31 thoughts while watching 'The Family Stone' from an off-duty therapist

I didn't think it was possible from a movie I've seen this many times, but I came away with a whole new perspective.

This is a segment, dialoguing on dialogue, where I briskly explore a piece of media–TV, movies or music—with first thoughts. Inspired by Emma Specter’s column for Vogue where she narrates her thoughts as she watches a movie, movie trailer, or gets a first look of an upcoming movie. This is my take on that, weaving my personal reflections together with any therapeutic concepts I stumble upon along the way.

One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.

We love getting fired up about what is and is not a holiday film.

Die Hard?

While You Were Sleeping?

Bridget Jones Diary?

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang?

Little Women?

Sleepless in Seattle?

There is one I watch every year, come December, that some people would throw into this debate: The Family Stone.

Now, I wholeheartedly disagree because any movie with twinkly lights is a holiday film to me. I will, however, admit it’s not just a movie about the holidays. It’s about so much more than that.

This 2005 film starring, well…all the people, opens with us meeting a woman, while clearly formidable, also wound so tight she may spontaneously combust. She’s meeting her boyfriend’s family for the first time over Christmas at his parent’s house.¹ She quickly finds she doesn’t really fit, or maybe just not in the ways she thought she would and maybe fitting wasn’t the right objective in the first place.

It’s about the ways we pretend, the ways we miss one another, loss, the nuances of belonging, the tenderness of what it means to really love someone and I, for one, think it’s also about Christmas.

The Family Stone is warm and tense and chaotic and serene and familiar and awkward and joyful and heartbreaking. I mean, what is more Christmasy than that?

image credit: © 2005 Twentieth Century Fox

CAST

Sybil Stone played by Diane Keaton

Kelly Stone played be Craig T. Nelson

Everett Stone played by Dermot Mulroney

Meredith Morton played by Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP, respectfully)

Ben Stone played by Luke Wilson

Thad Stone played by Tyrone Giordano

Patrick Thomas played by Brian White

Susannah Stone Trousdale played by Elizabeth Reaser

Amy Stone played by Rachel McAdams

Julie Morton played by Claire Danes

Brad Stevenson played by Paul Schneider

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The first time I saw The Family Stone, it was in theaters with some friends. I believe it was the first evening of Christmas break. I was a Senior in high school. I remember trying to stifle my sobs so the guy I had a crush on wouldn’t hear or see me feeling deeply while he messed around with his buddies, not paying attention to the masterpiece in front of him.

So tragic. Him, not me.

While I always watch it at least once a season, it has become a tradition to also have a viewing with some of my girlfriends. Even as life has brought us to different places, we watch it together over Zoom on the years where our schedules allow. Needless to say, I know this film very well. I can quote most scenes top to bottom. That being said, watching it with my therapist hat on brought to light some things I’ve missed before.²

Let’s dive in. If you want to watch and read along, it’s currently streaming on Hulu and Prime. Here are some rapid fire thoughts as I watched The Family Stone for the millionth time:³

1. Cool, cool, cool—Already arguing with my husband about the easiest way to find it on Hulu.

2. SJP’s tiny ass flip phone lets us know it’s early aughts AF.

3. DREAMY DERMOT. Any MBFW fans understand the lust I feel for this man. Although this particular character’s initial quietness and niceties irk me.

4. My husband utters, “Wow, there are so many people in this.” Which means there are actors he’s actually heard of.

5. This house is devastatingly beautiful and warm. It fills me with a sort of rage, also known as envy.

6. I have to name something. Maybe lots of people feel this way but, Diane Keaton reminds me A LOT of my own mother. The sighs. The laugh that builds into something else entirely. The ability to say things so entirely true that it’s both funny and hurtful—effectively taking your breath away.

7. Enter Kelly. My main fucking man in this movie. The warmth of his character feels like the biggest hug.

8. It’s occurring to me how much I’d be unsure of how to interact with Meredith—which maybe is parallel to how she’s feeling inside. I’ve learned through being a therapist that sometimes the way you feel with a person can be reflective not only of something happening in you, but also of what the person across from you is feeling inside. So the first gazillion times I watched this, all I could feel was how uncomfortable Meredith made me, particularly in the first half of the film, (I know, what a selfish little twat I am). This time I could see how maybe that unease is what she is feeling, too. She’s used to certain things helping her succeed and it’s not gaining traction with this group. This family has a way of doing things and they are very sure the way they do things is the right way. They don’t know how to engage and neither does she.

9. How is Diane Keaton so natural with literally everyone? Every time I watch this movie, I fully buy into that those are her children and that’s her husband. That’s one-hundo percent her house.

10. Meredith and Everett’s relationship feels like a painting…and not in a good way.

11. Luke Wilson’s Ben is pitch perfect—no notes. He’s the only one that can reach Meredith. The funny thing is that they—all the Stones, save Ben—are annoyed with her because she’s pretending, but so are they. They are acting, in some ways, just as much as she is. The only one who isn’t seems to be Ben. He’s noticing her discomfort and trying to meet her where she’s at rather than their family’s way of being with each other—a way they all understand but she doesn’t. I never noticed the way he looks at her while they are playing charades, as she flails: so much adoration, just as she is.⁴

12. “She may not know or trust herself very well.” I’ve always loved this exchange between Kelly and Sybil about how Everett and Meredith are in major denial about their relationship. It’s a touch condescending—only in the way true things can be. I would argue she does seem to know herself, but the difficulty trusting herself piece lands. “Can I trust that I’m worthy just as I am?” It’s so hard—and like the work of our lives type of hard—to have faith that who we are, underneath it all, is lovable. Deep down, most of us have a fear that we aren’t good enough or that we are bad in some way. So sometimes we try hard—too hard—to prove that isn’t true. We unconsciously find ways to be accepted by the external world, even if it means abandoning who we are and what we want. In doing so, we lose trust with ourselves.

13. When Amy says, to Meredith’s comment that she doesn’t care whether Amy likes her or not, “Oh, of course you do.” So brutal. Also, true. (This is where Amy and Sybil are so similar. They can get away with sharp comebacks because what they are saying is so on the nose.) Because Meredith does care—so much—and you know what? Good for her. It’s OK to give a damn.

14. My biggest aspiration as a parent is to get out my son’s way and let him become more of who he already is (e.g., he sports a self-selected mullet as we speak), butand I can understand the bind I’d feel if I were Everett’s parents here. This is a tough fucking sell. Where is the line between being supportive and enabling denial? I think this situation may actually be the line. That being said, what parenting and being a therapist has taught me over and over (and OVER) again is to ask questions rather than draw conclusions and assert my will. They could have lobbed a, “I can tell you want me to be on board. I’ll be honest, I’m having a hard time seeing it. I’d love to know more about what you’re feeling toward her and in this relationship?”⁵ Everett may have gotten there on his own and quicker if they had, but then the movie probably wouldn’t have been as compelling. Falling in love with Meredith’s sister was another way to go with this.

15. Susannah taking a nap with her mom always gets me weepy. Followed by the scene with Ben and Kelly at the football field, freezing their assess off, crying, and holding each other. Grab the tear bucket.

16. Enter Claire Danes’ Julie. Am I the only one who has to have a full five minutes with her before she’s not Carrie from Homeland? I’m just out here waiting for Mandy Patinkin to ring the doorbell.

17. This dinner scene is a master class—in acting, in family dynamics, in how our own biases can blind us (like Meredith, STOP TALKING and just listen to the people in front of you who can speak to the very thing you seem so sure of). As a therapist, this movie is SO rife with material. An entire semester could be taught on all the dynamics at play in this dinner scene alone.

18. Every time Kelly slams his hand down and yells, “ENOUGH!” I get chills and immediately tear up. A part of me thinks, “Thank God. Someone is putting an end to this.” and then another part of me feels Meredith’s shame and humiliation.

19. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but Julie and Everett bore me. Meanwhile Ben and Meredith have me in stitches.

20. Every time I watch this, I am increasingly blown away by SJP’s performance. It’s nothing short of spectacular. This character’s arc is far and wiiiiiide and she fully inhabits all of it. Not only that, but it reaches through the screen and grabs me. When she’s cold and contained, I feel chilly and anxious. When she’s trying to relax and can’t, I feel that torment inside. As she dances and gets up to mischief, I feel a smile reach its way across my face, full belly laughing at her antics. In a lot of ways, it’s the most expansive and human of the performances.

21. Sybil’s “Honey, look…” to Everett as he walks by her bedroom, sends a shiver down my spine. If you’re well-versed in shitty apologies, you know from a mile away this is but another version of, “I’m sorry, but...”

22. Everything you need to know about Meredith is in the hair evolution. From a face lift-tight ballerina bun to the blowout for the ages, it’s all right there.

23. Watching the five siblings interacting with their parents reminds me of a belief that is held by most therapists: No two people have the same parents (even when on paper, they do). This is a common exploration in my office, “How can I be so different from my siblings? We grew up in the same home.” Except you didn’t. Not really. We all get different parents—we bring out something different in them and they bring out something different in each of us (and so the cycle goes). This movie is a great depiction of that. It’s clear Kelly and Sybil love all of their kids so much AND they treat each of their kids very differently.

24. My two favorite blink-and-you’ll-miss-them comedic moments happen on Christmas morning: Kelly whispering over Everett’s shoulder, as he puts the ring on Julie’s finger, “Okay, Everett. What’s goin’ on?” & Brad’s delivery of “Mr. Stone” when he shakes Kelly’s hand.

25. For all her blunders, Meredith’s gift to everyone—a framed picture of Sybil pregnant—is genuinely quite moving. I cry at this scene every time. Also, she must be loaded. Do you know how expensive it is to get shit framed?

26. And then she quickly melts down in such a comically self-aware and biting way. It’s perfect. “…AND THEN SHE SLEEPS WITH HIS BROTHER.”

27. How and why is Luke Wilson so unassumingly hot in this?

28. Quick question: When Everett runs after Julie, why is he trudging through the snow when there is a perfectly plowed street right there? It’d be impossible to undo all the good faith Dermot Mulroney did for me in MBFW, but it certainly feels like he’s trying to here.

29. I’m quiet with thoughts at the end, because other than Everett running through snow when he could have not and then prancing away in slow motion giving Rocky vibes, the wrap up of this is quite well done.

30. When we meet them again a year later, they’re just now trying to put the house together for Christmas and they can’t find the decorations—a nod to all the invisible labor Sybil did for years. You can’t find the stockings? Really? Kelly nor any of these five kids ever helped her put up decorations? Y’all should be ashamed.

31. The final scene around the Christmas tree is quiet and so full of their longing and grief and also how much still exists, no matter how much is lost.

The reactions to this film are wide-ranging. Whether that is reviews, Reddit or even the Note I wrote over the weekend checking the temperature on if anyone would be interested in a segment on this movie. There is anything but a consensus.

My working theory on why people seem to either love or hate this movie is because it brings up so much in us. Each character represents an aspect of us— parts we don’t like and parts we do. We all have perfectionist, people-pleasers, like Everett. Angsty, spitfire ones, like Amy. I’d like to think we all have a wise Kelly somewhere in there. And I know for damn sure, we all have a part inside of us that is trying too hard sometimes, like Meredith. I desperately want to be more laid back like Ben, but I’m probably more often than not, overly sentimental and serious like Everett and Julie—that’s why they bore me; they’re me.

My girlfriends and I used to talk about who we thought each of us were in the story (and sometimes who we wished we were). But after this watch, I realized we had it all wrong. Whether we like it or not, we are some amalgamation of all of them.

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If you want more The Family Stone:

• A Long Talk With Sarah Jessica Parker About ‘The Family Stone" by (Substack legend)

  Hunter Harris
  for Vulture

• ‘The Family Stone’ Oral History by Samantha Highfill for Entertainment Weekly

• ‘The Family Stone’ Is The Most Jewish Christmas Movie by Anne Cohen for Refinery29

• EW debates 'The Family Stone': The best Christmas movie, or the worst? by Samantha Highfill and Darren Franich

Questions for you:

1. Firstly, have you even seen The Family Stone? If so, do you consider it a holiday film? Do we love it, hate it, lukewarm?

2. Be so real, what would you do as Everett’s parents if you saw this unfolding? What would you do if you were Meredith and feeling so unwelcome (even if you were partly to blame)?

3. How does this idea that no two people have the same parents strike you?

4. Even though I just said we are all the characters, who do you relate to the most?

• Coming up: A piece about how holiday “break” fills me with dread and what I’ve learned from having a meltdown every time.

• Disclaiming. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.

• Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!

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ICYMI:

• do you ever have a day so bad you wonder if you’ve done something to deserve it? (and other spiral-esque conclusions)

• What is Spiritual Bypassing—and—How It Can Cause Us to Miss Ourselves and Each Other

• I’m OK Being Known in Motherhood as a Lot of Things, but Don’t Call Me Selfless

• The Single Most Important Thing I Do for My Mental Health

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Previous dialouging on dialogue segments:

• 96 Thoughts This Therapist Had While Listening to THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT for the First Time

• Nobody Wants This (part one)

• Nobody Wants This (part two)

• Nobody Wants This (part three)

1. Any real The Family Stone stans may be shouting, “No, no. She’s met Amy before.” And you’d be right and I’d respect you for that.

2. This is further proof that therapists are not always on/analyzing/pathologizing.

3. It’s probably more like 100th, but still.

4. My Bridget Jones Diary people, I see you.

5. We certainly don’t need to explain our relationships to everyone and/or have everyone on board, however it’s clear that it’s important to Everett that they get it.