My kids have remote learning Thursday and Friday this week because we are moving to a new building after break and they want the teachers to have a couple days to get their classrooms ready. I am pretty agitated by that 12/18-1/5 time frame. We have plans to go on a Heydary family beach trip week after Christmas so at least I won’t be alone but I currently don’t have any specific time planned where they are away from me.
My oldest turns 8 in a few weeks- I have noticed writing a schedule with him specifically helps our day flow more smoothly- my 5 yo participates some but my oldest physically writing it helps us. We have a loose plan of things we want to do but sitting down after breakfast usually makes us all get our must dos and want to do items in. This week we have plans on Thursday already but not Friday- I don’t know exactly what they’re sending home for them to work on but I appreciate they will do it if it’s on the calendar.
Last year at this time was the last time I remember having a panic attack so I’m trying to remain aware of that- as an attorney there are a few personal injury lawsuits I was hoping to settle before the end of the year that feel increasingly less likely to be finalized and having clients frustrated with timelines is also wearing on me.
My body generally feels like it’s on fire. I picture Anger from Inside Out a lot.
We watched Home Alone again last night and discussed all the dysregulation on display in the scene where they send Kevin to the attic. But the moment he sees his mom again and when we witness the repair between his neighbor “Old Man Marley” and his son’s family is also really beautiful. The whole theme of the movie is about rupture and repair. It hits much harder now that I have an almost 8 yo boy.
That is a longgg break. Wow. I hear you talking about scheduling at the day itself which I also love and need to remember. Even days where maybe we don’t have as much going on, maybe a rough routine or outline would help.
This is all so relatable and I wish I’d read it before break started - I would have reached out to schedule a play date! (But now I am done with play dates and just want to meet for coffee sans kids lol)
I've read a lot of Jonathan Haidt's stuff recently, so I'm influenced to say - Kids dont need us to provide them with parent-aided enrichment all the time. Sometimes they need to be 'bored' so they become more curious and creative. Sometimes the best way is to find another kid for them to learn through play. It's not neglect, it's nurturing. Whatever culture did to condition you to think that you're a bad parent if you're not engaged 24/7 you can question it and depower it.
I feel that. It's funny--my son does great on his own and navigates boredom quite well, it's more, as you say, my cultural conditioning that I have to contend with.
I love all of this, I can related to what you shared and your steps helped a lot. I often forget I can leave a room, a conversation, and do what I need. I also wrote down in my journal how you defined shame because wow, it taps into something for me that I haven’t thought of yet, how shame often arises when we are lacking acceptance.
I genuinely appreciate you naming that with me. I find it helps, just to say it like it is. I'm putting it out into the universe that we both step out of wherever we are when we need to. <3
I deeply appreciate this piece. My oldest son is 11 and I have a slew of others…down to a 15 month old. It feels less lonely now that it used to because there’s more relating and conversation. Only one of them is a threat to himself without constant surveillance :) But I remember the early years of motherhood…I’ve never felt a deeper lonesomeness than being solo with small children. I felt unmoored & frightened. For me the despair is rooted in how unnatural / non-instinctual it feels for any person to be isolated with little kids.
This made me laugh, "Only one of them is a threat to himself without constant surveillance :)" I remember it well. That is where my hypervigilance found a home.
And yes, you nailed it. It's unnatural to be that isolated with so much life and love and responsibility.
Kaitlyn, I really appreciate your honesty here of how stressful Christmas can feel and your suggestions to help too. Gosh, I can relate to the hyper independence you talk about too, and that panic of what if I can't cope, what if I don't have enough energy. I used to feel like this when my eldest two were little too. I find Christmas stressful, I don't have good memories of Christmas growing up (lots of family arguments, anger and shouting) and that still affects me I think. My dad passed away 5 years ago so Christmas feels hard without him and my mum stays with us because she can be v intense. This year I'm planning on keeping to our daily routine, as in taking my youngest out for a walk after lunch on Christmas day and if anyone wants to come they can, if not, I'll go just the two of us. I need that headspace. And to continue with my at home workouts because they are going to give me the mood boost that I need!
I love this plan you have! It sounds super attuned to what you need 💕 also, I appreciate your honesty, as well, about the parts that feel hard and the pieces of you that feel tender, especially this time of year.
It feels good to have a rough plan in place, I know something has to change this Christmas as I want to feel less stressed than precious years, and be able to sink into those moments of joy with the kids ❤️. I feel so glad when I see honesty around the struggles of Christmas, it's a strange old time. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with those moments for you grounding you in amongst it all 🎄✨️
Already nervous staring down a week of no childcare next week. It feels like SO much when we don't have any time/space to reset, which is what work can feel like for a lot of moms. Since my baby is only 10 months, I'm not yet at that the holiday overwhelm stage, but I am nervous about it. Hoping in future years I can go into it with the intention of making things special without undoing myself in the process.
“ Hoping in future years I can go into it with the intention of making things special without undoing myself in the process.” This is beautifully put. 🫶🏼
I also have this problem! My daughter is so sweet and entertaining, but knowing I will be the main childcare when we are out of school 12/23-12/27 (and it’s actually 12/21-12-29 with the weekends) makes me extremely anxious. I am coming up with tentative plans of what we will do to get out of the house. I am also introverted, but I do not like being by myself with my child for too much time because of all the reasons you listed. Thank you for writing this because now I feel less weird about it.
My kids have remote learning Thursday and Friday this week because we are moving to a new building after break and they want the teachers to have a couple days to get their classrooms ready. I am pretty agitated by that 12/18-1/5 time frame. We have plans to go on a Heydary family beach trip week after Christmas so at least I won’t be alone but I currently don’t have any specific time planned where they are away from me.
My oldest turns 8 in a few weeks- I have noticed writing a schedule with him specifically helps our day flow more smoothly- my 5 yo participates some but my oldest physically writing it helps us. We have a loose plan of things we want to do but sitting down after breakfast usually makes us all get our must dos and want to do items in. This week we have plans on Thursday already but not Friday- I don’t know exactly what they’re sending home for them to work on but I appreciate they will do it if it’s on the calendar.
Last year at this time was the last time I remember having a panic attack so I’m trying to remain aware of that- as an attorney there are a few personal injury lawsuits I was hoping to settle before the end of the year that feel increasingly less likely to be finalized and having clients frustrated with timelines is also wearing on me.
My body generally feels like it’s on fire. I picture Anger from Inside Out a lot.
We watched Home Alone again last night and discussed all the dysregulation on display in the scene where they send Kevin to the attic. But the moment he sees his mom again and when we witness the repair between his neighbor “Old Man Marley” and his son’s family is also really beautiful. The whole theme of the movie is about rupture and repair. It hits much harder now that I have an almost 8 yo boy.
Home Alone is such a great movie to watch with them- Kevin is a sweet boy just like my nephew!
That is a longgg break. Wow. I hear you talking about scheduling at the day itself which I also love and need to remember. Even days where maybe we don’t have as much going on, maybe a rough routine or outline would help.
This is all so relatable and I wish I’d read it before break started - I would have reached out to schedule a play date! (But now I am done with play dates and just want to meet for coffee sans kids lol)
hahaha, that sounds about right! Maybe we can do a coffee date this month or next!
I've read a lot of Jonathan Haidt's stuff recently, so I'm influenced to say - Kids dont need us to provide them with parent-aided enrichment all the time. Sometimes they need to be 'bored' so they become more curious and creative. Sometimes the best way is to find another kid for them to learn through play. It's not neglect, it's nurturing. Whatever culture did to condition you to think that you're a bad parent if you're not engaged 24/7 you can question it and depower it.
I feel that. It's funny--my son does great on his own and navigates boredom quite well, it's more, as you say, my cultural conditioning that I have to contend with.
Thank you for this!
I love all of this, I can related to what you shared and your steps helped a lot. I often forget I can leave a room, a conversation, and do what I need. I also wrote down in my journal how you defined shame because wow, it taps into something for me that I haven’t thought of yet, how shame often arises when we are lacking acceptance.
I'm so glad it resonated. The leaving bit is so hard to access at times. I'm hopeful I can actually put this intention into practice this season.
I am right there with you.
I feel the same way about my kids time off m. Pure dread. However, I love this quote “I’m stepping outside wherever I am.
When I’m in full-on overwhelm, the solution is never to stay where I am and try harder.” And this is now my new mantra to get me to January!
I genuinely appreciate you naming that with me. I find it helps, just to say it like it is. I'm putting it out into the universe that we both step out of wherever we are when we need to. <3
I deeply appreciate this piece. My oldest son is 11 and I have a slew of others…down to a 15 month old. It feels less lonely now that it used to because there’s more relating and conversation. Only one of them is a threat to himself without constant surveillance :) But I remember the early years of motherhood…I’ve never felt a deeper lonesomeness than being solo with small children. I felt unmoored & frightened. For me the despair is rooted in how unnatural / non-instinctual it feels for any person to be isolated with little kids.
This made me laugh, "Only one of them is a threat to himself without constant surveillance :)" I remember it well. That is where my hypervigilance found a home.
And yes, you nailed it. It's unnatural to be that isolated with so much life and love and responsibility.
Kaitlyn, I really appreciate your honesty here of how stressful Christmas can feel and your suggestions to help too. Gosh, I can relate to the hyper independence you talk about too, and that panic of what if I can't cope, what if I don't have enough energy. I used to feel like this when my eldest two were little too. I find Christmas stressful, I don't have good memories of Christmas growing up (lots of family arguments, anger and shouting) and that still affects me I think. My dad passed away 5 years ago so Christmas feels hard without him and my mum stays with us because she can be v intense. This year I'm planning on keeping to our daily routine, as in taking my youngest out for a walk after lunch on Christmas day and if anyone wants to come they can, if not, I'll go just the two of us. I need that headspace. And to continue with my at home workouts because they are going to give me the mood boost that I need!
I love this plan you have! It sounds super attuned to what you need 💕 also, I appreciate your honesty, as well, about the parts that feel hard and the pieces of you that feel tender, especially this time of year.
It feels good to have a rough plan in place, I know something has to change this Christmas as I want to feel less stressed than precious years, and be able to sink into those moments of joy with the kids ❤️. I feel so glad when I see honesty around the struggles of Christmas, it's a strange old time. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with those moments for you grounding you in amongst it all 🎄✨️
“Sink into those moments” yes. That resonates very deeply for me, too!
Already nervous staring down a week of no childcare next week. It feels like SO much when we don't have any time/space to reset, which is what work can feel like for a lot of moms. Since my baby is only 10 months, I'm not yet at that the holiday overwhelm stage, but I am nervous about it. Hoping in future years I can go into it with the intention of making things special without undoing myself in the process.
“ Hoping in future years I can go into it with the intention of making things special without undoing myself in the process.” This is beautifully put. 🫶🏼
Thank you for your honesty and also sharing some real-life ways that you're taking care of yourself that feel real and attainable. Love your words!
Thank you so so much! I’m glad to hear it feels attainable. I never know when it’s just in my head.
Hugs to you! Thanks for the love 🫶🏽
I also have this problem! My daughter is so sweet and entertaining, but knowing I will be the main childcare when we are out of school 12/23-12/27 (and it’s actually 12/21-12-29 with the weekends) makes me extremely anxious. I am coming up with tentative plans of what we will do to get out of the house. I am also introverted, but I do not like being by myself with my child for too much time because of all the reasons you listed. Thank you for writing this because now I feel less weird about it.
I feel less weird about it, too, hearing you share that. 💕 I’m so in your corner, hoping you can find some plans that nourish you!
Beautifully said and a great reminder of how to center our own experiences during the holidays, Kaitlyn! ♥️ sending love!
Thank you, Gwen!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼