I’ve heard Glennon talk about this on "the pod" and it has always struck me. Why is it that we’ve deemed "she’s so selfless" to be one of the highest compliments we give women (because who ever described a man as selfless??). We praise women for being "without a self" which seems the worst sort of erasure imaginable. Who wants to be without a self?? As someone who hasn’t fully decided whether or not to have kids yet it’s one of my bigger fears about motherhood. Will I lose my SELF in the process? Be forced to shrink it down in order to make space for this new little being? And where will I put all my big emotions then?? Your essay gives me hope. As always, thanks for writing and sharing Kaitlyn 🙏
Totally! The concept of self-less really covers all the bases--Less of everything, really--and in that way it's a genius way to keep people small and stuck...which I don't think we intend to be signing up for anytime soon. Thank you for reading and sharing your voice in how this landed for you.
"I sincerely hope he brings what infringed on his ability to be fully himself to my doorstep so I can hear it and he can pass back to me what was never his." This!!! Ugh, so good Kaitlyn. I think my biggest fear of having children is that I know I'm too selfish to be "the selfless mother" society seems to cherish. Your writing is so validating and informative, always grateful for what you share with us. 🙏🏼
Well I'll be sitting with this one for awhile! As a adult daughter, I feel an expectation of selflessness towards caring for my mother that I imagine mirrors the expectation of a mother to be selfless towards her child. As I sat in my therapy session last week, I was asked what do I get out of the relationship. I was flabbergasted and couldn't answer. Like, I'm a daughter, it's my duty to be there for my mom so I've never really considered that I should be getting something out of the relationship too.
I wonder to what extent do you think it's the societal expectation of mothers to be selfless or just an expectation of women in general to be selfless caregivers? Do you think dads feel that same pressure?
This is such an important vantage point. I'm so glad you brought this up about daughters toward mothers. I do wonder how much of that is passed down expectations. I feel like you're on to something about it being a more general expectation for women and then any setting where care is involved more deliberately (e.g., parenting, caring in your profession or caring for a family member) it just gets sent too the moon in intensity and rigidity.
This line had me at the knees: “What if acknowledging your parent wasn’t absolutely perfect or you’ve been hurt by them didn’t have to be threatening to the relationship?”
It’s something I’ve been slowly coming to terms with over the past 5 years myself, and something I hope to delicately nudge my partner into exploring as well.
I love that you mention your partner because I find this dynamic--that we can acknowledged when we feel hurt without threatening the relationship--shows up and cuts across all types of relationships.
I love this piece, I have grappled with so many of the same things you mentioned here, and I love the idea of being so full of SELF even though my inner teenager winces at the prospect of being called ‘full of herself’ because back then that was one of the most awful things you can be!!! I did the same with my first baby and thought I needed to give up ‘ME’ in order to be the best Mum… and in fact that took be down the path of PPD and Anxiety and made me even less able to be there for her. Second time round I learned (a little) from that but still I feel like I’m unpicking and when I see Mothers being what I would describe as selfless I often ask myself… ‘why can’t I be more like that?’ Because to me they are the devoted Mother that every child wishes for. I know it’s not true and that Jung quote always brings me back to my SELF…
So much that I could talk about with this piece, but mostly I’m just grateful for you sharing it. Xx
I so hear you on the “full of self” bit. That was the ultimate insult for a girl. I wish I could whisper to our teenage selves, “fill up spaces with self. it’s the only way.”
The “why can’t I be more like…” is so real. I hear it quite often in my practice and in my own mind. Which tells me this is our life’s work to dance with that voice. What is it afraid of? Where did it learn to be afraid? What does it need from us?
Sending you grace, warmth and solidarity in this emotional adventure of motherhood.
As a fellow mom and therapist, I relate to the wanting to be known and wanting to know others, even if it means we’re not viewed as selfless and perfect… none of us are… it’s an interesting perspective and thanks for sharing it:).
I recently saw a post by a coach unpicking the phrase 'She's so full of herself', and she asked, 'Who else are we supposed to be full of?!'
I'm thankful to have been brought up by a (single) mother who was indeed good enough, and no better - she did (and still does) what she can, and didn't bother with the rest as she was actually very busy figuring out who she was, and being that.
I can tell how cathartic this piece must have been to write. Very moving. My version of this, this week was, "I can no longer live in Ohio". It was so scary and hard to say out loud but so freeing. May we all be moving closer to self. Amen.
Becoming a mother myself opened up a lot of room for grace and understanding when it came to some aspects of my mother's parenting. She had all four of her children before 24, the youngest being a set of twins. I can only imagine the internal battles she engaged in while trying to parent and I can offer more grace in hindsight and from experience. I absolutely love this post, Kaitlyn, I need more mothers to read it.
Oh wow. This one really got me. I hadn’t thought of selfless meaning self less…two words. I’ve always prided myself on being selfless but have come to realize I’m actually just out here people pleasing. I loved this one and need to go back read again and sit with it. Thanks for always always sharing your beautiful words and heart and vulnerability.
To be fair, that’s not its exact definition—I’ve seen things like “has no care for oneself” or “puts others before themselves.” But it’s not far off. I always appreciate you reading and hearing what you think ❤️❤️
WOW - this piece is incredible. (Btw, I ALSO get overwhelmed by small things and have used the EXACT words 'eerily calm in a crisis' to describe myself!) I'm not a mother, but agree that society places this expectation on mothers to be selfless, and there's no way anyone can live up to that! I think it's really cool you're saying you want your son to know the OTHER parts of you, not just the mom part. And I also think it's cool that you're looking back on things YOUR OWN mom did and giving her that courtesy as well! Reading the breakdown of your thoughts here was just beautiful!
Isn’t that conundrum of being calm in crisis but a puddle in simpler times so interesting?
I appreciate your kind words very much—like I’m letting them really sink in. It’s been a process, and will continue to be, to feel more peace about all this. Thank you for reading, Amy 🖤🖤
I’ve heard Glennon talk about this on "the pod" and it has always struck me. Why is it that we’ve deemed "she’s so selfless" to be one of the highest compliments we give women (because who ever described a man as selfless??). We praise women for being "without a self" which seems the worst sort of erasure imaginable. Who wants to be without a self?? As someone who hasn’t fully decided whether or not to have kids yet it’s one of my bigger fears about motherhood. Will I lose my SELF in the process? Be forced to shrink it down in order to make space for this new little being? And where will I put all my big emotions then?? Your essay gives me hope. As always, thanks for writing and sharing Kaitlyn 🙏
Totally! The concept of self-less really covers all the bases--Less of everything, really--and in that way it's a genius way to keep people small and stuck...which I don't think we intend to be signing up for anytime soon. Thank you for reading and sharing your voice in how this landed for you.
"I sincerely hope he brings what infringed on his ability to be fully himself to my doorstep so I can hear it and he can pass back to me what was never his." This!!! Ugh, so good Kaitlyn. I think my biggest fear of having children is that I know I'm too selfish to be "the selfless mother" society seems to cherish. Your writing is so validating and informative, always grateful for what you share with us. 🙏🏼
I am so with you. I feel like I knew that about myself and I tried to do it anyway--whoops. I'm so glad to hear it felt validating in a way for you <3
Thank you for this, and for including me. Really moved ❤️
Thank you for stimulating it in the first place. You really struck on something I knew, but hadn't put those exact words to yet. Love what you do!
I feel like this deserves a mic drop and a “fuck yeah!” At the end. You’re just so great at this introspective writing thing, Kaitlyn.
Hahah. I’ll take that as a bookend for this one for sure. Thank you, Kelsey. 💕
"The cold hard truth is we don’t get to decide how our kids see us—" true and also sobbing...
same same sameeeee.
Well I'll be sitting with this one for awhile! As a adult daughter, I feel an expectation of selflessness towards caring for my mother that I imagine mirrors the expectation of a mother to be selfless towards her child. As I sat in my therapy session last week, I was asked what do I get out of the relationship. I was flabbergasted and couldn't answer. Like, I'm a daughter, it's my duty to be there for my mom so I've never really considered that I should be getting something out of the relationship too.
I wonder to what extent do you think it's the societal expectation of mothers to be selfless or just an expectation of women in general to be selfless caregivers? Do you think dads feel that same pressure?
This is such an important vantage point. I'm so glad you brought this up about daughters toward mothers. I do wonder how much of that is passed down expectations. I feel like you're on to something about it being a more general expectation for women and then any setting where care is involved more deliberately (e.g., parenting, caring in your profession or caring for a family member) it just gets sent too the moon in intensity and rigidity.
This line had me at the knees: “What if acknowledging your parent wasn’t absolutely perfect or you’ve been hurt by them didn’t have to be threatening to the relationship?”
It’s something I’ve been slowly coming to terms with over the past 5 years myself, and something I hope to delicately nudge my partner into exploring as well.
I love that you mention your partner because I find this dynamic--that we can acknowledged when we feel hurt without threatening the relationship--shows up and cuts across all types of relationships.
I love this piece, I have grappled with so many of the same things you mentioned here, and I love the idea of being so full of SELF even though my inner teenager winces at the prospect of being called ‘full of herself’ because back then that was one of the most awful things you can be!!! I did the same with my first baby and thought I needed to give up ‘ME’ in order to be the best Mum… and in fact that took be down the path of PPD and Anxiety and made me even less able to be there for her. Second time round I learned (a little) from that but still I feel like I’m unpicking and when I see Mothers being what I would describe as selfless I often ask myself… ‘why can’t I be more like that?’ Because to me they are the devoted Mother that every child wishes for. I know it’s not true and that Jung quote always brings me back to my SELF…
So much that I could talk about with this piece, but mostly I’m just grateful for you sharing it. Xx
I so hear you on the “full of self” bit. That was the ultimate insult for a girl. I wish I could whisper to our teenage selves, “fill up spaces with self. it’s the only way.”
The “why can’t I be more like…” is so real. I hear it quite often in my practice and in my own mind. Which tells me this is our life’s work to dance with that voice. What is it afraid of? Where did it learn to be afraid? What does it need from us?
Sending you grace, warmth and solidarity in this emotional adventure of motherhood.
As a fellow mom and therapist, I relate to the wanting to be known and wanting to know others, even if it means we’re not viewed as selfless and perfect… none of us are… it’s an interesting perspective and thanks for sharing it:).
The way you put that is so exactly right for me. Thank you for reading 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️
I recently saw a post by a coach unpicking the phrase 'She's so full of herself', and she asked, 'Who else are we supposed to be full of?!'
I'm thankful to have been brought up by a (single) mother who was indeed good enough, and no better - she did (and still does) what she can, and didn't bother with the rest as she was actually very busy figuring out who she was, and being that.
Oh my gosh, yesssss. This is so good. Thank you for bringing this framing into my life.
Also the good enough & no better, no worse is beautiful. So touched to hear that was your experience 💕💕
Ohhhh I love this. So much resonates. Thank you for sharing.
🖤🖤Thank you!!
So insightful! The thought of having kids has scared me because of my imperfections. I love what you said in this essay 🧡 thank you!
Thank you, Kimber. It’s all very scary and imperfect in the end. ❤️
I can tell how cathartic this piece must have been to write. Very moving. My version of this, this week was, "I can no longer live in Ohio". It was so scary and hard to say out loud but so freeing. May we all be moving closer to self. Amen.
<3 <3 <3 The truth is always just right there, if we can just name it. Proud of you, brave girl.
Becoming a mother myself opened up a lot of room for grace and understanding when it came to some aspects of my mother's parenting. She had all four of her children before 24, the youngest being a set of twins. I can only imagine the internal battles she engaged in while trying to parent and I can offer more grace in hindsight and from experience. I absolutely love this post, Kaitlyn, I need more mothers to read it.
It means a lot that you feel that way about this one ❤️❤️ there is something releasing about that space opening up.
Oh wow. This one really got me. I hadn’t thought of selfless meaning self less…two words. I’ve always prided myself on being selfless but have come to realize I’m actually just out here people pleasing. I loved this one and need to go back read again and sit with it. Thanks for always always sharing your beautiful words and heart and vulnerability.
To be fair, that’s not its exact definition—I’ve seen things like “has no care for oneself” or “puts others before themselves.” But it’s not far off. I always appreciate you reading and hearing what you think ❤️❤️
WOW - this piece is incredible. (Btw, I ALSO get overwhelmed by small things and have used the EXACT words 'eerily calm in a crisis' to describe myself!) I'm not a mother, but agree that society places this expectation on mothers to be selfless, and there's no way anyone can live up to that! I think it's really cool you're saying you want your son to know the OTHER parts of you, not just the mom part. And I also think it's cool that you're looking back on things YOUR OWN mom did and giving her that courtesy as well! Reading the breakdown of your thoughts here was just beautiful!
Isn’t that conundrum of being calm in crisis but a puddle in simpler times so interesting?
I appreciate your kind words very much—like I’m letting them really sink in. It’s been a process, and will continue to be, to feel more peace about all this. Thank you for reading, Amy 🖤🖤