30 thoughts while watching 'The Four Seasons' from an off-duty therapist
Part One: Spring
This is a segment, dialoguing on dialogue, where I briskly explore a piece of media–TV, movies or music—with first thoughts. Inspired by Emma Specter’s column for Vogue where she narrates her thoughts as she watches a movie, movie trailer, or gets a first look of an upcoming movie. This is my take on that, weaving my personal reflections together with any therapeutic concepts I stumble upon along the way. I am not teasing out every single concept—I’m off the clock. This is a creative, not clinical, endeavor.
One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.
The Four Seasons follows a group of friends in their 50’s-ish, composed of three couples, as they take a trip together each season (wildly unrelatable and yet aspirational?). A seemingly long-standing tradition. But what will come of it and their group when one of the couples split up?
CAST
Kate played by Tina Fey
Jack played by Will Forte
Anne played by Kerri Kenney
Nick played by Steve Carell
Danny played by Colman Domingo
Claude played by Marco Calvani
Most of these types of columns I’ve done have been on media I’ve seen before. A re-watch of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or The Family Stone. However, I did it once with a show I hadn’t seen yet1 and it added some fun tension to write it along the way, not really knowing what happens. I thought I’d take a spin with this one. Taking it one season at a time.
It’s an interesting moment in time for a show like this to come out as there are many a divorce memoir to choose from–questioning the ritual of marriage many had grown to consider an inevitable choice on the conveyor belt of life–while simultaneously the U.S. government careens closer and closer to the most conservative of views of marriage imaginable.
My hope is this show can bring some fresh exploration / curiosity / criticism toward marriage and not a situation where the couple that splits up gets back together just because. That story may have worked for me a decade ago, but now I want more.
My hope is this show will be less “Why shouldn’t we get divorced?” and more, “Why would we stay married?”
Episode 1: Lake House
Will Forte’s Jack is right. Vacation does start with the treats. Do not catch me at a gas station before a road trip. We got Corn Nuts. We got Sour Patch Kids (watermelons only, TY). We got Ranch-flavored Bugles. We got Reese’s Pieces.2
Colman Domingo is a dream.
This interstitial music is really bothering me. It feels like it doesn’t fit quite right.
Speaking of things that bother me. Steve Carrell getting more handsome with each passing year really bothers me.
Anyone who insists on cooking when you arrive late on the first night at an AirBnb is both a masochist and a sadist.
This has me thinking of what age I’ll be when I’ll have been married for 25 years.
This hiking scene where Steve Carrel’s Nick is asking his buddies if they are happy and then says he hates his wife, Anne, feels, on the one hand, probably pretty accurate for how these things play out and on the other hand, so emotionally (literally Googles “What is the opposite of dense?”3) thin.
I truly don’t know what happens in this show, but my guess is not that he “hates” her but he stopped seeing her/being interested in her–not in what she does or doesn’t do, but in her spirit. Maybe I’ll be desperately wrong, but that’s my suspicion.
The tone is not 100% working for me, yet. First episodes are hard.
They are talking about how most couples go through a phase where they feel more like roommates than lovers. Nick starts saying he wishes they felt like roommates. Roommates can be fun, he says. Then adds, “We’re co-workers at a nuclear facility.”
This really made me laugh because my dad worked at a nuclear power plant for his entire career and as I just recently mentioned my mom worked in the hospital setting. The latter of which is famously known for workplace dalliances. To Nick’s point, my father never once mentioned people hooking up.
I find myself curious about the panic emanating from his friends around the marriage ending, particularly Jack. I wonder if they would still feel this way if they themselves were not married. Is it a fear of the group breaking up? Is it they feel there really still is something there between Nick and Anne to save? Is it societal messaging around divorce to be avoided at all costs? Is it their fear about their own marriages imploding? Is it concern for Anne being blindsided?
I’m really feeling connected with Anne’s character. While I wouldn’t pass up a trip on a boat, I related to her deeply when she was like, “Y’all go head. I’ll go grab a blanket and just hang here.” I love to grab a blanket and just hang here, wherever here may be.
Jack on the boat is wearing what’d we could call “my husband casual.” He has that sweater in every earth tone you can imagine.
I am a lake person through and through, but jumping into a lake with all your clothes on is where the sidewalk ends for me.
“Can’t they just fight it out?” Kate asks Jack before bed one night. Another moment that speaks to what I wonder about in #10.
This is poetic. Nick is one breath away from a divorce and Anne is planning a vow renewal.
Episode 2: Garden Party
Another reason I connect with Anne is because I’m days away from getting her exact haircut.
Is it just me or is there some resentment between Claude and Kate? I can’t quite place what it is, but I feel something there.
This interstitial music is really not working for me.
Holy shit. Anne’s vow renewal dress is so perfect. Her hair, the baby’s breath. A dream.
If it comes out some day that Will Forte is a total piece of shit, I think I may give up. (Just googled this, as one does, and got some really solid evidence to the contrary. I also realized the good guy/bad guy framing reflects black and white thinking and is super pedestrian, but I also don’t care. I’m tired of being disillusioned.)
The medical anxiety and fretting over Danny’s character will be interesting to watch play out because I find this situation to make emotional sense from all the angles–and a place almost all of us will find ourselves at some point in our lives. His loved ones–Claude and Kate, in particular–are worried about him and want him to do whatever he can to take care of himself. Danny, meanwhile, wants to feel his autonomy and dignity respected.
Everyone is on their phone4 waiting for the wedding to start. 😫 Meanwhile I’d stab my eyes out to be sitting on that porch looking out over a pottery studio and lake.
Alan Alda pop out! This show is a remake of the film of the same name from 1981 with Alda (not a fact I knew, but one I discovered).
Claude’s little one liners are piling up. “Why do you have to be so tactile all the time? I mean, it's sexy, but it's a little frustrating.” “Why don’t you just chew some gum and make a wish!” “
Undoubtedly this dynamic between Claude and Danny about lying will resurface. I do relate to what Danny says at the end of this conversation about how it’s not necessarily that he’s lying to be deceptive, but because he needs a minute–to himself, to process–and the labor of having to defend that need for space sometimes feels too hard.
Meeting Nick and Anne’s daughter. Now I’m wondering how old Archie will be when we’ve been married for 25 years…
Hmmm. Anne’s monologue here with Kate is feeling like she knows what is going on with Nick on some level.
OK. Kate confirms Anne knows enough to not be totally surprised if Nick decides to divorce rather than renews his vows.
Dang. Anne’s vows are pretty sweet…and we fade to black as the pottery studio explodes in the background and we don’t get to hear Nick’s response.
While this is technically a dramedy, it’s feeling more like the drama and comedy are lying next to one another rather than them being intertwined. I resonate most with shows that lean into the comedy that inherently comes from drama (e.g., recent shows like Dying for Sex). The comedy that comes from life life-ing. Not entirely surprising that the therapist seeks more depth. I want to know more about these characters’ interior. Perhaps that is what awaits me in the following seasons.
Next up, Summer.
Questions for you:
What do you think of the show (No spoilies please)?
What are your road trip snacks?
What do you make of the panic Nick’s friends are demonstrating around his marriage ending? Can you relate to how even if it isn’t your relationship, when something is amiss in one close to you it feels like it’s holding up a mirror to your own?
Coming up: Next week, just in time for the least complicated holiday of all Mother’s Day (lolzzz), a conversation with Eliza Butler of All Parts about our own parts in motherhood. The next one of these covering the summer episodes of The Four Seasons will come out soon. I’m guessing every few days as I work through them.
Disclaiming. Therapy can be great. This ain’t therapy. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
ICYMI:
Previous dialouging on dialogue segments:
34 thoughts while watching 'My Best Friend’s Wedding' from an off-duty therapist
29 thoughts while watching ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ from an off-duty therapist
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a monthly round-up series, say more, where I explore what I'm watching, reading, listening to, eating and moving to and what it made me feel. These newsletters are a labor of love and tend to be more personal in their own specific way—sometimes writing about things I’m grappling with in real time. They have been described as “epic.” One reader said she “devour[s] them like a giant dessert.
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To be clear, I don’t deny myself these things on the average day, however travel would be incomplete without the snacks.
it’s been a couple tough sleep nights with the kid…words are hard to come by RN.
I’m currently working on a piece about phone addiction. Really been exploring my relationship to my phone and have found a few things that have really helped loosen the tether.
Road trip must haves: Chex mix, pringles, watermelon Mike & Ike’s (just discovered these and now my life is complete), tootsie rolls, and Sprees. I enjoyed the realism of so much of Four Seasons, though it’s not light-hearted. Having been through a divorce that none of our friends or acquaintances felt like they saw coming (married 16 years, 2 kids) - I feel certain that someone else’s divorce can be perceived as a serious threat to others. Very much like holding up a mirror. It was easier to ostracize me as a friend, than to think about the fact that it can happen to anyone. And it definitely upset the “balance” of life together as couples and family social events. People had no idea how to handle those changes. It became evident to me that those who were most upset about my divorce were likely those whose relationships also felt a little precarious. My friends with super solid marriages had no trouble stepping forward to support both parties in the divorce.
I just binge watched this recently! It was charming though wildly aspirational. Considering corporate America, who has enough vacation days to take four trips together in a year?! C'mon. Claude, though, OMG Claude. That style! So fabulous. I loved the dialogue in the hiking scene and the line about being co-workers in a nuclear facility. The writer in me was like, do I need to pause it to take notes? This is good stuff! Clearly you thought so, too!