This is timely because I unexpectedly have to go home to Cleveland this weekend for a funeral. While I miss my family and home friends something terrible, I don't enjoy visiting home. I am reminded while there some of the reasons why I left in the first place. I'm always intrigued by folks who have a deep connection and sense of pride about where they come from because that isn't my experience at all.
Thinking of you as you head back for what I can only imagine comes with it's own complexity. That being reminded why you left can be so tricky. It's validating on the one hand and then stings on the other. I hope this means you find yourself in a place you connect with more now.
A million thank yous for articulating and sharing something I've felt everywhere I've lived for as long as I can remember. The power of recognising yourself in someone else's words is startling and reassuring as I sit in very parallel feelings. It's also making me think more on the movies Past Lives and Brooklyn with how they tell stories about home/leaving home/making a new home through the lens of immigration. This writing is a gift 😌
Aoife, your words really mean a lot to me. I was feeling quite full of doubt on this one and seeing your comment this morning really helped me recenter. I'm so glad they resonated with you and felt like they spoke to something you've experienced as well.
Just posted a note about self doubt prior reading this, Kaitlyn; a little odd to thank you for sharing your own (vs. my hardcore instinct to give a hug), but… thank you!
Your words more than resonated — they legitimatised how I feel, along with this comments thread.
The first time I felt close to belonging was living in Ireland as an adult, as I’m half-Irish so things like not having to explain my name and just feeling comfortable were such an exhale, but that then got twisted through a bunch of things like burnout, being told I wasn’t actually Irish/Irish enough, and not being able to properly settle there due to the pandemic.
I think I’ve made peace with the reality that I probably won’t ever truly feel like anywhere geographic is home; instead home is wherever my husband and I are together. Being clear on my values and living them, simplifying routines, and eliminating noise helps me feel grounded in what that sense of home is within myself. The awkward part now is how much more difficult I find it to visit our childhood homes/families where the fawning response is just to compromise those values to keep the peace.
Adjacent to this, I think I also realised that I don’t want to load hope of a particular feeling on places anymore. I think it’s tied up in wanting now for the values to inform my feelings now so that I can just be wherever I am without the weight of emotional expectation. This segues into the lyric from I Hate It Here that, “Nostalgia is a mind’s trick”. I keep thinking about this song and how it sums up how I felt all throughout my childhood/young adulthood in my hometown, and then in the city I lived for 13 years. Like how places that are meant to feel like home can be places we’re enduring? Sorry for the million thoughts!
I feel for and with you about the push/pull in Ireland for you of feeling that belonging and then it getting “twisted” as you said.
You make such a good point. My husband said something similar after reading this—that’s it’s less places for him and more a body feel wherever he is. What you said about emotional expectation really makes sense to me. It can be so loaded you don’t even know how you feel. I also hear you about the fawning response in certain places.
Wow, your husband's words are completely resonant in this. And that also makes me wonder about whether we have these instincts within us before we get societal and familial ideas of what 'home' is? So often knowing how we feel is complicated by countless changing and static things; when we're in setting where our cues are mixed up, there's stress, or it's not really safe, then parsing these feelings gets mega muddled. Straight away this feels related to what you wrote about last week about the experience that, "All the pieces of me are accounted for". If we are the homes we live in, then how do I act with care towards that home and take note when some parts of me feel whacky.
Related, this conversation also prompted me to return to this Jen Shoop article about Matt Haig concept of "A baggy life". I've been discussing it with my husband as we're in the trenches of a bunch of this stuff. Jen's musings on this specific topic are about midway through the article:
Love this term-a baggy life! It’s funny I’ve been super into this loose fitting jumpsuit lately (like I wore it 3x over the long weekend here in the US). I think you may be on to something about socialization of what home is. About how it’s something static, true, outside of you rather than something we feel in our bodies from one moment to another.
Lots to say and sit with but for now this was very timely read! We went to DC area this past weekend and it brought up a lot of feelings too. It was a very temporary home for us during the pandemic. I often think if we moved back it would be better the second time with our new wisdom. That’s how it was for us and Charlottesville. The second rodeo has been better than our first as undergrads. We will NOT be moving back to our bumfucknowhere hometowns lol. It’s fine to visit but only for a day because we’ve definitely outgrown it.
Chicago really is a beautiful place. I visited a month ago and will be returning in August. I'll have to check out some of the spots you mentioned. As for the discussion question(s) - can we ever go back home? - I say no. The location can be revisited but home isn't just a space, it's also a period of time, and it's a feeling. Both of which, when lost, can't ever be revived. There are ways to replicate or replace them, but no, they can't be repeated. But that's OK. That's the beauty of life. There's always something new on the horizon.
Yes. I love this reflection. It’s been wonderful to put this out there and see all the different responses like this about how it’s more of a felt sense than a static place.
I’ll have lots more recommendations in next weeks, too!
I must start with saying look at that hot mama! Such a cute outfit, you look amazing. I'm so here for the sparkly tights.
Love this piece. Your writing always feels so timely. I have recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) about my childhood home, including last night. It's in the same town but it looks so different. Every so often I feel this pull to drive by, waiting for the neighborhood to no longer feel like home. In some ways it feels like there's a stranger in my house, even though my family sold that home 20 years ago. It's like this physical manifestation of my past that I don't ever want to return to yet can't ever escape.
Those recurring dreams are so vivid and, for me at least, so unnerving. Thank you for sharing that complexity of that feeling. I’ve done that drive by too. Many, many times.
Really enjoyed and related to this. When I was 11, my family moved from PA to a really idyllic waterfront community in VA. We then moved back north four years later. In the subsequent decades, I’ve looked back on that VA location as almost magical—totally romanticized it. I’d been dying to go back and see how it seems now, and finally did that two years ago. It was surreal. Many things were exactly as I remembered, and it also brought back so many memories (good, bad, and complicated) from my adolescence. A total mind-fuck, but wonderful.
It’s amazing how places can have that magical quality to them in our memory. I know exactly what you mean. That is how the cabin on a lake I mentioned was to me.
As always, this is so good! It took 16 months of traveling around the US in a camper for me to understand the concept of home. That tiny little box on wheels felt more like home than any other place I’ve lived. But also, I’ve noticed that it’s not the towns that matter for me. It’s the immediate environment. Like, I feel so at home in the woods in the northeast and at the bottom of the ocean some place warm.
That is such a good point about how sometimes it's not a whole place, it's more about the elements.
Also, I just feel like I know you'd love this. I found a snake in our house today (face palm)! Talk about the elements. I got it out safely with no harm to me nor the snake, but jeepers. That got my blood pumping.
Eeek! Was I telling you about the huge snake skin I pulled out of Zumi’s throat when he was 16 weeks old? Holy moly. I forget what snakes symbolize. It might be a reminder to listen to your intuition. Google can tell you.
Yes, I felt this. The allure of going home, the reality of finding it and me completely different. The grace that you show yourself while moving through anxious moments is admirable too, that really stood out to me especially as returning to places that are loaded with memories requires an extra level of self-compassion and breath sometimes. Appreciate the mention and really looking forward to the second part of this essay!
Amara, thank you so much for saying so! I take that reflection to heart because I can feel how deeply thoughtful you are in your writing. And, yes you're right on--so much breath and so much self-compassion.
Reading my mind once again! I went on a belated birthday trip last week with a dear friend, and we talked about the formative experience of studying abroad (her in Galway, Ireland, me in Vienna, Austria) and feeling a deep sense of belonging, of being seen and liking ourselves, for the first time in our lives -- and as you also described, an urgency to mold ourselves into a shape that would allow us to hold onto that belonging. I've got all the feels!
We really do read each other's minds. We are just so on the same wave length. Wow, I bet that experience on study abroad can feel even more acute because you know it's time-limited.
Kaitlyn… I lived right across the square from Lula! Once upon a time, long ago. I spent some truly formative years there, and have only been back maybe twice, for all the feels you’ve explored here.
Human brains hatehatehate change, right?? We can know this, intellectually, but when faced with the real-time proof of the concept, of how different both we and the places we’ve inhabited have changed… unmooring. It’s itchy and confusing.
I’m pretty notorious for not returning to those places I had to actively leave (aka escape), and there’ve been a few. Buuuut, also—surprising no one more than myself—ultimately returned to my hometown to raise a family. Maybe the 20 years away was the key?? Lots to ponder. Sending love for the gift. 💝
It really is so amazing to see how that happens. I deeply understand that returning to home, home for the child rearing years. If my husband could have tolerated it, I also would have returned to my hometown for this season of life but he’s a city boy through and through.
Another gem of wisdom Kaitlyn! I appreciated this one to understand Scott a little better actually. We live close to the places I grew up, but not him. There have been several trips to his hometown (where all of his family still lives) for things like holidays, funerals, etc. It often brings up a lot of emotions and since I don't have the same experience it's really nice to hear you share yours. 🤍
This hit home (see what I did there?) 🫠 I'm cringing, too.
I love the concept of "you can always go back." That's something that will stick with me—thank you for sharing.
I've had some similar themes showing up in my own life that I'm working on writing about now, in terms of going back after some time has passed.
But as for the topic of home, it's interesting because I feel more at home in places other than my hometown. I never really 'fit in' there, and each time I go back it becomes more clear that I was never meant to be there.
A few places that have felt like home are Yellowknife, Canada and my current town in Northern Thailand. I can also relate to going back to a place sober—my heart goes out to you, because it's not easy to go back as a new version of yourself, especially when nothing has changed in the place. I think those are the moments I wish things wouldn't stay the same in hopes that the things and people have grown too. But I would imagine, most times that's not the case.
This is timely because I unexpectedly have to go home to Cleveland this weekend for a funeral. While I miss my family and home friends something terrible, I don't enjoy visiting home. I am reminded while there some of the reasons why I left in the first place. I'm always intrigued by folks who have a deep connection and sense of pride about where they come from because that isn't my experience at all.
I can relate to this, Ashleigh. I don't feel at home in my hometown, either. I have a limit of 3 weeks before I have to leave again.
I am sorry to hear about your loss, too. I hope the travels home go well, despite the occasion.
Thank you Kaitlyn!
Thinking of you as you head back for what I can only imagine comes with it's own complexity. That being reminded why you left can be so tricky. It's validating on the one hand and then stings on the other. I hope this means you find yourself in a place you connect with more now.
A million thank yous for articulating and sharing something I've felt everywhere I've lived for as long as I can remember. The power of recognising yourself in someone else's words is startling and reassuring as I sit in very parallel feelings. It's also making me think more on the movies Past Lives and Brooklyn with how they tell stories about home/leaving home/making a new home through the lens of immigration. This writing is a gift 😌
Aoife, your words really mean a lot to me. I was feeling quite full of doubt on this one and seeing your comment this morning really helped me recenter. I'm so glad they resonated with you and felt like they spoke to something you've experienced as well.
Just posted a note about self doubt prior reading this, Kaitlyn; a little odd to thank you for sharing your own (vs. my hardcore instinct to give a hug), but… thank you!
🥹🥹humbling accepting
Your words more than resonated — they legitimatised how I feel, along with this comments thread.
The first time I felt close to belonging was living in Ireland as an adult, as I’m half-Irish so things like not having to explain my name and just feeling comfortable were such an exhale, but that then got twisted through a bunch of things like burnout, being told I wasn’t actually Irish/Irish enough, and not being able to properly settle there due to the pandemic.
I think I’ve made peace with the reality that I probably won’t ever truly feel like anywhere geographic is home; instead home is wherever my husband and I are together. Being clear on my values and living them, simplifying routines, and eliminating noise helps me feel grounded in what that sense of home is within myself. The awkward part now is how much more difficult I find it to visit our childhood homes/families where the fawning response is just to compromise those values to keep the peace.
Adjacent to this, I think I also realised that I don’t want to load hope of a particular feeling on places anymore. I think it’s tied up in wanting now for the values to inform my feelings now so that I can just be wherever I am without the weight of emotional expectation. This segues into the lyric from I Hate It Here that, “Nostalgia is a mind’s trick”. I keep thinking about this song and how it sums up how I felt all throughout my childhood/young adulthood in my hometown, and then in the city I lived for 13 years. Like how places that are meant to feel like home can be places we’re enduring? Sorry for the million thoughts!
I feel for and with you about the push/pull in Ireland for you of feeling that belonging and then it getting “twisted” as you said.
You make such a good point. My husband said something similar after reading this—that’s it’s less places for him and more a body feel wherever he is. What you said about emotional expectation really makes sense to me. It can be so loaded you don’t even know how you feel. I also hear you about the fawning response in certain places.
Wow, your husband's words are completely resonant in this. And that also makes me wonder about whether we have these instincts within us before we get societal and familial ideas of what 'home' is? So often knowing how we feel is complicated by countless changing and static things; when we're in setting where our cues are mixed up, there's stress, or it's not really safe, then parsing these feelings gets mega muddled. Straight away this feels related to what you wrote about last week about the experience that, "All the pieces of me are accounted for". If we are the homes we live in, then how do I act with care towards that home and take note when some parts of me feel whacky.
Related, this conversation also prompted me to return to this Jen Shoop article about Matt Haig concept of "A baggy life". I've been discussing it with my husband as we're in the trenches of a bunch of this stuff. Jen's musings on this specific topic are about midway through the article:
https://magpiebyjenshoop.com/weekend-vibes-a-baggy-life/
Love this term-a baggy life! It’s funny I’ve been super into this loose fitting jumpsuit lately (like I wore it 3x over the long weekend here in the US). I think you may be on to something about socialization of what home is. About how it’s something static, true, outside of you rather than something we feel in our bodies from one moment to another.
Lots to say and sit with but for now this was very timely read! We went to DC area this past weekend and it brought up a lot of feelings too. It was a very temporary home for us during the pandemic. I often think if we moved back it would be better the second time with our new wisdom. That’s how it was for us and Charlottesville. The second rodeo has been better than our first as undergrads. We will NOT be moving back to our bumfucknowhere hometowns lol. It’s fine to visit but only for a day because we’ve definitely outgrown it.
You can just feel the places where it fits and where it doesn't, right?
How incredibly timely! Those trips "back" are so layered. I have similar conversations with myself, "Would it be different now?"
Chicago really is a beautiful place. I visited a month ago and will be returning in August. I'll have to check out some of the spots you mentioned. As for the discussion question(s) - can we ever go back home? - I say no. The location can be revisited but home isn't just a space, it's also a period of time, and it's a feeling. Both of which, when lost, can't ever be revived. There are ways to replicate or replace them, but no, they can't be repeated. But that's OK. That's the beauty of life. There's always something new on the horizon.
Yes. I love this reflection. It’s been wonderful to put this out there and see all the different responses like this about how it’s more of a felt sense than a static place.
I’ll have lots more recommendations in next weeks, too!
I must start with saying look at that hot mama! Such a cute outfit, you look amazing. I'm so here for the sparkly tights.
Love this piece. Your writing always feels so timely. I have recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) about my childhood home, including last night. It's in the same town but it looks so different. Every so often I feel this pull to drive by, waiting for the neighborhood to no longer feel like home. In some ways it feels like there's a stranger in my house, even though my family sold that home 20 years ago. It's like this physical manifestation of my past that I don't ever want to return to yet can't ever escape.
☺️ thank you. The tights were so so so fun.
Those recurring dreams are so vivid and, for me at least, so unnerving. Thank you for sharing that complexity of that feeling. I’ve done that drive by too. Many, many times.
Really enjoyed and related to this. When I was 11, my family moved from PA to a really idyllic waterfront community in VA. We then moved back north four years later. In the subsequent decades, I’ve looked back on that VA location as almost magical—totally romanticized it. I’d been dying to go back and see how it seems now, and finally did that two years ago. It was surreal. Many things were exactly as I remembered, and it also brought back so many memories (good, bad, and complicated) from my adolescence. A total mind-fuck, but wonderful.
It’s amazing how places can have that magical quality to them in our memory. I know exactly what you mean. That is how the cabin on a lake I mentioned was to me.
A total mind-fuck is spot on for all of this.
As always, this is so good! It took 16 months of traveling around the US in a camper for me to understand the concept of home. That tiny little box on wheels felt more like home than any other place I’ve lived. But also, I’ve noticed that it’s not the towns that matter for me. It’s the immediate environment. Like, I feel so at home in the woods in the northeast and at the bottom of the ocean some place warm.
That is such a good point about how sometimes it's not a whole place, it's more about the elements.
Also, I just feel like I know you'd love this. I found a snake in our house today (face palm)! Talk about the elements. I got it out safely with no harm to me nor the snake, but jeepers. That got my blood pumping.
Eeek! Was I telling you about the huge snake skin I pulled out of Zumi’s throat when he was 16 weeks old? Holy moly. I forget what snakes symbolize. It might be a reminder to listen to your intuition. Google can tell you.
I never even considered what this could symbolize. I thank you for this reframe 🖤
Yes, I felt this. The allure of going home, the reality of finding it and me completely different. The grace that you show yourself while moving through anxious moments is admirable too, that really stood out to me especially as returning to places that are loaded with memories requires an extra level of self-compassion and breath sometimes. Appreciate the mention and really looking forward to the second part of this essay!
Amara, thank you so much for saying so! I take that reflection to heart because I can feel how deeply thoughtful you are in your writing. And, yes you're right on--so much breath and so much self-compassion.
Reading my mind once again! I went on a belated birthday trip last week with a dear friend, and we talked about the formative experience of studying abroad (her in Galway, Ireland, me in Vienna, Austria) and feeling a deep sense of belonging, of being seen and liking ourselves, for the first time in our lives -- and as you also described, an urgency to mold ourselves into a shape that would allow us to hold onto that belonging. I've got all the feels!
We really do read each other's minds. We are just so on the same wave length. Wow, I bet that experience on study abroad can feel even more acute because you know it's time-limited.
Kaitlyn… I lived right across the square from Lula! Once upon a time, long ago. I spent some truly formative years there, and have only been back maybe twice, for all the feels you’ve explored here.
Human brains hatehatehate change, right?? We can know this, intellectually, but when faced with the real-time proof of the concept, of how different both we and the places we’ve inhabited have changed… unmooring. It’s itchy and confusing.
I’m pretty notorious for not returning to those places I had to actively leave (aka escape), and there’ve been a few. Buuuut, also—surprising no one more than myself—ultimately returned to my hometown to raise a family. Maybe the 20 years away was the key?? Lots to ponder. Sending love for the gift. 💝
Itchy! Such a great descriptor.
It really is so amazing to see how that happens. I deeply understand that returning to home, home for the child rearing years. If my husband could have tolerated it, I also would have returned to my hometown for this season of life but he’s a city boy through and through.
In partnership… negotiables ABOUND. 👥✨
This just made me laugh out loud 🤣 🤣🤣🫠
🤓😘🙌🏻💫
Another gem of wisdom Kaitlyn! I appreciated this one to understand Scott a little better actually. We live close to the places I grew up, but not him. There have been several trips to his hometown (where all of his family still lives) for things like holidays, funerals, etc. It often brings up a lot of emotions and since I don't have the same experience it's really nice to hear you share yours. 🤍
Thanks, Lauren! That honestly feels really special to hear that it lent some insight to Scott <3
This hit home (see what I did there?) 🫠 I'm cringing, too.
I love the concept of "you can always go back." That's something that will stick with me—thank you for sharing.
I've had some similar themes showing up in my own life that I'm working on writing about now, in terms of going back after some time has passed.
But as for the topic of home, it's interesting because I feel more at home in places other than my hometown. I never really 'fit in' there, and each time I go back it becomes more clear that I was never meant to be there.
A few places that have felt like home are Yellowknife, Canada and my current town in Northern Thailand. I can also relate to going back to a place sober—my heart goes out to you, because it's not easy to go back as a new version of yourself, especially when nothing has changed in the place. I think those are the moments I wish things wouldn't stay the same in hopes that the things and people have grown too. But I would imagine, most times that's not the case.
Gosh, I love a pun. I really, really do.
I love that concept too. It's helped me be so much better at apologizing and not giving up on myself.
You've got me looking up Yellowknife now! Also, super heart filling to hear how much your current spot feels like home <3
I always get blank looks when I talk about Yellowknife 🤣 it is a special place in my heart, but not many people feel the same.
It’s way up there I see. I looked at pictures. Look beautiful and the northern lights 😍
Yes!!! The northern lights were a lovely bonus to living there!