Thank you for this. I found myself nodding along, “same. same”. My relationship to my phone is so so similar to the way I drank / why I drank. The mental pull. All of that.
I have been in recovery for 4 1/2 years and I am still so quick to go from urge to action. I never before heard of “urge surfing”.
I’m walking into a summer where I know deeply that I need to surf those urges. To actually be with the humans in my life, be with myself, my pets, nature. All of it. And just as critical is the investigation. While riding the urge out - ask myself-“what is this itch all about?” - before I go and scratch it incessantly.
All this to say that I appreciate your compassionate approach to all of this. Bricks for our phones don’t solve anything (IMO). They are just temporary bandaids. It’s way more nuanced/layered.
Urge surfing is one of those terms when I heard it I felt such relief-- in that it existed, this was a phenomenon people experienced, which meant I could, too.
Such a significant summer for you and the family. It's inspiring to hear how intentional you're being <3
I noticed that even using my eReader will turn my daughter into a clingy monkey. Something about a screen in hand. I’ve been finding that we are both more at ease when I have a physical book in hand to occupy my evening time.
“His boner for stoicism feels incomplete to me.” Only you could make me spit out my coffee 😂 Reading your words feels like I’m talking to a good friend over voice notes.
hahaha. I'm sorry you lost some precious coffee, but glad you gotta a good laugh in <3 This is quite the endorsement. Would you be OK if I quote you in my marketing?
1. I’ve been trying the “don’t use my phone until after drop off” for a long time. Currently I wake up about 15 minutes before the kids comes to snuggle and then we have to be out the door within about 45 more minutes. I am interested to see how I feel on vacation and then with later camp drop offs as the summer progresses. I told my kids yesterday we need to write our routine together for the summer weeks after we get back from vacation.
I still have insta but have had the 1 hour limit on it for about a year. Leaving my phone in other rooms is also more effective for me and I mainly charge it in the kitchen or living room. I have an Apple Watch but the only notifications I get on it are calls and texts.
2. I find I often look at my phone more when my kids are watching a show I don’t like and that’s often when I feel the urge to pick it up. It’s hard for me when they’re having screen time to not look at my screen too especially when they’ve just eaten a snack and I know I dont need to be thinking about dinner yet.
If I’m with friends or extended family, I don’t have those same urges and there is something to be said for spending time with people who aren’t on any devices. When with my husband’s family at a wedding weekend, people were all sitting around chatting and I felt no need to be on my phone. There’s very much an element of feeling like I should be on my phone too if everyone around me is- I notice this at sports practices. I try to have physical books with me to redirect those feelings. I read books when my husband watches sports majority of the time and I don’t have a hard time with putting my phone away at night.
I have the Hatch restore! I initially got it for the mimicking sunrise aspect but then I started waking up before it anyway. But it has some pretty flute music. My husband has T1D and his blood sugar alarms also wake me up but he got a new clock that shows the glucose numbers so we don’t have to look at our phones to see the Dexcom app.
I love this idea of getting everyone involved in making the routine for the summer.
I'm nodding so hard at the show with the kids part. I hate to say it, but something it's painful to watch some of the shows he likes. I want to find it in me to be more engaged, but sometimes I just can't get there. I had this exact conversation with myself last night while my son was having a bit of evening watch time, "How do I use this 20 minutes?" Do I read a few things? Catch up on emails? Unload the dishwasher? Just sit here? The latter of which is harder for me to do when we are still in the middle of the evening routine.
Totally feel you on the impulse when others are on their phones, too. I give myself a lot of grace in those situations. We are social animals prone to mirroring (this is why I pick up on accent wherever I travel, ha!). So I give a lot of grace on one side and a ton credit when I'm able to resist. In the Haidt interview I mentioned he talked about how important/helpful it is to not be the only one doing something (e.g., a parent who has limits about screens, social media, phones) and I think this is true as adults, too. I love spaces where we've all sort of agreed to not be on our phones.
I love this. I’ve tried some of these methods and I haven’t stuck with many of them long term. But I like the idea of going deeper. Why do I keep reaching for “the” phone? I think if I understand that it might be easier to keep these other things in check.
And the notebook while watching tv is brilliant. Sometimes I just want to look something up etc, but then get sucked into my phone after that one thing.
I'm so happy to hear it's stimulated something for you. I get excited by the idea of going deeper. It's sort of cliche coming from a therapist, but I like the idea I may learn something about my innards I didn't know--or fully know--before.
The notebook is definitely a huge component of being able to do this without my anxiety rising. It feels less "forcing."
Thank you so much for the shout out! <3 Also "boner for stoicism" is my new favorite phrase
Of course! I love the idea so much.
and yes, my crowning achievement for sure.
Thank you for this. I found myself nodding along, “same. same”. My relationship to my phone is so so similar to the way I drank / why I drank. The mental pull. All of that.
I have been in recovery for 4 1/2 years and I am still so quick to go from urge to action. I never before heard of “urge surfing”.
I’m walking into a summer where I know deeply that I need to surf those urges. To actually be with the humans in my life, be with myself, my pets, nature. All of it. And just as critical is the investigation. While riding the urge out - ask myself-“what is this itch all about?” - before I go and scratch it incessantly.
All this to say that I appreciate your compassionate approach to all of this. Bricks for our phones don’t solve anything (IMO). They are just temporary bandaids. It’s way more nuanced/layered.
Thanks for this particular dialogue, Kaitlyn. 🙏🏼
Urge surfing is one of those terms when I heard it I felt such relief-- in that it existed, this was a phenomenon people experienced, which meant I could, too.
Such a significant summer for you and the family. It's inspiring to hear how intentional you're being <3
I noticed that even using my eReader will turn my daughter into a clingy monkey. Something about a screen in hand. I’ve been finding that we are both more at ease when I have a physical book in hand to occupy my evening time.
Totally cosign this observation. It's like they know.
“His boner for stoicism feels incomplete to me.” Only you could make me spit out my coffee 😂 Reading your words feels like I’m talking to a good friend over voice notes.
hahaha. I'm sorry you lost some precious coffee, but glad you gotta a good laugh in <3 This is quite the endorsement. Would you be OK if I quote you in my marketing?
It’s always ok with me
The thing about your kid ignoring what you say but paying full-freaking-constant-attention to everything you do… *ooooof* nailed it.
It's incredible, right? All these speeches I had stored up and all of them will go to waste, ha!
1. I’ve been trying the “don’t use my phone until after drop off” for a long time. Currently I wake up about 15 minutes before the kids comes to snuggle and then we have to be out the door within about 45 more minutes. I am interested to see how I feel on vacation and then with later camp drop offs as the summer progresses. I told my kids yesterday we need to write our routine together for the summer weeks after we get back from vacation.
I still have insta but have had the 1 hour limit on it for about a year. Leaving my phone in other rooms is also more effective for me and I mainly charge it in the kitchen or living room. I have an Apple Watch but the only notifications I get on it are calls and texts.
2. I find I often look at my phone more when my kids are watching a show I don’t like and that’s often when I feel the urge to pick it up. It’s hard for me when they’re having screen time to not look at my screen too especially when they’ve just eaten a snack and I know I dont need to be thinking about dinner yet.
If I’m with friends or extended family, I don’t have those same urges and there is something to be said for spending time with people who aren’t on any devices. When with my husband’s family at a wedding weekend, people were all sitting around chatting and I felt no need to be on my phone. There’s very much an element of feeling like I should be on my phone too if everyone around me is- I notice this at sports practices. I try to have physical books with me to redirect those feelings. I read books when my husband watches sports majority of the time and I don’t have a hard time with putting my phone away at night.
I have the Hatch restore! I initially got it for the mimicking sunrise aspect but then I started waking up before it anyway. But it has some pretty flute music. My husband has T1D and his blood sugar alarms also wake me up but he got a new clock that shows the glucose numbers so we don’t have to look at our phones to see the Dexcom app.
I love this idea of getting everyone involved in making the routine for the summer.
I'm nodding so hard at the show with the kids part. I hate to say it, but something it's painful to watch some of the shows he likes. I want to find it in me to be more engaged, but sometimes I just can't get there. I had this exact conversation with myself last night while my son was having a bit of evening watch time, "How do I use this 20 minutes?" Do I read a few things? Catch up on emails? Unload the dishwasher? Just sit here? The latter of which is harder for me to do when we are still in the middle of the evening routine.
Totally feel you on the impulse when others are on their phones, too. I give myself a lot of grace in those situations. We are social animals prone to mirroring (this is why I pick up on accent wherever I travel, ha!). So I give a lot of grace on one side and a ton credit when I'm able to resist. In the Haidt interview I mentioned he talked about how important/helpful it is to not be the only one doing something (e.g., a parent who has limits about screens, social media, phones) and I think this is true as adults, too. I love spaces where we've all sort of agreed to not be on our phones.
I love this. I’ve tried some of these methods and I haven’t stuck with many of them long term. But I like the idea of going deeper. Why do I keep reaching for “the” phone? I think if I understand that it might be easier to keep these other things in check.
And the notebook while watching tv is brilliant. Sometimes I just want to look something up etc, but then get sucked into my phone after that one thing.
I'm so happy to hear it's stimulated something for you. I get excited by the idea of going deeper. It's sort of cliche coming from a therapist, but I like the idea I may learn something about my innards I didn't know--or fully know--before.
The notebook is definitely a huge component of being able to do this without my anxiety rising. It feels less "forcing."