a few more thoughts on "The Four Seasons" from an off-duty therapist
Part Two: Summer
This is a segment, dialoguing on dialogue, where I briskly explore a piece of media–TV, movies or music—with first thoughts. Inspired by Emma Specter’s column for Vogue where she narrates her thoughts as she watches a movie, movie trailer, or gets a first look of an upcoming movie. This is my take on that, weaving my personal reflections together with any therapeutic concepts I stumble upon along the way. I am not teasing out every single concept—I’m off the clock. This is a creative, not clinical, endeavor.
One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.
We’ve made it to Summer. You can find the newsletter on the Spring episodes here.
Let’s dive in to the vacation from hell.1
CAST
Kate played by Tina Fey
Jack played by Will Forte
Anne played by Kerri Kenney
Nick played by Steve Carell
Danny played by Colman Domingo
Claude played by Marco Calvani
Ginny played by Erika Henningsen
Episode 3: Eco Resort
So many mixed feelings at the jump of this episode as we transition to a new season. My avoidant parts are relieved I didn’t have to see whatever played out at the vow renewal after the explosion. But my curious parts wonder what Nick said to Anne. How she responded to him wanting a divorce in the very moment she throws a Hail Mary. I have to assume they knew coming back from that conversation with the tone they are trying to set would be a challenge.
The new girlfriend, Ginny, enters. This can only go a million different ways and most of them not great.
This May/December conversation between Nick and Danny is unsettling.
Kate asking if she can get her hair cut short as a bargaining chip for Jack to get rid of his bucket hat—which I happen to love—makes me ill. We’ve outgrown this trope that we have to ask permission from our partner to make changes to our bodies and/or wear what we want, right? Right?!
Kate and Danny were a couple at one point! Does this speak to the tension I felt between Claude and Kate? Or is it deeper than that?
I truly can’t imagine being friends with a boss that fired me, although I can see someone like Jack being totally fine with it, ha! Also, love Jack’s line when Nick criticized his work, “Well, I just wanted all the little businesses to do well.”
AHHHHH. Kate just called the new girlfriend “Beth.” She was so focused on not calling her the soon to be ex-wife’s name, she called Ginny her daughter’s name. Mortifying. Like, here are all the thoughts inside my head. She said the quiet part out loud moment.
Jack’s scene describing how Ginny walked in on him in the shower is a showcase of all Forte’s skills: earnest, anxious, verbose.
Kate trying to take a picture of the moon is too spot on. Every time I try to take a picture of the natural world in all it’s infinite beauty with an iPhone, the earth is like, “Nice try, bitch.”
Nick is crying by the fire. Hmmm. I wonder what this means. Also, Kate just left him there to go tell Jack? Never in my life have I seen a friend crying and ran to tell someone else about it rather than checking on them.
“Nick, what did you get me for planning our last seven trips?” Lol, but for real.
I am Claude and Danny escaping to the hotel down the beach.
Photo by Courtesy of Netflix/Courtesy of Netflix - © 2025 Netflix, Inc. I’m noticing myself feeling suspicious of Nick’s assertion that he’s never been happier. Maybe it’s because happy feels so amorphous and shallow in a situation like this. Maybe it’s because I’m keenly aware there is a woman somewhere–Anne–likely going through it (guessing some amalgamation of heartbreak, relief, resentment, and grief). He ends it with, “I was dead and now I live.” I don’t doubt it feels that way, but I’m skeptical. It feels more complex than happy or not happy.
Watching Danny and Claude together I can feel myself pulled in both directions of how they relate to one another during this health crisis. I understand Danny’s claustrophobia, nearing on suffocation. I relate to Claude’s caretaker tendencies.
Anne’s here!!
Episode 4: Beach Bar
Anne is so funny to me.
Case in point. “Did you know the word ‘fuckery?’ I didn’t. I like it as a gerund.”
Claude and Danny are damn near a text book example of the pursuer-distancer dynamic commonly explored in couples therapy. It’s just like how it sounds. One partner pursues—emotional intimacy, physical touch, sex—and the other distances. The more one pursues, the other distances. The more one distances, the more the other pursues. And so on. In my experience, while we may be more inclined to be one or the other, things can flip in certain situations.
If someone took a lobster roll from me it would not end well. Criminal.
I love when Jack and Kate are reflecting on if they’ve been nice to Ginny and Jack says basically, “I haven’t been nice to her at all. I haven’t asked her any questions about herself.” Just avoidant and anxious over here!
Gosh, I’d love a game night.
This eco resort looks awful and fun. I do appreciate Danny’s willingness to call things awful when they are.
Not to lay it on too thick, but I think Anne is fabulous.
Ooof. One of my first wincing moments with Jack’s character. When he says to Kate before they go out dancing “Nobody cares” regarding what she’s wearing. I suspect he meant no harm—some version of “Don’t worry about it, honey,”—but I feel the ouch here. The invisibility of being a woman who isn’t perfectly, traditionally hot all the time, a middle aged woman, a mom, etc. Nobody cares what you’re wearing because nobody is taking you in.
Danny and Claude’s wardrobe continues to be A++++++
The back and forth between Kate and Jack during this night out is painful and familiar. Why do we do this to each other???
I love how wrecked they look after going out even for the littlest bit. Relatable. I don’t drink anymore, but I will one hundo percent feel hungover if I stay out past 10:30 PM.
The breaking of the strawberry figurine! I love this. I’m going to a rage room soon. I can’t wait to break shit and scream.
Photo by Francisco Roman/Francisco Roman/Netflix © 2024 - © 2024 Netflix, Inc. “You know, my cousin got me strawberry pajamas once for Christmas, which I wore a ton when I was postpartum and then people started buying me strawberry things and then I started buying myself strawberry things.” This mini-monologue gave me chills. We gotta stop letting people tell us about ourselves—what we like, what we need, who we are.2 Little tears forming in the corners of my eyes as I remember the pair of pajamas I wore every single day in postpartum. My sense is she didn’t wear the strawberry pajamas every day because she just loves strawberries. She wore them every day because that’s all she could muster. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE STRAWBERRIES, I want to scream. It’s more like a fucking symptom than a genuine source of joy.
The cashier telling Anne his mom’s thing is pigs–clearly not having gathered Anne’s point–and she responds “She probably hates them.” hahahahaha, yes!!! This is a point of reflection for all of us. Ask the person in your life you who buy the same type of shit for year after year, “Do you still like this thing? Did you ever like this thing?”
Jack: Oh no, my hat!
Kate: Oh no, your identity!
God, the bleakness of a business center at a hotel.
“I’m done out loud, but it’s continuing in my head.” Steve Carrell really does a masterful job of weaving the most petulant parts of us as humans in with the most simple, heartfelt fundamentals. It’s not dissimilar to what he pulled off with Michael Scott in The Office. He rambles, “I can’t be cool.” I will say though, ever since his character in The Morning Show, I have a sharper edge of mistrust toward him. Some may say it’s unfair to carry over feelings from a different show, but guess what? I make the rules to my grudges.
“You’re giving me a look like I should apologize.” This is such an acute feeling. I can feel it on my skin when my husband thinks I should be apologizing for something and vice versa. In fact, this whole conversation in the bathroom between Kate and Jack feels spot on. Trying to repair the rupture from the night before. Do you see where I’m coming from? What contributed to us losing sight of one another? It’s tense, but also light. I love when that tenuousness can come through the screen. It’s not a guarantee that the debrief will settle anything.
Danny going to Austin for a few months. Pursuer-distancer dynamic continues. I’m finding it interesting to notice who is bothering me more in the dynamic and how a part of me feels one of them is more justified in their feelings and behaviors. Neither is “right” or “wrong” of course, but it’s very telling of my own tendencies: avoidant/distancer.
Next up, Fall.
Questions for you:
What comes up for you when you hear the concept of pursuer distancer? It’s not dissimilar to people with an anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style getting together. Do you find yourself more on one side of this dynamic or the other? Can you see what I’m saying around how it can be context dependent? Also, I should to mention this doesn’t just show up in romantic relationships.
Do you relate to how people can misread something about you, like Anne and the strawberries?
Coming up: Fall and Winter, of course :) As well as a newsletter reflecting on my two year soberversary from alcohol and my new addiction: my phone. Also, a personal essay that came pouring out of me the other day. Loosely, I’d say it’s about what people bring out in us.
Disclaiming. Therapy can be great. This ain’t therapy. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
ICYMI:
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Previous dialouging on dialogue segments:
33 thoughts while watching ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ from an off-duty therapist
33 thoughts while watching 'Nobody Wants This’ from an off-duty therapist
a monthly round-up series, say more, where I explore what I'm watching, reading, listening to, eating and moving to and what it made me feel. These newsletters are a labor of love and tend to be more personal in their own specific way—sometimes writing about things I’m grappling with in real time. They have been described as “epic.” One reader said she “devour[s] them like a giant dessert.
the entire archive of 80+ newsletters and counting. pieces like:
the awareness that you are keeping a little creative’s dream alive for another day <3
I exaggerate, but it is impressive how much they fumble a beach side vacation.
Caveat being that people telling us about how they may feel as a result of our behavior is on the table.
Really enjoyed the series and your commentary is great! I can totally relate to the characters, as I am 55 and married 27 years with grown kids. I was grateful to see that on screen with some degree of realism of how it goes in a long marriage (esp Kate and Jack). The whole generativity vs stagnation notion is going through my head. I think Ann is definitely depressed (the farm video game) and I wish someone could have intervened with her before Nick gave up on their marriage to do the cliche younger woman, flashy car thing. Maybe it would have happened anyway. I love Claude so much! And Colman Domingo is just so good.
This is so good! Just finished the series and many of these thoughts went through my mind (though way less articulate). There’s so much going on, much of it slightly uncomfortable.