Such a thoughtful essay, Kaitlyn. Thank you for letting me look at your first draft. I always find the “gloss-over” effect so damaging to my self-trust after years of second-guessing my own feelings. When people want to “look at the bright side” or respond to my worries with platitudes and redirects, I deflate and retreat. Which is exactly the opposite of healing.
Thank YOU! You were instrumental in making this more coherent and giving me the confidence to even share it. "Deflate and retreat"--jeepers. I felt that in my body when I read that. I so relate. That is exactly what I do, too.
Reading this really helped me, Kaitlyn. You unpack it so well here.
This is timely for me because just the other day a friend of mine shared publicly about something super hard that she’s going through. As I was typing my go-to standard response of, “sending love, light and strength” I stopped myself. I read the other littered comments of “keep your head up, this will get better, you got this” and I felt myself thinking - if this were me, none of these words would actually make me feel better. Maybe my friend wants to sit in the heavy for a little bit before she rolls up her sleeves to deal with the hard hand she was dealt.
It reminds me of the go-to response many parents use when their young child falls down and gets hurt. “You’re fine. You’re fine”. I remember getting advice from an older woman whose kids were grown and she said, “oh don’t make eye contact with your kid if they fall down. Pretend it didn’t happen or you didn’t see it. They’ll make less a deal out of it.” Yeah, ok. That likely works but what are we teaching with that approach? Don’t look to others for compassion. You will always have to self-soothe so deal with it?
Clearly I have a lot to say about this 😅😅
Also, this makes me think of all the beautiful work Kate Bowler has brought forward around this sort of thing. Have you read her book Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved)? It’s soooooo good.
Thanks for going there with this one, Kaitlyn. I needed it! 💕
It's such a sticky one. I know I have leaned too heavily into the positivity when I'm struggling to sit with the hard--and as I hope I articulated in the piece, sometimes people need and want that--sometimes it's really ok--but other times it feels like we are missing each other.
That "you're fine" example is so resonant. My approach has been to let arch find my eyes, to connect, and then wait for him to decide how that all (whatever fall, bonk, scrape, etc) felt inside for him and what kind of soothing he needs. I'm often amazed at how quickly this kid rallies if we offer him that space and comfort. Sometimes I'm not over it by the time he's off playing with something else as if it never happened.
I really appreciate you sharing the ways this has come up for you. It's kind of everywhere once you name it.
I have not read that book and it sounds so perfectly up my alley. Adding that to my TBR. The title is so good.
Ah, yes. The missing each other is what I guess I’m always sensitive to - and focused on. I do like the nuance of being attuned to what feels most supportive. Sometimes the positive approach can uplift and help, totally.
I love your approach with Arch - coupling the space with comfort feels so right to me. Letting the child go in first before looking to us for cues as to how big a deal this “should” be. It’s feels like you’re gifting him autonomy wrapped in a hug.
Kaitlyn, you've peered right into my mind and soul all over again. Even as someone who doesn't live near family/won't be with family in person this festive season, I feel all the intense feelings of shared space. The gives me so much more to work with in terms of my own emotional and mental landscape in tandem with finding the love amidst anger, hurt, frustration, and past events. I also wanted to say that what Elizabeth Gilbert says in this interview about "cherished outcomes" has really been helping in this season and the wider journey of navigating relationships: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2KFn8GbQMr4zWzV0oRmMOO?si=bc9defbb697b453b
Aoife, I'm so warmed to hear you connected with this piece.
and !!! I listened to that one with Liz (I've never listened to any other Tim Ferris episode so this is a wild overlap) and when she said that I screamed in my office over my lunch hour. So so so so so good. It's not always accessible to me, but when I can allow for that, the space I feel in my chest is so huge.
When she said that I felt like my brain had a massive eclipse then expanded a galaxy 😅 -- in reality, my husband and I paused it, as we were listening to it over dinner, and just gazed at one another, frozen by its magnitude.
Thank you for your vulnerability in saying, "It's not always accessible to me". I see you ❤️.
Oh totally. I have young parts of me that have very cherished outcomes. They want, they hope, they dream to be so completely and utterly seen. I have to tend to them first before I open myself up to no cherished outcomes.
Such a thoughtful essay, Kaitlyn. Thank you for letting me look at your first draft. I always find the “gloss-over” effect so damaging to my self-trust after years of second-guessing my own feelings. When people want to “look at the bright side” or respond to my worries with platitudes and redirects, I deflate and retreat. Which is exactly the opposite of healing.
Thank YOU! You were instrumental in making this more coherent and giving me the confidence to even share it. "Deflate and retreat"--jeepers. I felt that in my body when I read that. I so relate. That is exactly what I do, too.
Reading this really helped me, Kaitlyn. You unpack it so well here.
This is timely for me because just the other day a friend of mine shared publicly about something super hard that she’s going through. As I was typing my go-to standard response of, “sending love, light and strength” I stopped myself. I read the other littered comments of “keep your head up, this will get better, you got this” and I felt myself thinking - if this were me, none of these words would actually make me feel better. Maybe my friend wants to sit in the heavy for a little bit before she rolls up her sleeves to deal with the hard hand she was dealt.
It reminds me of the go-to response many parents use when their young child falls down and gets hurt. “You’re fine. You’re fine”. I remember getting advice from an older woman whose kids were grown and she said, “oh don’t make eye contact with your kid if they fall down. Pretend it didn’t happen or you didn’t see it. They’ll make less a deal out of it.” Yeah, ok. That likely works but what are we teaching with that approach? Don’t look to others for compassion. You will always have to self-soothe so deal with it?
Clearly I have a lot to say about this 😅😅
Also, this makes me think of all the beautiful work Kate Bowler has brought forward around this sort of thing. Have you read her book Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved)? It’s soooooo good.
Thanks for going there with this one, Kaitlyn. I needed it! 💕
It's such a sticky one. I know I have leaned too heavily into the positivity when I'm struggling to sit with the hard--and as I hope I articulated in the piece, sometimes people need and want that--sometimes it's really ok--but other times it feels like we are missing each other.
That "you're fine" example is so resonant. My approach has been to let arch find my eyes, to connect, and then wait for him to decide how that all (whatever fall, bonk, scrape, etc) felt inside for him and what kind of soothing he needs. I'm often amazed at how quickly this kid rallies if we offer him that space and comfort. Sometimes I'm not over it by the time he's off playing with something else as if it never happened.
I really appreciate you sharing the ways this has come up for you. It's kind of everywhere once you name it.
I have not read that book and it sounds so perfectly up my alley. Adding that to my TBR. The title is so good.
Ah, yes. The missing each other is what I guess I’m always sensitive to - and focused on. I do like the nuance of being attuned to what feels most supportive. Sometimes the positive approach can uplift and help, totally.
I love your approach with Arch - coupling the space with comfort feels so right to me. Letting the child go in first before looking to us for cues as to how big a deal this “should” be. It’s feels like you’re gifting him autonomy wrapped in a hug.
Kaitlyn, you've peered right into my mind and soul all over again. Even as someone who doesn't live near family/won't be with family in person this festive season, I feel all the intense feelings of shared space. The gives me so much more to work with in terms of my own emotional and mental landscape in tandem with finding the love amidst anger, hurt, frustration, and past events. I also wanted to say that what Elizabeth Gilbert says in this interview about "cherished outcomes" has really been helping in this season and the wider journey of navigating relationships: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2KFn8GbQMr4zWzV0oRmMOO?si=bc9defbb697b453b
Aoife, I'm so warmed to hear you connected with this piece.
and !!! I listened to that one with Liz (I've never listened to any other Tim Ferris episode so this is a wild overlap) and when she said that I screamed in my office over my lunch hour. So so so so so good. It's not always accessible to me, but when I can allow for that, the space I feel in my chest is so huge.
When she said that I felt like my brain had a massive eclipse then expanded a galaxy 😅 -- in reality, my husband and I paused it, as we were listening to it over dinner, and just gazed at one another, frozen by its magnitude.
Thank you for your vulnerability in saying, "It's not always accessible to me". I see you ❤️.
preciselyyyy. I had the same experience.
Oh totally. I have young parts of me that have very cherished outcomes. They want, they hope, they dream to be so completely and utterly seen. I have to tend to them first before I open myself up to no cherished outcomes.