saying it all (🍁a fall roundup🍁)
Lots of watching, my hacks for calm in the kitchen even though I hate to cook and ways I'm up leveling my at-home yoga practice this winter.
In therapy, clients will often recount something to me and then wait. Waiting for me to have a set reaction. But often, they haven’t said what this something meant to them, how they experienced it, what they felt. Which leaves me responding, “Say more…”
This is the fifth edition of say more. A series where I explore what I consumed—TV, books, movies, food, movement, maybe the rogue purchase—and what it made me feel.
One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.
I’ve been focusing on reading so I can complete the Book of the Month Club challenge this year. If I do, the prize is a denim hat that has “READING IS SEXY” embroidered on it. Imagine my surprise when everyone on Reddit is tearing this prize to shreds. It was like finding out people were making fun of my outfit in high school all over again.
Horrifying.
And yet, I still want it. Some could call this growth.
I want you to read through this all because I spent a lot of time on it, but even if you don’t, please at least watch the last YouTube short. It’s worth it.
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage
Carrie Soto is Back
Madwoman
News/letters for crying, laughing and those intertwined
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter
In order to be gifted this coveted hat, I need to read books from different genres, including a memoir. I’d been meaning to pick up this one up since I heard about it earlier this year. Reading memoirs of women who are in the throes of mothering and marriage has felt like a breath of fresh air. Anyone who is willing to drop ego and say how things actually feel is a hero to me. This memoir is about, as the title suggests, a woman exploring what an open marriage is like for her and her beloved husband while raising children. This is but one experience with open marriage, but it was riveting to read. I tore through it.
As I was reading, what occurred to me was how there are times in parenting where what your child needs–stability, consistency, predictability–can be at odds with what a lot of us can start to feel churning around this age and stage: the midlife portal.1 All this desire for creativity, for new, for spontaneity, for novelty. While I won’t deny I’ve always had a creative tilt that I stifled through staying busy with other things, it’s nothing like what I’ve felt in the last few years. Following along while she navigated that push/pull of duty to self and duty to family was such a reminder of the fact that you don’t stop existing—in all these ways—no matter how much is needed of you and how much you love someone. That may sound obvious, but it doesn’t always feel obvious.
Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid
Carrie Soto is a tennis legend who comes out of retirement to win back the title for the most Grand Slams after it gets clinched by another player on the circuit. This one skips around time, which I don’t always love, but it’s done well here. Usually I’m drawn into the love story of it all, which I did enjoy in this one as well, but I found myself most compelled by her relationship with her father—also her coach. While I doubt we have a tennis phenom on our hands—no shade, Arch— it evoked questions that any parent likely has at one point: How much do we encourage our kids to be disciplined and committed to something?—and—How much do we remind them to enjoy the ride? And then I laugh when I remember this doesn’t matter in my case, because my son has yet to heed my advice. Not once. This kid is going to do what he’s going to do and my words of wisdom will wither up and die on the vine.
This book also explored the theme of proving yourself versus being yourself, which always seems to land for me. I have loved most of TJR’s books, but this one may be up there for me.2
Madwoman by Chelsea Bieker
Like a lot of people this fall, I read this novel about a woman with a traumatic history trying like hell to outrun the depths of that truth through perfecting herself and her life. I read it the week of the election, which was…a choice. It felt very, very lived in—particularly the relational dynamics. Interestingly, and I didn’t think of this until now, but there are some overlaps in her obsession with wellness and the piece I did last week on spiritual bypassing. For any of the readers out there, I’m hoping to attend Book Club this week to explore this one a bit more (12/4 at 6p MST).
Note: I’d advise checking content warnings before reading.
News/letters
If you’re ready for a good cry:
- ’s piece, Meditations on grief and being a person who writes is so beautiful and one of the best things I’ve read about grief.
If you want to laugh and be stunned by a take you didn’t know you had, but you definitely do. I offer:
If you want to laugh and cry in the truth of it all:
- ’s piece I don’t understand why more women don’t want to be mothers in this country that doesn’t support mothers. I sent this to so many people and did a live reading of it to my husband in the kitchen. You’ll know you’ve reached my favorite part when she says, “Boy howdy...”
For my sober friends:
This can be a hard time of year to be sober, this NYT piece3 on socializing while sober was a nice, quick reminder of the gifts and, let’s be real, burdens of sobriety.
On Deck: The Husbands, All Fours, and Wintering and for my therapist friends reading, I’ve got Trauma and Dissociation Informed Internal Family Systems.
SNL
Saturday Night
My Old Ass
Gladiator II
Will & Harper
Bad Sisters
Shrinking
Like seemingly everyone else this fall, I watched Nobody Wants This. I said all I can say about it here, here and here. I also watched Tell Me Lies, which I love and I can’t stop watching, but the only thing, in good conscious, I could write about that show would be dissertation length—which I won’t do. Without further ado, this is everything else I’ve gotten into since my last roundup.
Washington’s Dream 2 (SNL skit)
My husband and I love SNL. It’s not perfect, of course, but like clockwork we watch every Saturday night. In the era of streaming and everything being available exactly when we want it, there is something so retro about watching something live. This particular skit is a follow up to one from last year. It made me laugh so hard I was gasping for air and wishing I could pause and rewind it. It highlights the insanity of how people—and in particular, people in government—just make shit up cause they wanna. Nate Bargatze’s delivery is so perfectly flat and, as usual, Keenan Thompson is the best part.
(Peacock for the full episode)
Saturday Night
Since we’re here talking about SNL, my husband and I saw the new film, directed by Jason Reitman (Juno, Up in the Air, Young Adult), that depicts the hours leading up to the first ever live broadcast of what has become an American institution. Because of how much we love SNL, this was a thrill to watch. The casting was superb–every actor really gave it their all. It was so interesting to watch how my body was reacting. For the first hour, I was buzzing–my teeth were literally chattering. Then, as it was clear they were close to going live, I felt eerily calm—smiling, loosening, almost buoyant. I’ve heard the cast describe it that way: the anticipation is manic, the execution is all flow.
(Currently in a few theaters or you can rent on Prime; I would imagine, but don’t quote me, soon to be on SNL’s streamer, Peacock)
My Old Ass
I loved the premise of this one: a young woman about to head off to college, Elliot, after a mushroom trip with her friends comes face to face with herself at 39 years old. Begging the question of, “How much information do we want about how our lives will go? How much do we want to shield ourselves from the pain that goes hand in hand with our joy?” Again the casting is so spot on–particularly young Elliot, played by Maisy Stella, stole the show IMO. 39 year old Elliot is played by the always great, Aubrey Plaza.
Not only was this coming of age story tender and robust in feeling, the location it was shot in (Ontario) had me aching with longing. Trees, lakes, cabins galore. As someone who grew up spending summers in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, these images are the epitome of the feeling of home for me. At one point they showed a panoramic view and I shouted, “Oh, fuck off.”
(Prime)
Gladiator II
Despite having multiple exes with Gladiator poster adorned walls, I had never seen the film. In preparation to get my Paul Mescal on in theaters, we watched the original, starring Russell Crowe. It’s certainly epic and Crowe did some of his best acting without a doubt. I will say, I got a bit bored of all the iterations of the battles. So much so that I turned to my husband and asked, “Just so I can prepare myself, how many more times do they do this dance?” but overall it was better than I was expecting.
To cast these three—Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal and THE Denzel Washington— as the leads of Gladiator II was inspired. It was a master class to see them do their thing–Denzel in particular in those drapey robes about leveled me. That being said, I don’t know if I can watch violent movies anymore. I admire the scale and the undertaking, but I personally would have rather watched Denzel, Paul and Pedro sit around a room and talk for two and a half hours. Truthfully, I got more pleasure watching Paul eat hot wings here (and also every other video from this press run. I’ve seen them all).
(In theaters now)
Will & Harper
Harper and her best friend from their SNL days, Will Ferrell, travel across the country to explore their relationship and how it feels to visit the types of places she’s always loved–dive bars, hole in the wall restaurants, etc.–now, fully as herself: a trans woman. I cried too many times to count. I held my breath as she entered each place, sometimes alone. Will, hanging just outside the door, ready to come in. Having grown up in places not unlike the ones they visited, I found myself feeling responsible for how she was treated. Obviously everything is a bit unique when your best friend is a celebrity–in difficult ways and in easeful ways–but regardless how specific this experience was to Harper, there is also something so universal about her experience. I also must add, it was painful and necessary to hear how therapists4 have historically shit the bed in supporting trans people. A reminder of how sacred the role of being someone’s trusted safe place is.
(Netflix)
Bad Sisters
I’ve been meaning to watch this series—about Irish sisters who may or may not have killed someone—since it premiered a few years ago, but I never got around to it. While home with a stomach bug last month, I blazed through the first season in a few days. I love Sharon Horgan so, so, so much. I will watch her do nearly anything. The fact that she writes all this and stars in it. She’s a total powerhouse. The whole cast is amazing and all of it done with the backdrop of Dublin, I mean…catch me on the next flight out.
(Second season currently streaming on Apple+)
Shrinking
Any show with therapists heavily featured typically fills me with excitement and dread in equal measure. It’s rarely depicted even remotely close to what my experience as a practitioner and client has been and, even more concerning, it often shows therapists doing the most ethically nefarious shit. Shrinking is guilty on both accounts. I do, however, still love watching it. It’s joyful and heartbreaking and ridiculous. Once again, the cast is sparkling—no notes in that respect.
(Second season currently streaming on Apple+)
Elizabeth Gilbert on The Marie Forleo Podcast
If I see Liz speaking, chances are I’m going to listen to what she has to say. I’d never heard Marie’s podcast before, but I was stunned by how much these two cover in less than 90 minutes. My biggest take away is when Liz talks about being greedy with one’s time. You may balk at that, but I think it’s worth hearing how she gets there and what that practice does for her. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Esther Perel & Miranda July
I haven’t even read July’s All Fours, yet5 and this conversation had a hold on me. Every time I hear Esther talks about aliveness, I get weepy and inspired.
A peak inside my soul…these are on repeat…
wings
There are few things in life I am incredibly confident about and one of them is that this is the best recipe for buffalo wings. Once we start having these in the fall, I want them at least once a fortnight. Hot Tips: (1) Definitely dry brine as long as you can—up to overnight in the fridge. (2) Make sure they come to room temperature after having been in said fridge; this majorly helps with crispiness.
scalloped potatoes
I am NOT the cook in our home. I loathe time in the kitchen. However, once the air becomes cool, I get antsy to cook something full of carbohydrates and dairy. It’s in my Midwestern DNA. I’ve been wanting to make these scalloped potatoes from Chrissy Teigen’s Cravings for years, but we rarely have the occasion when we are cooking for enough people where it would make sense.
This year, I finally did it for Friendsgiving. They turned out pretty good and tasted even better as leftovers.6
How I find peace in the kitchen, even though I’m a super reluctant and anxious cook:
Firstly, I admit the above is true. I am not a natural.
I don’t think I’m alone here, but I’m NOT a good multi-tasker—this is especially true in the kitchen. Because we have a 5 year old and two very, shall I say, high-maintenance cats, I need to know that I’ve got another body to run interference if any of those souls need something (aka: my husband on call, ready to pounce)
I notice how my body is reacting. Almost always my heart is beating very fast and I feel short of breath. I know, so cool, right? I take a minute with that observation—see if I can extend some compassion to my nerves.
As I prep, I listen to jazz music on headphones. I’m quite slow at this stage—I typically take 2x as long as the recipe says.
Once I have everything ready to go, I’ll switch to my “Liked Songs” playlist on Spotify and let it rip. Nothing like a little “WAP” in my ears to inspire a can-do attitude 😂
20 min Yoga Wash (Yoga with Adrienne–YouTube)
By my estimation, this is a slightly more moderate practice, but she offers a lot of modifications. I love all the twisting in this one. I find that it helps my anxious parts soften back. Plus, it allows me to tap into deeper breath and elongate parts of me that can get very collapsed from sitting most of the day.
30 min Yin Yoga (Peloton)
This is a good full body practice. It got into all my nooks and crannies physically and the instructor explores self-compassion and slowing down.7
30 min Yin Yoga (Peloton)
Another one? Yes, another one. This instructor, Aditi, is my favorite. I have done nearly every single yin class she offers. This one is more hips focused–juicy and balanced. I’ve actually done this one several times in the last month. Modification: I personally like to stay close to the ground while doing yin, so when she cues for downward dog, I do a child’s pose instead.
How I level up my restorative yoga in the winter months:
First and foremost, I do it more. I’m doing it at least 2x a week right now, sometimes more.
For at home yoga practices, I have hot tea near me. In between poses, I’ll take a sip or in seated poses where my hands are free, I may just hold the cup to warm my hands.
Even though I often try to do it in the darkest room I can find (with candles), an eye mask for long poses is heaven, especially for savasana.
I wear layers, including a hat and socks. I can take things off as I go along, but I stay attuned to if my body temperature is distracting me from dropping in more fully.
Fleece blankets
Boxing🥊
Your girl has been boxing. My rage has been very present lately. I like to funnel her. Honor her. She has a lot to say. There are a lot of free boxing classes on YouTube,8 in-person classes (something I’d love to do, but haven’t yet—2025 goal set!), and Peloton has boxing bootcamps and shadow boxing classes.
Final Thoughts: We joined a gym with a kids club (**imagine the sound of angel’s singing**) and it has been a game changer for us. We get to exercise together while our son plays. It’s the best thing we’ve done for our family in a long time. Archie has started to ask questions and express an interest in exercise. I grew up with mixed messages about movement—was this a punishment, a requirement? I’m trying my best to be honest and clear with him about why we do this thing. I’ve started to share with him how it allows me to feel more calm, while also feeling more strong and confident in myself. These mini-conversations have helped me advocate out loud why this is important and it sets the stage that my mood and mental health take conscious effort to tend to and, most of all, that they are categorically not his responsibility to manage.
local systems
I recently learned about a local non-profit, Women’s Bean Project, that struck me in how it got it’s start through one person zooming out and thinking about the larger system and how we can support people more holistically. Here is a bit of their story:9
“Back in 1989, our founder, Jossy Eyre, was volunteering at a daytime women’s shelter in Denver, CO. She realized that while the shelter kept the women safe, it could not help them make lasting changes in their lives. To help the women achieve independence and self-sufficiency, she needed to provide an opportunity to experience the dignity of work by learning how to get – and keep – a job. She invested $500 of her own money and put two women to work; the start of the social enterprise we are today.”
“So we hire women who are chronically unemployed and we teach them to work by making nourishing products that we sell across the US through some of the country’s largest retailers. We offer a transitional job in dry food manufacturing designed to provide women immediate income, arrange support services to overcome barriers to employment, and teach the job readiness and life skills needed to get and keep a job. Through their work at the Bean Project, the women learn to stand tall, find their purpose and break the cycle of poverty. Because when you change a woman’s life, you change her family’s life.”
Damn, fucking straight.
Their products–bean soup mix, assorted baking mixes, treats for animals, popcorn, snacks, instant meals, etc. –can be found at King Soopers, Whole Foods, Safety, and smaller retailers. You can also purchase them through their website10 and Amazon.
mixing it up
Quick brag: I knocked it out of the park for my husband’s birthday this year. I made him a choose your own adventure menu.
I wish I could take all the credit for this, but I can’t. I got the idea from Nobody’s Listening, Right? My husband was very moved and it was honestly super fun to get the construction paper and glue stick out for a project.
bustling community
As I wrote about a few weeks ago, I am committed to being more out and about in my community post-election. It turns out, I’m not the only one with this sentiment. I don’t know if it’s the season or if everyone is feeling like this, but I’ve never seen places so busy. My normal coffee shops are bursting at the seams with people.
One afternoon I was seated at the bar that overlooks the baristas as they work. It was packed, not a seat open. One of the baristas looked up at us, smiled and said, “I’ve never seen the coffee bar full. It’s so wonderful. You’re like a big family.” I about burst into tears.
Just this morning as I was writing this, at a different coffee shop, one of the baristas asked me if I knew anyone looking to date. The whole team is on the lookout for one of their regulars. Will this be the return of being set up?
Across the board, the gym is bustling, both of my coffee spots, the grocery store, even movie theaters are packed. As an introvert, I’m confused by my reaction, which is to feel warm and full of joy seeing people. Maybe this is the remnants of the isolation from COVID and early motherhood. Or maybe it’s the sentimentality sobriety has heightened in me. Could just be the holidays. I don’t know. But, I’m here for it.
Before we part, five YouTube shorts:
finally, this LEGENDDDDDD
Questions for you:
Did you catch any of the above shows, books, movies, etc.? What did you think?
Can’t miss holiday dishes? Any other anxious cooks out there?
What are you loving right now? Movies, TV, music, podcasts, purchases, moments in time? I’d love any recommendations on podcast episodes.
Coming up:
Starting in the new year, these roundups will be monthly to avoid them getting so bulky. Plus, a monthly reflection seems likes a great exercise in and of itself. Help me pick the new name:
Later in December, a piece about how I freak out every holiday break. Weee!!
I’m working on IFS specific pieces (e.g., meditations, practices) for y’all in the paid subscription tier. The founder of IFS has a workbook coming out soon that is meant for non-clinicians. Once I get my hands on it and review it, I’d love to go through that with you—maybe in the new year!
Disclaiming. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
ICYMI:
If you enjoy reading dialoguing, there are lots of ways to show that love: click that little “heart,” come hang in the comments, tell a friend (this is the ultimate compliment to me because I know we only send links of the highest caliber to our friends), or upgrade to a paid subscription. I’m so grateful for your support of any kind.
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo is still number one. I read the majority of this book in a hammock on a trip to Mexico—the first trip after I’d had my son—so that could factor into how highly I hold this one in my mind.
I gifted it, so it should work even if you don’t have a NYT subscription, let me know if it doesn't work
I do appreciate the honesty of the therapist they met at the Grand Canyon and understand the field of psychology’s stance itself likely influenced her handling of that person’s care.
I have it slated for January 2025.
I made a few adjustments:
I halved it. The recipe serves and I quote Chrissy here, “A shit-ton of people.”
I didn’t soak the potatoes in water. I wanted the creaminess scalloped potatoes are known for, but not mush. If you want it mushier, than soak away.
I saw in videos and other recipes that the roux (the mixing of the four and the fat) was way too thick at her ratios, so I added more milk to keep it thin enough.
Even if you don’t have a Peloton membership for their classes–you don’t need a bike or tread to do their strength, yoga, cardio, etc.--it looks like they have a 60 day free promo going on right now
We were a Kathy Smith VHS household growing up—not that I had any say in the matter, of course—and I found the video I used to do. I have done this class no less than 100 times. I screamed when I found it.
All copy straight from their website.
Free shipping on gifts above $50 right now
Collage Image Credit: Paul Mescal in Gladiator II photo (Paramount); Wings (Romulo Yanes for The New York Times. Stylist: Vivian Lui.); Shrinking photo (Apple+); My Old Ass photo (Prime - © Amazon Content Services LLC)
I loved, loved, LOVED Carrie Soto is Back! (Also, loved this newsletter.)
Lots of goodness in here, but I came here to say that I loved “My Old Ass” too! I had a feeling it would be delightful, but was really caught off guard by the tenderness (especially as a 39-almost-40-year old). My partner and I were both 🥹 at the end.