I felt the fatigue bit and, I’m also due for the dentist. I hate when I put something off and then it finds me in a Substack post.
Really appreciated this post. Our internal dialogues are really similar. Meeting people can be really hard. So grateful for your openness and vulnerability- anytime I get to read your work I’m reminded it’s okay to lean into the self.
I am truly sorry about the dentist bit. I send my condolences. I feel the same way when something finds me like that. Like, "Well shoot, I guess I have to do something about this now."
The meeting new people feels so tremendously hard. Harder after COVID maybe? I'm not sure. I feel out of practice. When I saw this comment, I thought, "I hope I get to meet Marc IRL someday."
So lovely to have a letter from you in my inbox again! You were missed, but rest is 1000% necessary! It makes everything better. I am still trying to accept the fact that rest is actually part of the process, and not some annoying thing external from the creative whole. It's hard. Sometimes I try to imagine a world where people think rest is productive... and then I remember it's called Italy. Hehe, happy September! 🩷
It is called Italy. You’re so right. We will fit right in, or the parts of us that believe rest is essential, when we begin our writers retreat there someday. 😜
Aw Kaitlyn I'm so happy you're back! I'm even happier that you took the time to make space for yourself. Congrats on your one year Substack milestone! I really enjoyed the wa(o)nderings structure of this post. Life is rarely so clean that it can be neatly summarized into a one topic essay, so this style resonated.
I have so much I want to comment on, but the hypocrite part stood out the most, I think! I've gotten freaked out about having my blood drawn after a bad experience several years ago. I definitely have a few lab orders that I've accidentally on purpose thrown away. Just over here nodding to the doctor like "Oh yes, obviously, as soon as I leave I'm walking downstairs to LabCorp!" but knowing I'm getting right back in my car. So long, suckers! If anyone I knew did this, I'd be like what is wrong with you?! It doesn't motivate me though, it just makes me a little proud for this tiny act of self sabotaging rebellion. I'm proud of you for channeling your feelings on that in a more productive manner haha!
Oh, and one more thought because I can't resist. I really appreciate you sharing the Urge story. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but ignoring those urges makes them so much worse. Telling myself "this is hard, this feelings sucks, but I'm going to let myself feel uncomfortable and do what I need to do anyway" has been the catalyst for changing my life.
A vote for more wa/ondering posts. So glad to see your name pop up in my inbox again <3
Hiiiii love. Thank you for your welcome back and validation to take space. I need that more than I'm willing to admit, which is what I always say to you, ha!
I love that you feel pride. I think there is some truth in that too, right? Not always going along with what you're supposed to do (bc sometimes you really don't have to).
I'm so happy to see you, Kaitlyn. Also, I sang the title of this one with my best (or worst?) Kelly Clarkson voice 🤣
There's no way I could function on that little amount of sleep, while I'm not a napper, I definitely get more sleep than the average person in the run of a night—I'll also attribute that to not having kids and having a dog who loves sleep just as much as I do.
I've felt some similar feeling as you around playing in the sandbox. I could feel myself in your words as you wandered around the meeting place, and even beforehand when your parts were pulling you in all different directions. This summer I've started dance classes, and I had similar thoughts before going for the first time. I almost talked myself out of it, but I was glad I went. Even for the second class I almost bailed because I was nervous all over again (even though there was a bit of comfort in knowing the location). But that goes to answer your question—I learned that I can do things that are uncomfortable. I knew it already, but sometimes I forget and need to re-learn it.. This was the opportunity to re-learn how unserious things like this are, and that I make them bigger than they need to be.
And lastly, I appreciate you speaking about your urges around alcohol. There are times where those feelings creep up for me, too. We're only human 🫶
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you getting the Kelly Clarkson bit. Sometimes I put this stuff in there thinking, "If it's just me who gets it, fine." Hah!
I think we all probably need way more sleep than we get. I'm so glad to hear you're getting your fill!
How exciting about this dance class! That is so badass. I've been experimenting with those types of exposures lately and it's really fulfilling for my more playful parts.
Ahhh I love this, Elizabeth! How cool that you got to see her live! This would've been around the time I was watching "From Justin to Kelly" on VHS on repeat 🤣
I just delight in your writing and loved Big Magic. Thanks for reminding me about it. Also, I'm sitting at my desk on this crisp Friday morning cackling at the thought of you leaving the dentist with no teeth. I'd love you still and maybe even more :)
Summers are so hard on parents of young children, the looser schedules plus the pressure to make memories and magic is just so exhausting. Or, maybe that's just me?! 😂😂😂
Feel the same about the dentist but then I remember that the worse I am about my teeth, the happier they are because I give them more money. So, really, I am doing them a favor by not going as regularly as I should. See. It's math.
Ahh I've missed your voice. So nice to have you back, disjointed and all! (I happen to rather like the disjointedness, like a little trip inside your brain). So many good things to say about this post.
- "And zero ‘corns." - this made me laugh out loud
- I FEEL you on rest and this is coming from a girl who gets 9 hours of sleep a night. One of the biggest things I've learned in the past year is to just really lean into rest. Sleep when you're dead? Why put it off? I'd like to sleep while alive too, thanks.
- I had a similarly traumatic dentist visit recently. Apparently my gums are receding? (this is 35/36) I now live in somewhat fear of the dentist but have a new fluoride past that is working (exciting stuff!). I also went to the doctor to get bloodwork on my birthday last year.... we're masochists.
- I get a little flutter in my belly anytime I see someone share something really vulnerable like you did with "urges." It's so powerful. Please, don't ever stop sharing.
"Honor the transition". I love that. I wrote something akin to that sentiment today too. I'll hold on to that affirmation.
I also really appreciated your mini essay on the urge — and the accompanying shame. I felt something similar when I traveled to New York recently. It'd been awhile since I'd wrestled with the part of me that used to drink, and I recognize that same shame part come up when I don't even want to tell people that I don't drink in case one day I don't want them to hold me to it.
So much resonance with your shares, as always. Very happy to have you back 💛
Hi, welcome back! Hoping someday I'll join you, writing here again... 🙃 In the meantime, I am still so bummed that I couldn't make it to the meetup (it's a very stupid story, involving squirrels chewing through our Wi-Fi cables and me being the only one who could stay home for the technician who then DIDN'T EVEN SHOW grrrr) and also, I had the same dentist avoidance for years (for the same reason) until I finally booked an appointment and realized no one else cared if I was taking care of my teeth lol. Loved this post!
Hiiiii!! You’re out there getting that book where you want it. So badass. I can’t wait to hear more about it. That story about the squirrel and the WiFi of it all is too Colorado, I just can’t. 🫠 “realized no one else cared if I was taking care of my teeth” made me 😂😂 it’s like, oh yes, that’s right. 🫣
It’s very relieving when someone else puts into words my inner thoughts than me having to come up with them myself. The like year of constant appts with rollercoaster emotions does make one jaded. Parents and medical professionals are critical so I think it’s fair for us to be apprehensive in subjecting ourselves to those voices. I smiled at “you have teeth now too”. I love when kids are sweet and silly like that. Thank you for being sweet and silly like that too.
Kaitlyn, your honesty about the struggle with rest is so relatable. As someone who also battles the "I'm not productive enough" demons, your journey to embracing sleep resonated deeply. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle, especially as parents, but your reminder that rest isn't a luxury but a necessity is crucial. I love how you framed it – we need to be well-rested to be our best selves, not just for ourselves but for those we care about. Thank you for this gentle nudge to prioritize self-care and honor our bodies' need for rest.
I missed you! I resonated with so many parts about this, I am still in the stage of identifying I am tired all the time. It’s get better as the kid gets older right? Thank you for sharing about the thought to have drink, I find a similar voice whispering to me in the summertime.
1. This summer I learned I have a hard time with accepting my own need to rest and I had a LOT of guilt with not accomplishing “more” when my kids were at childcare/summer camp. I was reflecting a lot on the culture of productivity especially as a self employed attorney- my dad and I have been trying to build our own business for 4 years and sometimes it feels like we have a lot of hustle without lesser results. But the comparison isn’t benefitting me and as I talk about in my own therapy sessions, I don’t know who I’m even comparing us to- it’s more of a general them.
2. I have a lot of health anxiety with doctors and dentists too. As a small fat person with a history of disordered eating, I can find dr visits incredibly triggering so I put off appointments with the fear of hearing comments about my weight and health behaviors. I also have the fear of something being wrong but tried to overcome that to make my first dermatologist appt last year. The dentist hypocrite thing works for me when I’m going to all my kids’ appointments. I have been better about the dentist since 2021 but I definitely went about 18 months and was so nervous they were going to yell at me about the work I needed on my tooth that I hadn’t attended to until it was painful.
3. As I transition into fall, I have been more reflective about my family and my relationship with my husband. My kids are in a major transitional time as my 5 yo has started kindergarten and 7 yo is starting to grapple with more of the social issues of second grade. We are thrilled to have them back at the same school, but my 5 yo is definitely still adjusting and there have been more explosive meltdowns this last month than I have seen the rest of the summer. I wanted his teacher to reassure me he was ok. because she taught my oldest she knows our family well and assured me he was remaining regulated at school and said he is doing great with the structure and routine of the day. My husband and I are planning our long awaited 10 year anniversary trip to Hawaii and I’m thrilled we are down to a single digit amount of weeks away on my countdown. We have been putting in more effort to find moments of intentional connection. My kids have said they are “grossed out” by us kissing now, but we have been specifically focusing on finding more small moments throughout the day.
Clearly you spoke to a lot of my parts! Thank you for sharing about the urge to drink- I haven’t dealt with that particular urge but I have been dealing with urges to restrict my eating again as my life has felt chaotic and many of the urges feel very similar.
1. I feel you. The general them. Who are they, really? I find myself doing that too.
2. Yes, yes, yes. Doctor's appointments and the weighing. That is something I could go on and on and on about. Thank you for naming that here. I think a lot of people can hear themselves in that.
3. Those are big transitions. I don't know if this helps at all but I'm always reassured when I remember that my kiddo has bigger feelings (and meltdowns) around me because he feels safe enough to do so. Doesn't mean I always thrive in responding or experiencing them, but it helps me reframe, I'm not doing anything wrong, he's just feeling it all-and as you said, big transitions. I'm so excited for you and this big trip!! Setting aside time intentionally--big and small; hawaii and stolen kisses--is where it's at <3
It does help to know I am a safe space for both my kids. It doesn’t make the moment any easier but after coming back from our SC beach trip yesterday, I was thinking about riding the wave out and gaining perspective on how the emotions are temporary and are not indicative of any parenting failure. This weekend my husband and I got to see my twin sister handle my 7 yo’s meltdown at mini golf and it was really helpful to reframe- I had just hit my ball on the next hole and my kid didn’t get the ball in within the stroke limit so my husband told him to move on. she tells me she stepped in when she could see my husband stuck in explaining why we needed to move on and feeling helpless and seeing him feel safe with her too was very moving. I was further away but could see her hold him and get his breathing back in rhythm. Her daughter is nearly the same age as my 5 yo but before the two of them were born my sister had so many wonderful moments with my nephew and I got to see some of that come back on our trip.
My SIL’s sister and I clash a lot but I will never forget the Christmas cookie exchange party December 2018 where she fastened my kid in his car seat mid meltdown, kissed the top of his head and told him he was a sweet boy and we all loved him- it endeared her to me! It’s also good to get perspective on how many people are in my kids’ village and willing to step up for us when we feel like we are in the trenches.
I felt the fatigue bit and, I’m also due for the dentist. I hate when I put something off and then it finds me in a Substack post.
Really appreciated this post. Our internal dialogues are really similar. Meeting people can be really hard. So grateful for your openness and vulnerability- anytime I get to read your work I’m reminded it’s okay to lean into the self.
I am truly sorry about the dentist bit. I send my condolences. I feel the same way when something finds me like that. Like, "Well shoot, I guess I have to do something about this now."
The meeting new people feels so tremendously hard. Harder after COVID maybe? I'm not sure. I feel out of practice. When I saw this comment, I thought, "I hope I get to meet Marc IRL someday."
That would be great! Let’s put it out there in the world that one day Archie and Myles will have a play date ❤️
🥹🥹🥹 That would be the dream of dreams.
I’ve screenshotted this for proof of the power of our collective hope.
Welcome back sleepy head!
What a gift. ❤️❤️
So lovely to have a letter from you in my inbox again! You were missed, but rest is 1000% necessary! It makes everything better. I am still trying to accept the fact that rest is actually part of the process, and not some annoying thing external from the creative whole. It's hard. Sometimes I try to imagine a world where people think rest is productive... and then I remember it's called Italy. Hehe, happy September! 🩷
It is called Italy. You’re so right. We will fit right in, or the parts of us that believe rest is essential, when we begin our writers retreat there someday. 😜
Aw Kaitlyn I'm so happy you're back! I'm even happier that you took the time to make space for yourself. Congrats on your one year Substack milestone! I really enjoyed the wa(o)nderings structure of this post. Life is rarely so clean that it can be neatly summarized into a one topic essay, so this style resonated.
I have so much I want to comment on, but the hypocrite part stood out the most, I think! I've gotten freaked out about having my blood drawn after a bad experience several years ago. I definitely have a few lab orders that I've accidentally on purpose thrown away. Just over here nodding to the doctor like "Oh yes, obviously, as soon as I leave I'm walking downstairs to LabCorp!" but knowing I'm getting right back in my car. So long, suckers! If anyone I knew did this, I'd be like what is wrong with you?! It doesn't motivate me though, it just makes me a little proud for this tiny act of self sabotaging rebellion. I'm proud of you for channeling your feelings on that in a more productive manner haha!
Oh, and one more thought because I can't resist. I really appreciate you sharing the Urge story. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, but ignoring those urges makes them so much worse. Telling myself "this is hard, this feelings sucks, but I'm going to let myself feel uncomfortable and do what I need to do anyway" has been the catalyst for changing my life.
A vote for more wa/ondering posts. So glad to see your name pop up in my inbox again <3
Hiiiii love. Thank you for your welcome back and validation to take space. I need that more than I'm willing to admit, which is what I always say to you, ha!
I love that you feel pride. I think there is some truth in that too, right? Not always going along with what you're supposed to do (bc sometimes you really don't have to).
I'm so happy to see you, Kaitlyn. Also, I sang the title of this one with my best (or worst?) Kelly Clarkson voice 🤣
There's no way I could function on that little amount of sleep, while I'm not a napper, I definitely get more sleep than the average person in the run of a night—I'll also attribute that to not having kids and having a dog who loves sleep just as much as I do.
I've felt some similar feeling as you around playing in the sandbox. I could feel myself in your words as you wandered around the meeting place, and even beforehand when your parts were pulling you in all different directions. This summer I've started dance classes, and I had similar thoughts before going for the first time. I almost talked myself out of it, but I was glad I went. Even for the second class I almost bailed because I was nervous all over again (even though there was a bit of comfort in knowing the location). But that goes to answer your question—I learned that I can do things that are uncomfortable. I knew it already, but sometimes I forget and need to re-learn it.. This was the opportunity to re-learn how unserious things like this are, and that I make them bigger than they need to be.
And lastly, I appreciate you speaking about your urges around alcohol. There are times where those feelings creep up for me, too. We're only human 🫶
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you getting the Kelly Clarkson bit. Sometimes I put this stuff in there thinking, "If it's just me who gets it, fine." Hah!
I think we all probably need way more sleep than we get. I'm so glad to hear you're getting your fill!
How exciting about this dance class! That is so badass. I've been experimenting with those types of exposures lately and it's really fulfilling for my more playful parts.
I also sang the title- Kelly Clarkson was my first concert in a bigger venue, Rooney opened for her- circa 2006!
Ahhh I love this, Elizabeth! How cool that you got to see her live! This would've been around the time I was watching "From Justin to Kelly" on VHS on repeat 🤣
Thank you!!!!!
I just delight in your writing and loved Big Magic. Thanks for reminding me about it. Also, I'm sitting at my desk on this crisp Friday morning cackling at the thought of you leaving the dentist with no teeth. I'd love you still and maybe even more :)
You’re so sweet. I strangely needed to hear that. Next time I’ll have doc just take ‘em out 🤓
Summers are so hard on parents of young children, the looser schedules plus the pressure to make memories and magic is just so exhausting. Or, maybe that's just me?! 😂😂😂
Feel the same about the dentist but then I remember that the worse I am about my teeth, the happier they are because I give them more money. So, really, I am doing them a favor by not going as regularly as I should. See. It's math.
P.S. Welcome back!!! I miss you, too. 🥰🥰🥰
Totally. I worry this will only get harder once our childcare in the summer ends which we only have one more of. 🫠
Omg. Dentist girl math at its finest. 🧮
Ahh I've missed your voice. So nice to have you back, disjointed and all! (I happen to rather like the disjointedness, like a little trip inside your brain). So many good things to say about this post.
- "And zero ‘corns." - this made me laugh out loud
- I FEEL you on rest and this is coming from a girl who gets 9 hours of sleep a night. One of the biggest things I've learned in the past year is to just really lean into rest. Sleep when you're dead? Why put it off? I'd like to sleep while alive too, thanks.
- I had a similarly traumatic dentist visit recently. Apparently my gums are receding? (this is 35/36) I now live in somewhat fear of the dentist but have a new fluoride past that is working (exciting stuff!). I also went to the doctor to get bloodwork on my birthday last year.... we're masochists.
- I get a little flutter in my belly anytime I see someone share something really vulnerable like you did with "urges." It's so powerful. Please, don't ever stop sharing.
“Sleep when you're dead? Why put it off? I'd like to sleep while alive too, thanks.” This just made me choke laughing. Haha.
I will keep the disjointed trips through my brain coming—and I know what you mean about that flutter. 🦋
"Honor the transition". I love that. I wrote something akin to that sentiment today too. I'll hold on to that affirmation.
I also really appreciated your mini essay on the urge — and the accompanying shame. I felt something similar when I traveled to New York recently. It'd been awhile since I'd wrestled with the part of me that used to drink, and I recognize that same shame part come up when I don't even want to tell people that I don't drink in case one day I don't want them to hold me to it.
So much resonance with your shares, as always. Very happy to have you back 💛
I feel like this need for honoring transitions is all over right now. Im looking forward to reading your experience with it too.
Thank you for saying that about the essay on my urge. It so helps to say it out loud and feel how many of us have our version of this. ❤️
Hi, welcome back! Hoping someday I'll join you, writing here again... 🙃 In the meantime, I am still so bummed that I couldn't make it to the meetup (it's a very stupid story, involving squirrels chewing through our Wi-Fi cables and me being the only one who could stay home for the technician who then DIDN'T EVEN SHOW grrrr) and also, I had the same dentist avoidance for years (for the same reason) until I finally booked an appointment and realized no one else cared if I was taking care of my teeth lol. Loved this post!
Hiiiii!! You’re out there getting that book where you want it. So badass. I can’t wait to hear more about it. That story about the squirrel and the WiFi of it all is too Colorado, I just can’t. 🫠 “realized no one else cared if I was taking care of my teeth” made me 😂😂 it’s like, oh yes, that’s right. 🫣
It’s very relieving when someone else puts into words my inner thoughts than me having to come up with them myself. The like year of constant appts with rollercoaster emotions does make one jaded. Parents and medical professionals are critical so I think it’s fair for us to be apprehensive in subjecting ourselves to those voices. I smiled at “you have teeth now too”. I love when kids are sweet and silly like that. Thank you for being sweet and silly like that too.
Hello, love. Your comment got right to me at my heart. Sweet and silly. I believe we have that in common, too. ❤️
Kaitlyn, your honesty about the struggle with rest is so relatable. As someone who also battles the "I'm not productive enough" demons, your journey to embracing sleep resonated deeply. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle, especially as parents, but your reminder that rest isn't a luxury but a necessity is crucial. I love how you framed it – we need to be well-rested to be our best selves, not just for ourselves but for those we care about. Thank you for this gentle nudge to prioritize self-care and honor our bodies' need for rest.
This feels like the internal chorus so many of us are hearing right now. Rest as a radical act. Thank you for reading and sharing!!
I missed you! I resonated with so many parts about this, I am still in the stage of identifying I am tired all the time. It’s get better as the kid gets older right? Thank you for sharing about the thought to have drink, I find a similar voice whispering to me in the summertime.
Hi Emma!!
It definitely gets better and/or different. Nothing can compare (in my experience) to those first few years.
So glad you’re honoring the transition. Welcome back!
Me too, too! Thank you, Eliza <3
We’ve missed you!! But glad I’m not the only person that has felt like walking up to someone and saying “Hi, I’m tired.”
hahaha. literally. First name: Very; Middle Name: Deeply; Last Name: Tired.
1. This summer I learned I have a hard time with accepting my own need to rest and I had a LOT of guilt with not accomplishing “more” when my kids were at childcare/summer camp. I was reflecting a lot on the culture of productivity especially as a self employed attorney- my dad and I have been trying to build our own business for 4 years and sometimes it feels like we have a lot of hustle without lesser results. But the comparison isn’t benefitting me and as I talk about in my own therapy sessions, I don’t know who I’m even comparing us to- it’s more of a general them.
2. I have a lot of health anxiety with doctors and dentists too. As a small fat person with a history of disordered eating, I can find dr visits incredibly triggering so I put off appointments with the fear of hearing comments about my weight and health behaviors. I also have the fear of something being wrong but tried to overcome that to make my first dermatologist appt last year. The dentist hypocrite thing works for me when I’m going to all my kids’ appointments. I have been better about the dentist since 2021 but I definitely went about 18 months and was so nervous they were going to yell at me about the work I needed on my tooth that I hadn’t attended to until it was painful.
3. As I transition into fall, I have been more reflective about my family and my relationship with my husband. My kids are in a major transitional time as my 5 yo has started kindergarten and 7 yo is starting to grapple with more of the social issues of second grade. We are thrilled to have them back at the same school, but my 5 yo is definitely still adjusting and there have been more explosive meltdowns this last month than I have seen the rest of the summer. I wanted his teacher to reassure me he was ok. because she taught my oldest she knows our family well and assured me he was remaining regulated at school and said he is doing great with the structure and routine of the day. My husband and I are planning our long awaited 10 year anniversary trip to Hawaii and I’m thrilled we are down to a single digit amount of weeks away on my countdown. We have been putting in more effort to find moments of intentional connection. My kids have said they are “grossed out” by us kissing now, but we have been specifically focusing on finding more small moments throughout the day.
Clearly you spoke to a lot of my parts! Thank you for sharing about the urge to drink- I haven’t dealt with that particular urge but I have been dealing with urges to restrict my eating again as my life has felt chaotic and many of the urges feel very similar.
1. I feel you. The general them. Who are they, really? I find myself doing that too.
2. Yes, yes, yes. Doctor's appointments and the weighing. That is something I could go on and on and on about. Thank you for naming that here. I think a lot of people can hear themselves in that.
3. Those are big transitions. I don't know if this helps at all but I'm always reassured when I remember that my kiddo has bigger feelings (and meltdowns) around me because he feels safe enough to do so. Doesn't mean I always thrive in responding or experiencing them, but it helps me reframe, I'm not doing anything wrong, he's just feeling it all-and as you said, big transitions. I'm so excited for you and this big trip!! Setting aside time intentionally--big and small; hawaii and stolen kisses--is where it's at <3
It does help to know I am a safe space for both my kids. It doesn’t make the moment any easier but after coming back from our SC beach trip yesterday, I was thinking about riding the wave out and gaining perspective on how the emotions are temporary and are not indicative of any parenting failure. This weekend my husband and I got to see my twin sister handle my 7 yo’s meltdown at mini golf and it was really helpful to reframe- I had just hit my ball on the next hole and my kid didn’t get the ball in within the stroke limit so my husband told him to move on. she tells me she stepped in when she could see my husband stuck in explaining why we needed to move on and feeling helpless and seeing him feel safe with her too was very moving. I was further away but could see her hold him and get his breathing back in rhythm. Her daughter is nearly the same age as my 5 yo but before the two of them were born my sister had so many wonderful moments with my nephew and I got to see some of that come back on our trip.
That is so moving. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes watching other people attune to my kid is even more affecting than anything else.
My SIL’s sister and I clash a lot but I will never forget the Christmas cookie exchange party December 2018 where she fastened my kid in his car seat mid meltdown, kissed the top of his head and told him he was a sweet boy and we all loved him- it endeared her to me! It’s also good to get perspective on how many people are in my kids’ village and willing to step up for us when we feel like we are in the trenches.
🥹🥹🥹 the fact that you clash AND can see that in and from her, wow.