriously WHY couldn’t Everett sleep on the couch?!
So yeah, as someone who is perpetually self-conscious and, at 40, still learning not to start every sentence with “sorry” — overall I definitely identified with Meredith and felt like not enough effort was made to make her feel welcome. Now that I have children I understand more the reasons behind it, in terms of their worrying about Everett making a mistake with her. But still. I think I would’ve gone to the inn too.
Luke Wilson is everything in this movie. I want him to be in more things. He’s just so damn charming.
I’m neutral on Diane Keaton as an actress, but I really disliked her character early in the movie. I feel like she sets the tone for the disrespect and lack of welcome for Meredith. She wins me over as she softens and the toll her illness is taking becomes apparent, but that’s probably mostly because I was thinking about being in that position with my own children one day.
I understand why the dinner table scene was important to the story but I also felt like buttoned-up Meredith would have more decorum than to express her opinions so tactlessly? And personally I would have shut down at the first sign of conflict, not keep pushing forward. I don’t know, her character’s behaviour in that scene just doesn’t ring true for me based on what we were shown about her thus far in the film.
Ok I clearly have way too many opinions about this movie lol. It is so so good. Such a great cast. I’m definitely adding it to my yearly watch list.
You have exactly the right number of opinions about this movie. Your feedback got me so excited!
-I appreciate what you said about how quickly you could feel their treatment of her was cold. It's been interesting in writing this to see how many people feel the way you did. I have some shame around how long it took me to get there myself. A growing edge for me, for sure.
-"I know exactly what it’s like to have people just…not like me, for reasons I don’t quite understand. " This really, really landed for me. I've had that feeling throughout my life, and especially over the last year this has had a resurgence. It's such a specific feeling that I think is well demonstrated in this movie, too.
--The Everett not sleeping on the couch is insane.
--Agreed, Luke Wilson in more things is what we all need right now.
--So, about the dinner scene. I wish I could take credit for this take I'm about to share, but a friend of mine (shoutout Lizzy) introduced this framing to me. Her take was that Meredith saw Julie get praise and adoration for her inquisition about their adoption process and Meredith maybe felt threatened by that or thought maybe she could also get some warmth that way. Which I could see with that lens that fitting her persona a bit more--she's reading the room, tracking, noticing ways to get more positive attention.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your takes!
Ah, that’s an interesting idea about her motivation in the dinner scene! That does make sense.
No shame about your experience of the family dynamic toward Meredith! We all come at things from such different angles based on our experiences and personalities. That’s why I found your thoughts on Meredith so interesting because they were so different than mine.
Looking forward to reading more of these from you :)
Everything about this is SO good and brings up so many thoughts and emotions for me.
"I’ve learned through being a therapist that sometimes the way you feel with a person can be reflective not only of something happening in you, but also of what the person across from you is feeling inside." ... omg??? Will be thinking about this forever???
Also lol @ how expensive it is to get shit framed. I'm on a Frame Journey myself and didn't realize I needed to sell plasma to afford it but ok
My main things: I think you're right that Ben is great at meeting Meredith where she is. I think (but who knows lol) I'm pretty good at that. I like to think I can do alright at making people comfortable even if I have to adjust My Own Ways a little. But I'm sooo far apart from Ben in that I'm not laid back. I try way too hard. I'm very anxious. When I watch him on screen I feel envy about a personality like that the way you feel it about the Stone house (I envy that, too).
Also as someone who doesn't have kids and probably won't, something always stirs up inside me when I watch this re: being an older person with a house full of grown, cool children + their families. I feel a yearning for a kind of thing I'll likely never experience. I won't be a chic, world-wise grandmother with big chunky rings, alas.
I'm so tickled this brought you so much reflection.
--Truly, one of my favorite life hacks is that one.
--Framing may be the biggest racket there is. I'm open to being wrong, but like show me an itemized invoice of how and why it costs as much as it does
--I feel you on the envy for Ben's demeanor. It's a way of moving through the world that I can't really access all that often. To your point, I can help people feel more comfortable, but it's usually by trying too hard (the Meredith in me).
--I've heard from so many people over the years share a similar feeling about that yearning. Seeing them all together in that home evokes something so deep for a lot of us. Even though it's chaotic and kind of cramped and I'm personally prone to overstimulation, it still feels cozy and alive and full and the opposite of the isolation and loneliness that many of us feel. (that is my take anyway). I do wish for you the chunky rings and whatever kind of community lights you up <3
thank you for reading and sharing how it affected you <3
I have this movie on a loop every year starting December 15. I can overlook all the cringey moments, I’m here for the VIBES: the cluttered house, the giant north face coats, the score, the pitch perfect performances. My boyfriend sobbed when I showed it to him two years ago (the correct response).
I come from a family of east coast-to-Midwest transplants and “would you take that GOD-DAMN tie off” is absolutely something you would hear in my family. I also think how rude they are at times is a form of wish-fulfillment; what if you could just say what you mean to the insanely off-brand interloper??
I love the themes of “phoniness,” it starts out seeming childish and silly but progresses to Everett being like I DIDN’T CHOOSE MY LIFE. That’s such a relatable and beautiful revelation, and why I think the Rocky-esque triumphant shot of him at the end is totally earned and iconic. He’s chooooosinggggg!!!! I really think the whole movie is a meditation on authenticity, and I think you’re totally right that the Stones are also into play-acting their little bohemian Victorian house college town thing.
My least favorite part of the movie is Julie telling Everett about the ~totem pole~ it literally makes my skin crawl.
My favorite line of the movie is “You scooped me up. With a big red shovel.” I find that to be painfully romantic, no notes.
Thank you thank you thank you for calling out the scooping up with a big red shovel moment. I didn't say anything about it because I had fully melted into a puddle on the ground and could no longer type. That phrasing never struck me until this watching of it. I've always viewed it from the perspective that Ben is just "out-there" and this is silly, but this time, I found it so, so moving.
Wow thank you for writing everything I always wished to write about this movie. One of my favorite movies ever. But I can’t STAND the freakin totem pole scene. Ugh. So boring.
Aww, wow--thank you for your kind words! (and yes, same to that science, what are we even doing? it's boring, it feels like virtue signaling, it's just not it)
This is one of my favorite Christmas movies and reading this analysis felt so validating for why I love this movie so much. For me it's the combination of seeing so much of myself and my family/loved ones in the Stone family, but also the aspirational piece - the ways my family are not like the Stones, which I miss because I've never experienced.
For starters, ever since my own diagnosis of Autism at age 39, I have felt Meredith could be an undiagnosed autistic woman. She doesn't read social queues well, she gets overwhelmed, she has some rigid thought patterns - she even has stim (the throat clearing)! Everett knows Meredith without the mask, but now that he's bringing her into his family, she's had to put the mask on and he doesn't seem to understand that. I've met so many Sybil's in my life, and for so long I never understood why they didn't like me, but now I know that I could never meet their standards and expectations because they're based on feminine neurotypical norms.
My take on the dinner scene is that maybe Meredith has received criticism for not asking other people enough questions, and so she is trying to follow her sister's lead, but does so in a way that she can't see is inappropriate. Maybe she pushes on when she should have stopped because she hates being misunderstood, hates having negative intention assigned to her behavior, and is trying to clarify so that she can reclaim understanding and make the family see that she was only asking out of curiosity, not out of ill will. This is something many people with Autism experience.
Ben is such a good match for Meredith because he does everything in his power to express to her that she need not mask with him - she's safe with him - and eventually, he gains her trust and she lets the mask down.
Amy is another character that I relate to because she's essentially me without my mask. The me my family sees and always wrote off as "oh, that's just how Rachel is." Perhaps Amy is neurodivergent, but here we're seeing what an unmasked, accommodated neurodivergent woman looks like when she feels her family is threatened (by the introduction of a fake woman).
Something that always comes up for me when I watch this movie is they type of father that Kelly is. He is such a caring and present father, and while I love my dad, I've always wondered why my dad is not more like him (hint: turns out it's Autism). It's hard for me to put into words exactly what it is I'm missing, but it's a feeling I have every time I watch this movie. But for the record, I wouldn't exchange my dad for the world.
Finally, the last scene at the first Christmas without Sybil is so hard to watch. My mom died two months before Christmas 7 years ago, and that first Christmas was so difficult. My mom was the matriarch, the sun around which the rest of the family orbited, and we all felt off-kilter that first Christmas. Matriarchs hold so much information and so much of the family culture that can't be replicated or passed down. We try to carry on what traditions we can, but ultimately, we have to evolve to make new ones, especially as new people join the family. That first Christmas is the one where you think you need to do everything just like it's always been done, but in failing, it's also the Christmas when you learn that's just not possible, because part of what made the holiday special was mom's presence - her attentiveness to her children and her children-in-law and her grandchildren, and the magic she created with her decorating and cooking.
I’m with Sarah’s comment below, thank you SO much for sharing this lens. So much of this comes together when I think of it like that—Everett’s seeming confusion on why she’s acting the way she is, the dinner scene where she’s seeking so desperately to be understood.
I really appreciate you sharing what the holidays are like now. Being honest with ourselves about how it feels (rather than what we think it should be like) is so important.
I’m deeply, deeply thankful you shared this perspective.
- I haven’t rewatched this movie since my own ASD late-diagnosis, but it is in my regular Christmas movie rotation so I know it well. As I was reading the original post today, I couldn’t help but make the same connections to autism that you did and you articulated my own experiences so well:
“Maybe she pushes on when she should have stopped because she hates being misunderstood, hates having negative intention assigned to her behavior, and is trying to clarify so that she can reclaim understanding and make the family see that she was only asking out of curiosity, not out of ill will. This is something many people with Autism experience.”
This experience of needing to explain myself in a conflict is the bane of my existence and drives my partner absolutely nuts. THANK YOU for making me feel so seen!
-Also same same: Sybil has always scared me. And Kelly has always made me feel sad/longing.
And I feel seen by your comment!
Such a great point!!
Wooowww I loved your thoughts!! Thank you for sharing them!
Same same same!!
The nap scene is both my biggest fear and greatest dream for my relationship with my own daughter. Fear of one day being without her or her without me and dream for those simple, beautiful connection moments. Ugh I can’t keep thinking about it without crying, Moving on. I have zero interest in Everette UNTIL he drops his own fake facade and hugs his mother in the kitchen. Can the best ugly cry Emmy go to this man?! And lastly this movie makes me want 4 more kids and a big chaotic house full of noise and smells and cozy (and then I remember my sensory issues and best not lol)
Thank you for bringing to light all of the ways fiction (books, movies, music) is so necessary. This form of art has always made me feel more connected to myself, found paths of growth and clarity than most non fiction and I am loving these deep dives with you!
You're so right about that napping scene. I notice that I still watch it as a daughter and not as a mother--meaning I think about losing my own mother, rather than my child losing me. Which both bring up such intense and differing types of loss...and now I'm tearing up. Moving on, ha!
Yes! That is the best ugly cry ever. I would love to see Dermot talk about that scene and how he got here. It feels so visceral I almost can't even look right at it. It's so raw.
And I am WITH YOU. The only time-- repeat, the only time--I've wanted more than one child is my annual watching of this film. I, too, am incredibly sensitive to sensory overload and would not be able to survive the active childrearing years with 5 children. This may be overly pollyanna but the last few watches, I've started to realize maybe they don't need to be all my kids for me to have this experience someday. Maybe my friends and I will all get together in Chirstmases to come and our adult kids will all be there. I'm hoping that can be my version of this.
--I'm so glad you read and shared what this brought up for you! And there will be more of these to come! If you ever have a movie you'd like me to do one of these on, let me know! Taking request ;)
Kate and Leopold (I sob at the end every time)
Great rec!!
Came here from AHP and just loved this. That line about no two people having the same parents rocked me like a fishing boat when I first heard it.
Welcome!! I’m so glad you came across it—and, same!!
Me too!!!!
This assessment is incredible. I have so many thoughts - I read it twice.
1. The Christmas scene in my opinion is one of most effortlessly emotional pieces of film I've seen.
2. The gift from Meredith showed her heart even if she came off as a rigid bitch.
3. That was one of SJP's best performances outside of SATC
4. Luke Wilson was the perfect character in this movie.
Now THAT is the ultimate compliment to me--thank you!!
I wholehearted agree with your assessment here.
Ok, a few things:
-It's also on Prime for people who don't have Hulu.
-I (hides behind hands) loathe Diane Keaton. I think it's her chaotic energy in every movie!
-Amy's "Oh, of course you do.” is the best-delivered line of the whole thing.
-I want your therapist thoughts on the sibling swap! That is my main rub with this movie, and I don't think people talk about it enough. How do you date someone your sibling was with for a year+, had sex with, and almost married?! It is SO WEIRD, and I'll never be a fan of this movie because of it.
Ooo good catch about Prime! I'll add that.
That is THE question when it comes to this movie. It's obviously not without it's complications. If you make a choice such as that, you'd have to be ready for so many difficult conversations and situations. The is a part of me that would say in this situation, I could see it being some "easy" to navigate because of how inorganic Everett and Meredith's relationship was in the first place. Now, if they had been MADLY in love and then swapped, that would be more challenging. I do know a few people throughout my life where this happened (not a full swap, resulting in a square, but someone dating an ex's sibling) and remarkably, they figured it out. Certainly not easy, but if everyone is willing to have tough conversations and be honest with themselves, it can work.
WHAT. You know people who've done that? Wild. My reaction probably says more about my relationship with my siblings and our taste in people than anything else. But that is one thing I don't think I could ever process.
hahah. that makes A LOT of sense. And typically that is more the case, we may like/tolerate/love our sibling's partners, but often also think, "I could never be partnered with them long-term" because of how different we can be from our siblings.
I agree, it is weird, but I overlook it for all the rest, LOL
I love this movie and this analysis so perfectly captures all the reasons why. I am overjoyed Anne Helen Petersen linked to it in her most recent paid edition of Culture Study. The Family Stone always makes me cry and this write up did, too. The tears became impossible to hold back when I got to the question, “Can I trust that I’m worthy just as I am?” ... Kaitlyn, your assessment that, "Deep down, most of us have a fear that we aren’t good enough or that we are bad in some way," sums up years of therapy. Thank you for watching and writing.
🥹🥹 this means a lot to me. I appreciate you articulating what spoke to you. (Also thanks for naming the Anne Helen Peterson bit. I was getting very confused by all the traffic and this helped clarify that.)
My husband and I introduced the Family Stone to his family last Christmas, and let's just say it did NOT go well. They were all on the side of hating the movie, much to our dismay because we LOVE IT.
What you said about it bringing up things for people resonates. I think it's confronting for a lot of people...showing us sides of ourselves that we'd rather not be reminded of, especially during the holidays (even though these sides almost ALWAYS resurface during this time of year).
Also..."Everything you need to know about Meredith is in the hair evolution" could not be more spot on hahaha. I love it.
I showed it to my husband last year and he had the same reaction as your husband’s family: hated it. He did not find anything redeemable about Meredith after the dinner party scene and could not get past Everett ending up with Julie (which is WEIRD and also in my view a convenient plot device). Upon re-watch, Meredith’s dinner party argument Re: gay couples having kids is absolute cringe. Doesn’t hold up well, but people actually talked like that in the early aughts!
ETA: I still adore the movie.
Yes. That dinner conversation gets more shocking with time-although I’m sure some dinner tables will have some version of that this year. I hope when my son watches this someday, he’s like what in the actual heck is this?!?!
I give you so much credit for offering that to his family. I’d be so curious to know what they hated.
And thank you for calling out the hair evolution part. 🙏🏼🙏🏼
I completely forgot about this movie until I saw your post. I watched it again yesterday (after a long hiatus) and am here to THANK YOU for the nod. I especially like how you throw it out there that we all may be an amalgamation of all the characters. Umm yeah. I feel that.
The dinner scene is what seals this movie in my heart and mind as gold.
The exchange between Sybil and Thad, at the very end of the scene, her throwing the fork at him and signing I love you followed by "you might be the most normal asshole at this table." GAH!!!!! I loooooose it.
Yay! I’m glad this gave you a nudge to dip into it again. There is just something about this movie. A magic sauce. —and yes, that moment. I used to talk over that scene as her and I was asked not to stop that 😂😂 my acting career has been suspended…for now.
😂
I have only seen it a couple times- it is an uncomfortable movie to sit through and I have to be in a particular mood that I am not always emotionally prepared to sit in. I did see it in theaters with my mom and sister- I cried then but the women in my family are quite used to me crying!
I loved the gift from Meredith. I loved how Ben was able to reach her. Now as a married person, I saw very similar Meredith energy with one of my SILs- she wasn’t uptight exactly but just trying really hard and didn’t ease into the family as easily- I talked to her at the time on a beach trip and she confessed she was feeling left out and here 10 years later I think the relationship between all the family members has truly evolved. This piece made me think also while none of us have the same parents, we also don’t have the same in-laws! My experience of my MIL is not identical to that of the other Heydary wives.
SJP was phenomenal in this movie. That dinner scene is one I watch in clips frequently- it brought up a lot for me too with the ND kid feelings of “wanting to be normal”- this movie hits differently as a parent as well.
And to speak to the sibling swatch aspect- it is SO gross to me, I literally don’t know anyone who has ever done this in real life, I don’t think I could get over it. I told my kid recently while talking about crushes that the last time my sister and I liked the same boy we were 7 yo. along with every other girl in second grade we all thought the same boy was cute- I liked him even more in 5th grade when he was the camera man when I was the anchor on the morning news show but needless to say my 5th grade relationship never amounted to much! And my sister had zero interest then. 30 years later it was never an issue again. And certainly never an issue for my husband and his brothers.
My favorite scene was when Elizabeth Reaser sits with Amy while watching Meet Me in St Louis- another movie I can’t watch every year because “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is too fraught now! My sister’s pregnancy loss in 2021, the loss of a baby who was due at Christmas made us all sadder- and we also dealt with the death of my grandmother and glioblastoma diagnosis for my uncle that fall. I don’t recall a lot about that particular Christmas but the holidays bring up a lot of grief.
I think a lot about this invisible labor as I get little participation in decorating from my 3 other household members but my oldest kid hung significantly more ornaments this year.
I may actually rewatch this year though!
Side note on Dermot Mulroney- MBFW is one of my all time favorite movies and that scene where Michael sings to Jules on the boat makes me swoon. I loved her face when she let the moment pass her by to confess her love. Chicago has been on my list of places to visit for a while and I have been telling my husband he has to reenact that scene with me for years!
I so appreciate you sharing what this movie evokes in you. I can see the many ways it shines a light on really tough experiences which, to your point, would make it a film one could only watch when in the space to maybe swim through some of those emotions.
And I AM WITH YOU about that scene from MBFW. You have to go to Chicago, and when you do, I have so many recommendations and the architectural boat tour through the center of the city would give you the exact moment for your husband to sign that song to you.
Information I feel like you need to the Diane Keaton of it all. I went on a quest to get my very own Sybill robe one year and after hours of searching discovered the patterned robe she wears is a vintage Beacon robe "from Ms. Keaton's private collection."
You are 100% correct that I needed this info. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I hadn’t watched this movie in years and I almost turned it off after 20 minutes because I couldn’t stand how mean they were being to Meredith. (Why yes, I am incredibly shy and socially un-gifted and a recovering perfectionist, thank you for asking.) I know exactly what it’s like to have people just…not like me, for reasons I don’t quite understand. But in real life I have never met anyone quite so rigid as Meredith — and I’m German, lol. The sleeping in separate beds thing is just a bridge too far for me. But seriously WHY couldn’t Everett sleep on the couch?!
So yeah, as someone who is perpetually self-conscious and, at 40, still learning not to start every sentence with “sorry” — overall I definitely identified with Meredith and felt like not enough effort was made to make her feel welcome. Now that I have children I understand more the reasons behind it, in terms of their worrying about Everett making a mistake with her. But still. I think I would’ve gone to the inn too.
Luke Wilson is everything in this movie. I want him to be in more things. He’s just so damn charming.
I’m neutral on Diane Keaton as an actress, but I really disliked her character early in the movie. I feel like she sets the tone for the disrespect and lack of welcome for Meredith. She wins me over as she softens and the toll her illness is taking becomes apparent, but that’s probably mostly because I was thinking about being in that position with my own children one day.
I understand why the dinner table scene was important to the story but I also felt like buttoned-up Meredith would have more decorum than to express her opinions so tactlessly? And personally I would have shut down at the first sign of conflict, not keep pushing forward. I don’t know, her character’s behaviour in that scene just doesn’t ring true for me based on what we were shown about her thus far in the film.
Ok I clearly have way too many opinions about this movie lol. It is so so good. Such a great cast. I’m definitely adding it to my yearly watch list.
You have exactly the right number of opinions about this movie. Your feedback got me so excited!
-I appreciate what you said about how quickly you could feel their treatment of her was cold. It's been interesting in writing this to see how many people feel the way you did. I have some shame around how long it took me to get there myself. A growing edge for me, for sure.
-"I know exactly what it’s like to have people just…not like me, for reasons I don’t quite understand. " This really, really landed for me. I've had that feeling throughout my life, and especially over the last year this has had a resurgence. It's such a specific feeling that I think is well demonstrated in this movie, too.
--The Everett not sleeping on the couch is insane.
--Agreed, Luke Wilson in more things is what we all need right now.
--So, about the dinner scene. I wish I could take credit for this take I'm about to share, but a friend of mine (shoutout Lizzy) introduced this framing to me. Her take was that Meredith saw Julie get praise and adoration for her inquisition about their adoption process and Meredith maybe felt threatened by that or thought maybe she could also get some warmth that way. Which I could see with that lens that fitting her persona a bit more--she's reading the room, tracking, noticing ways to get more positive attention.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your takes!
Ah, that’s an interesting idea about her motivation in the dinner scene! That does make sense.
No shame about your experience of the family dynamic toward Meredith! We all come at things from such different angles based on our experiences and personalities. That’s why I found your thoughts on Meredith so interesting because they were so different than mine.
Looking forward to reading more of these from you :)
Everything about this is SO good and brings up so many thoughts and emotions for me.
"I’ve learned through being a therapist that sometimes the way you feel with a person can be reflective not only of something happening in you, but also of what the person across from you is feeling inside." ... omg??? Will be thinking about this forever???
Also lol @ how expensive it is to get shit framed. I'm on a Frame Journey myself and didn't realize I needed to sell plasma to afford it but ok
My main things: I think you're right that Ben is great at meeting Meredith where she is. I think (but who knows lol) I'm pretty good at that. I like to think I can do alright at making people comfortable even if I have to adjust My Own Ways a little. But I'm sooo far apart from Ben in that I'm not laid back. I try way too hard. I'm very anxious. When I watch him on screen I feel envy about a personality like that the way you feel it about the Stone house (I envy that, too).
Also as someone who doesn't have kids and probably won't, something always stirs up inside me when I watch this re: being an older person with a house full of grown, cool children + their families. I feel a yearning for a kind of thing I'll likely never experience. I won't be a chic, world-wise grandmother with big chunky rings, alas.
God, this movie! Thank you for your service.
I'm so tickled this brought you so much reflection.
--Truly, one of my favorite life hacks is that one.
--Framing may be the biggest racket there is. I'm open to being wrong, but like show me an itemized invoice of how and why it costs as much as it does
--I feel you on the envy for Ben's demeanor. It's a way of moving through the world that I can't really access all that often. To your point, I can help people feel more comfortable, but it's usually by trying too hard (the Meredith in me).
--I've heard from so many people over the years share a similar feeling about that yearning. Seeing them all together in that home evokes something so deep for a lot of us. Even though it's chaotic and kind of cramped and I'm personally prone to overstimulation, it still feels cozy and alive and full and the opposite of the isolation and loneliness that many of us feel. (that is my take anyway). I do wish for you the chunky rings and whatever kind of community lights you up <3
thank you for reading and sharing how it affected you <3
I have this movie on a loop every year starting December 15. I can overlook all the cringey moments, I’m here for the VIBES: the cluttered house, the giant north face coats, the score, the pitch perfect performances. My boyfriend sobbed when I showed it to him two years ago (the correct response).
I come from a family of east coast-to-Midwest transplants and “would you take that GOD-DAMN tie off” is absolutely something you would hear in my family. I also think how rude they are at times is a form of wish-fulfillment; what if you could just say what you mean to the insanely off-brand interloper??
I love the themes of “phoniness,” it starts out seeming childish and silly but progresses to Everett being like I DIDN’T CHOOSE MY LIFE. That’s such a relatable and beautiful revelation, and why I think the Rocky-esque triumphant shot of him at the end is totally earned and iconic. He’s chooooosinggggg!!!! I really think the whole movie is a meditation on authenticity, and I think you’re totally right that the Stones are also into play-acting their little bohemian Victorian house college town thing.
My least favorite part of the movie is Julie telling Everett about the ~totem pole~ it literally makes my skin crawl.
My favorite line of the movie is “You scooped me up. With a big red shovel.” I find that to be painfully romantic, no notes.
Thank you thank you thank you for calling out the scooping up with a big red shovel moment. I didn't say anything about it because I had fully melted into a puddle on the ground and could no longer type. That phrasing never struck me until this watching of it. I've always viewed it from the perspective that Ben is just "out-there" and this is silly, but this time, I found it so, so moving.
Wow thank you for writing everything I always wished to write about this movie. One of my favorite movies ever. But I can’t STAND the freakin totem pole scene. Ugh. So boring.
Aww, wow--thank you for your kind words! (and yes, same to that science, what are we even doing? it's boring, it feels like virtue signaling, it's just not it)
What is the appropriate reaction for my dad saying I’m like Amy?! He truly means it as a compliment 🤣
it IS a compliment. I know so many people who love Amy's character the most. Whatever she's doing, she's not holding back. It's refreshing.
Smart as a tack? Doesn’t let anything slip by?
Ahhh I’ll take it!!
I’m the Amy in my family. Some days I resent it but most days I wear it as a badge of honor.
I would love to see this as actual badge. Like an embroidered, “I’m the Amy”
I couldn’t watch it… turned it off halfway through
You're not alone in that. Many people loathe this one. I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts either way!
De nada... since the election, I find myself shying away from any family dysfunction movies/books.
The most intense ones could be any of Jane Austen's 🫣 and any of my beloved K Dramas. For the time being.
That is so so so fair. And this film aside, I relate.
Exactly. Called survival instinct🤷🏼♀️