saying too much
a roundup from my summer of (mostly) reading, watching, listening, moving, eating, and loving.
In therapy, clients will often recount something to me and then wait. Waiting for me to have a set reaction. But often, they haven’t said what this something meant to them, how they experienced it, what they felt. Which leaves me responding, “Say more…”
This is the fourth edition of say more. A series where I explore what I consumed—TV, books, movies, food, movement, maybe the rogue purchase—and what it made me feel.
One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you. CW: Suicide. If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline by texting or calling 988
As you’ll soon see this is a book heavy round up. That is what I’m feeling drawn to and regulated by. I inevitably go in cycles with this. Oscillating between my first two loves: books and television. Even though I have a new season of Tell Me Lies waiting for me, I’m grabbing a book over a remote nearly every time. Knowing the crinkle of a library book is waiting for me is hard to compete with right now.
reading…
The Women by Kristin Hannah
One weekend night in late summer, I could feel my insides reaching their max capacity in output for the day and yet I had hours of parenting ahead of me. I let my husband in on this fading quickly quality I was noticing. I suspected reading on the hammock in our backyard for a bit could be everything I needed.
I grabbed The Women from under my bed, where many of my unread books gather dust. A story about a nurse in the Vietnam War. I don’t know what kind of internal bias I have against this author, but it’s there. Each time I see the title or synopsis of one of her books, I think “Not for me.” And yet, every book I’ve read by Hannah has absolutely enveloped me (see The Four Winds).
One moment I was settling in and the next I looked down to see I’d cleared 100 pages. I panicked a little, wondering where in the hell my family was. To have had that amount of time to read uninterrupted felt only suspicious.
I ran inside to do a quick proof of life check. To my delight and relief, everything was fine. They had consciously left me to my reading oasis. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I sprinted back outside to the hammock.
I read outside until it was too dark to see the pages and the mosquitos were mosquitoing.
I came back inside and finished the entire book—all 480 pages in one evening.
You know that question, “What is your idea of a perfect day?” Mine always has some variant of finishing an entire book in a hammock.
The Paradise Problem by Christina Lauren
Competing with The Women as my personal favorite read of the summer was The Paradise Problem.1 A romance novel with a really compelling premise. Anna and Liam, strangers to one another get married on paper-only for a very unsexy reason and part ways. Years later, they have to reunite and keep this charade alive, despite not really knowing each other, over a weekend wedding in paradise.
It was perfect in my eyes.2 Make this a movie already.
I started and finished this one on a trip with some of the women in my family and I immediately lent it to my sister. Hearing her laugh across the living room made me sick with jealousy that she got to read it for the first time. Like with any solid romance, there was incredible sexual tension (and release) between the two leads. At one point while trying to herd the metaphorical cats for our next outing, I couldn’t put it down. I apologized to my family, acknowledged the steaminess of the book had sucked me in.
I won’t get into details, but there was some pearl clutching at my admission of being enraptured by this book. This made two things crystal clear to me: (1) I’ve come a long way from my conditioning—growing up Christian and the historical messaging for women that sex and desire are synonymous with shame—and (2) How important it is for these books to exist.
It can be so easy to dismiss romance novels. Sometimes I even judge myself for liking them, but the truth is they normalize pleasure, desire, joy and play in a way that other mediums just don’t nail in the same way. Probably because, unlike TV and film, you’re often, almost always, inside your protagonist’s experience, not just witnessing it. They also often have men who actually seen to like women.
and from just had an interview around this issue. Particularly how valuable it is to be exposed to these novels at the middleish phase of life where we can get so busy we forget about our entire selves—which, for some of us, includes desire, arousal, and pleasure.Upgrade by Blake Crouch
After having been on my bookshelf for over a year, I dove into this one over the summer. I’m not typically a sci-fi girlie, but this one pulled me in immediately. Set in the future, the ramifications of genetic “enhancements” to solve the world’s problems are explored. It’s bleak, sometimes scary, and questions how integral emotions are to being a human. Despite this, I finished it with tears in my eyes and gratitude that I’ve gotten to experience this life exactly the way I have (subtext: very sensitively and humanly).
Funny Story by Emily Henry
After reading
’s exploration on why so many of us love Emily Henry’s books earlier this year, I knew she was right about all said reasons and that I needed to get a copy of Funny Story.It wasn’t my favorite of hers. That’s more an issue with liking them all quite a bit. I’m still anchored on my introduction to Em Hen: Beach Read. It was the first novel I read after my postpartum haze during the early months of COVID. It brought me back to my reading practice and back to parts of myself that had taken a backseat since becoming a mother.
With Funny Story, I liked the love story between the two leads, but my favorite relationship in this one was actually between the lead female character, Daphne, and her close friend, Ashleigh. I appreciated how accurately it reflected the ways, that seem to be specific to friendships, we can miss each other. Ashleigh also added a lot of beautiful wisdom, like this one about birthdays and when she said, “life’s short enough without us talking ourselves out of hope and trying to dodge every bad feeling.”
As a therapist I know it’s a fool’s errand to try to dodge bad feelings, but the talking ourselves out of hope part felt like someone saw inside my internal narrative in a way that was uncomfortable and necessary.
Wedding People by Alison Espach
I also read this current internet darling. Our protagonist, Phoebe, arrives to a hotel to discover she’s the only person there not a part of the wedding taking place there this weekend. Not a total deal-breaker for Phoebe as she had planned to kill herself the night she arrived. Through each little moment of choice—do I seek connection or isolate?—Phoebe finds her way back to herself.
Some people are annoyed this book is everywhere. Which I get. We all have exposure fatigue from time to time. At the same time, a book that is everywhere and talks about one way active suicidal ideation and grief can look, that’s a net positive from where I sit.
I felt particularly moved by all the moments when people turned toward one another when they could have otherwise not. Even the acknowledgements struck on this theme and made me cry. As an introvert who is just starting to come to terms with her own loneliness, this was an important read.
You Could Make This Place Beautiful by
I like to keep a memoir in my reading rotation. I’d seen this one on several lists this summer. When I saw it sitting on a small easel at the library staring at me, I took this as my sign and picked it up. Any synopsis you read about this one will likely be, in my opinion, a massive oversimplification of what it actually is. On the surface it’s about a marriage coming to an end, but it’s not really about that. Not to me, anyway.
I already wrote about this one a few weeks ago and what it meant to me but it had to be included here, too. I tore through it. Waking up at 5 AM kind of reading.
Queued up: Currently reading Carrie Soto is Back and listening to Men Have Called Her Crazy as an audiobook. I’m only a quarter way through of the latter, but one line really stood out to me. While recounting a woman’s story around her experience in sobriety, it is said, “Her life got better, but not easier.” I’ve said versions of this before but never could find those exact words. But that’s it. It encapsulates my experience of sobriety so perfectly. Better in all these little ways that could be imperceptible unless you’re inside them, but not easier…never easier.
watching…
The Bear on Hulu
There has been a lot said about this third season that I won’t retread here. What I will say is I love being in that world. With all its frenetic energy. I love how imperfect and just a little fucked up it all is. The Chicago of it all. Ayo Edebiri continues to be superb in everything she touches, including this Emmy’s look from last weekend.
This season, Abby Elliot’s performance as Natalie (Carmy’s sister) was one of my favorite parts. In particular, the episode “Ice Chips” where, as a last resort, she labors with her mother (played by Jamie Lee Curtis), who she has a very complicated relationship with, at her bedside.
I was on edge the entire episode. The tension, then release of contracting during labor and how this is a microcosm of what can happen in a mother-daughter relationship. Rupture and repair. Missing each other over and over (and over again) and then brief moments where we find one another.
Industry on HBO Max
This show about stock brokers—or is it investment bankers (???)—seems to be making a third season breakthrough. Or maybe that is the circles I run in. I’d never heard of this show until a few weeks ago and now everyone seems to be talking about it.
I don’t understand finance—I’m working on it—and this show is not engendering any further curiosity in me. That being said, I do really love the lead actress, Myha'la. I’ve had a hard time naming what it is about her performance that is so alluring. It may be just that it doesn’t feel like a performance. It feels like an embodiment.
It has become apparent to me that I’m entering into middle age–happily, I may add–when all the intimacy-devoid banging and drugs and hustle just leads me to sigh and say, “They need to drink more water and get more sleep.” But I’m still watching.
Queued up: I have the distinct feeling with fall and winter approaching I may do a re-watch of a cozy and familiar show. One in particular that has a podcast to go along with it (e.g., Gilmore Girls, Felicity or Scandal). Also, I had some readers recommend Couples Therapy to me which I still intend to get to, but have to sign up for a new streaming service to do so which has slowed me down on this mission.
listening…
Suki Waterhouse’s new album, Memoir of a Sparklemuffin, dropped last week and it’s really fucking good. She’s coming to Denver this week and I wasn’t sure if I’d go, but after hearing this album I clicked purchase on those tickets so fast. As I mentioned in my last roundup, I am late to the Suki train. I hate what I’m about to say, but I think it’s helpful to be honest about our blind spots/biases. One of mine is beautiful people, especially model-esque beauty. I saw her making the rounds and didn’t really give it a openhearted listen and what a mistake that was. I stand very corrected. Maybe I’ll finally learn my lesson.
Favorite songs: “My Fun,” “Moves3,” “To Get You,” “Think Twice” and I think my favorite right now is “Big Love.”
Check it out if you’re a Lana Del Rey or Mazzy Star fan.
One little country ditty.
A certain type of country music will always make me think about where I grew up. In an instant it transports me roughly 922 miles. This is one of those—not necessarily the lyrics, but the essence of it.
In my life now, I don’t know many people who grew up like I did—in a town of four thousand surrounded by either farms or forest. There is a lot I don’t want to go back to because it’s wasn’t of me and I wasn’t of it, and yet there were things about that way of life I didn’t realize were damn near spiritual until I didn’t have access to it anymore. I wish I could describe the slowness and spaciousness in a way that did it justice but I’m not sure I can. This song sure as hell tries.
“Summer’s Over” by Jordana & TV Girl
Despite it’s title, this song should be on any summer playlist. It’s such a vibe. Even though I typically don’t love a pool, I hear this song and all of a sudden I’m at one and I’m not mad about it.
eating…
Sweets
I never had a sweet tooth until I was pregnant with my son. It’s possible I never allowed myself to have one until then (thanks, social conditioning!). We are quite loyal to the NYT Cooking app due to their weeknight dishes selections (typically 45 minutes and under). I saw a recipe for an Atlantic Beach Pie that looked awfully like a Key Lime Pie—a crowd favorite in our home. My husband loves key lime pie. I don’t know why, but I find this very endearing. It’s an Atlantic Beach Pie and not a Key Lime Pie because the crust is made with soda crackers making it salty like the ocean.
For the most part I made it to the recipe’s specifications.4 I took their suggestion to use my hands to make the dough—I find that brings a grounding element—and added butter until it felt like the right consistency to hold together in the pan.
I know we are probably just outside the Key Lime Pie season here on the northern hemisphere but that’s how stupid good this recipe is. I don’t care if you’re getting out your ghosts and goblins, you should still make this pie.
Savory
As I am not the resident cook in our home, I cannot and will not take credit for the creation of these dishes. I can, however, attest to their deliciousness and that they take less 30 minutes or less to make. First up, a Spicy Turkey Stir-Fry with Crisp Garlic and Ginger. The flavor profile on this is crisp, fresh, and makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Then, something that by name and ingredients alone would not appeal to me, Pasta With Spicy Sausage, Broccoli Rabe and Chickpeas. It made me angry how good this was.
moving…
This summer was a slow down in my usual movement practices. Between travel, illness and exhaustion, I patched things together the best I could in 20 minute intervals here and there. If I’m frank, my mental and physical wellbeing took a bit of a hit, but these ones reminded me that something is always better than nothing.
Morning flow (20ish mins)
This practice from Yoga with Adrienne is pretty full body, some parts pretty sturdy and hard. All in all, a robust way to start your day and brush off the cobwebs.
Contained and grounded (less than 25 mins)
Also from Yoga with Adrienne. This one is very close to the mat–no downward dogs. Very core, trunk, and upper leg focused. I had a bit of physiological anxiety in my chest the morning I did this and it really helped me not run from that.
Core (10 mins)
This quick little burner from Peloton is really solid in movement and music. For me, core is a part of my body—and a part of my soul. When I’m feeling adrift and discombobulated mentally and physically, I go straight to my core.
loving…
Niche gifts.
-Wirecutter did a roundup of gifts for book lovers that made me smile.
-These little earrings made by the barista at my favorite coffee shop.
Weddings.
I go back and forth about weddings being a total crock and loving them. After going to one last week, the portal to my heart has reopened momentarily and this wedding I saw last week is divine.
Doing what I can.
The only way I know to battle powerlessness is to do something, no matter how small. I had a pizza and postcard date with some new girlfriends where we wrote as many postcards as we could to voters in swing states.
Simple style.
I’m not quite needing the Steve Jobs level of simplicity yet, but I’m flirting with that line. Spending more than 60 seconds picking out an outfit makes me irritable.
—I asked
awhile back if she had any ideas for a classic white tee and she delivered in the form of this one from COS. I held off buying it for months but left it as one of the 100+ tabs I have open on Safari at any one time. I finally bought it this summer and it’s perfect. I thought I wanted one with more of a starchy feel (which I’m still open to if you have any suggestions) but honestly this one is better than I could have imagined.I’d love to be someone who can own white clothing and not have it be a thing, but I’m a clumsy gal and I live with a preschooler—the cards are kind of stacked against me. With this new tee if there are any stains, I have been treating it before each wash. In a weird way, it’s helping me live in the space between taking care of something I wanted and surrendering to the fact that this thing won’t last forever, no matter how well I take care of it. IT’S A METAPHOR.
—This blue striped linen-blend dress from Old Navy has made my life so much easier this summer (it appears to be currently on sale). I throw it on and out the door. Bonus: I can style it with nearly any type of shoe—converse, black loafers, birks.
—I’ve been shopping my closet to find the least fussy options possible that are also versatile. Like some vintage Calvin Klein mom shorts I thrifted a few years ago. They go with literally any top.
Every time my husband tries to explain offsides in soccer to me | Lupita is everything to me. | this is so accurate in playing with a toddler | perimeno-pause | sometimes I just watch videos of Serena | cleaning hack | oh, backorder | everything about this, yes. |right | JLD all day | legend | this is demented and I love it | it's either this level of commitment or count me out.
It was the anniversary of our “street legal” wedding last week and today marks 7 years since, to be real, the sweatiest, happiest, most-expensive day 😂 Here are some highlights caught on film, like me forgetting the bouquet and only being able to laugh at full blast <3 the realest highlight is how beautiful Camp Wandawega is 🏕️
Questions for you:
Anyone delved into the TV show re-watch podcast genre? I’m thinking I should do a show I’ve already watched…thoughts?
Any other perfect white tee contenders?
What are we watching? What are we excited for this fall? I’m personally excited for Shrinking season two premiering in October and curious what season two of Tell Me Lies ends up being like.
I already have too many books on my TBR list, but throw me your favorites from the summer anyway.
Coming up: Next week, a newsletter for paid subscribers about “motherhood from the bench.” Also, for our podcast stans we are coming back very soon.
Disclaiming.You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an educational and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
A Giveaway! Motherhood Minute has been generous enough to offer a giveaway for a select few for the Mental Health and Motherhood Virtual Conference on October 11th. The first two who DM me will be given a code for free admission! I will be speaking there about self-compassion and mothering our inner children with an IFS lens.
Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
A year ago on dialoguing:
Christina Lauren is the combined pen name of longtime writing partners and best friends Christina Hobbs and Lauren Billings. Same author duo who wrote In a Holidaze which I equally loved. If you love a holiday themed book like I do, I’d give this one a shot. I actually re-read it which is saying something.
My only gripe, which is a common gripe I have in romance, is the term for penis selected by the author, in this case authors—so interested in what it’d be like to write a book with someone else, let alone your best friend. Depending on the term used it can really take me out of the experience.
Not on this particular album but one of my overall faves of hers.
Although if you ever want a good laugh and some solid tips for modification, the comment section on that app is the place to be.
Thumbnail photo credit: Vogue Wedding photo (top right) Norman & Blake || Spicy Turkey Stir-Fry with Crisp Garlic and Ginger photo (bottom right) Con Poulos for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
I love Everlane and Babaton t-shirts! They’re my go-to
I love a good roundup post — thank you for sharing all of the good stuff in your world!
I am also late to the Suki train — as in, I've heard one song of hers, I think, but your recommendation is encouraging me to go listen to more. I really enjoyed this interview she did over the summer: https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/suki-waterhouse-british-vogue-interview!