Welcome to this tiny corner of the internet where an off-duty psychotherapist keeps the conversation going on how to make sense of this life thing we’re all doing. If you ever wondered what your therapist does off the clock—which, who among us hasn’t?—this is like that. Think of it as the adult equivalent of seeing your elementary school teacher at the grocery store picking out lemons. 🍋 I typically oscillate between long-form psychoeducation pieces and narrative essays—sometimes I smush them together. I also do a biweekly podcast with my husband, roundups and most recently started a segment of brisk thoughts on music, TV, and film.
This is part two in a series I’ll be doing periodically around the emotional landscape often a part of travel. I’m calling it psychotheratrips. I talk more about its origin story here, but basically it will be addressing how we bring ourselves wherever we go. If you didn’t catch part one “Can We Really Never Go Home?” you can read that here. The TL;DR is yes, you can, if you’re willing to stay present to what is right in front of you and within you. Today, we will explore ways to actually execute staying present with ourselves and the context.
I have this vivid memory of returning home as a kid. Well I guess it’s less a single memory and more a string of memories. Feeling the bump, bump, bump of us clearing the lip of the curb. Signaling we’ve transitioned from the street to our driveway. My dad reaches up to click the garage door opener and without fail, every single time he’d say, “home again, home again, piggity jig.”
I never thought to ask what that meant or where it came from. It was just a thing my dad said. There are lots of those. Paulisms.
I was a bit horrified later in life to discover, while watching Blade Runner, not only was this a nursery rhyme other people knew, the saying is actually home again, home again, jiggity jig.
To this day, I don’t know if my dad got this from the nursery rhyme or from Blade Runner. With him, either is equally plausible.
One thing I kept wanting to say last week but couldn’t find a good place to slot it in was how much I’ve always loved going home. Going back to a place that once was home, or even places that simply felt like home—a friend’s kitchen or front porch.
As long as there has been a place to go back to in my life, I’ve known this feeling. You may be thinking this is just garden variety nostalgia. Maybe it is, maybe it’s not. Who knows? All I know is that I’ve always craved the warm embrace of familiarity.
We moved when I was ten from one smaller-ish midwestern town to another. I remember daydreaming of going back there almost immediately. I was curious if it was still how I remembered it? Did I make it all up?
Last week, in the comments section and on the pod a conversation broke out around how home is so much more than a place, its a feelinggggggg. Y’all after my heart. Y’all flirting with me now. You’re right. It so is. Gosh, I love when I’m not the one who has to say these things.
As I continued to widen how I held the concept of home in my mind, it got me thinking about something from our wedding ceremony back in 2017. Our officiant, my dear cousin David, sweetly made a binder of everything he did during the ceremony so I have verbatim what was said. He wrote,
“Interestingly enough, as I was corresponding with them over these past many months, they each independently described the other as home.”
So, while it’s emotionally true that home is a feeling within us, I also hoped last week after writing part one, that there is a more gentle way to be with ourselves when we inevitably return to places that once felt like home. The fun thing about what follows is that I personally think you could apply these reflections to situations beyond traveling home. A multi-faceted bop.
What even are my feelings about going home?
This may not be a surprising first question coming from a therapist. I like to deliver on cliches. But the truth is that this is where I’d start. Just getting a lay of the land of what I do feel.
Anxiety?
Dread?
Fear?
Hope?
Anger?
Excitement?
Sadness?
Feeling blank, fuzzy or numb? Still a sensation of sorts.
These can be recorded in a myriad of ways—to yourself verbally, in a journal, with a friend, in therapy. My new preferred method for doing this is getting a bunch of colored pencils and markers, a blank piece of paper and going to town. Each feeling gets its own color. Bonus points for also locating where I feel them in and around my body.
As demonstrated below in Exhibit A, this does not have to be sophisticated or artistic:
Locate Resistance
And then roll with it.
Rolling with resistance, which works a lot like it sounds, is a technique from a counseling approach called Motivational Interviewing (MI). Being in this field can sometimes feel like I have the cheat codes for a video game. This is one of the better ones and I’m happy and willing to share.
I was trained in MI in graduate school for a community service practicum.1 The gist is through certain skills, like active and reflective listening, developing discrepancy and rolling with resistance, it is possible to extract one’s own internal reservoir of motivation.
When we see someone struggling, including when that person is our self, we have a tendency to want to jump right in and fix, or as in MI they call it, “the righting reflex.” Not only does this jumping in often feel invalidating, it also eliminates the possibility of the person discovering their own motivations, their own drive.
The idea with rolling with resistance is we ultimately know, deep down, what is best for us AND we are capable of actions that are in our best interest (WHAT?! SAYS WHO?) if we could just hear ourselves out. This also applies to others, as well.
You feel sad about going home? OK.
You feel angry about someone you’ll see? OK.
You’re anxious about what someone may say about you? OK.
**No arguing. No bright-siding. No persuading to feel differently than you do.**
The metaphor I like to add on here is about contrasting what it feels like to plant your feet when a wave is coming (SMACK) with when you feel the wave coming, you pick up your feet (FLOAT BABY, FLOAT). Think of how different those experiences are from one another energetically. The exact same thing coming at you being metabolized completely different based on how you respond to it.
Another way to put this, if you’re feeling spicy, “Be the adult in the room. What are you doing arguing with feelings?”
Name Your Intentions
I don’t mind if you roll your eyes at me here—just like you do at your yoga and Pilates instructor. I get it. I feel you. Just consider it, OK?
Be mindful of shoulds (e.g., I really should go do/see “X”), identify needs and assess energy reserves/internal resources.
One common stressor I see in clients and experience myself when going home is the scarcity of trying to fit everything and everyone in. Most people don’t have unlimited time and bandwidth on a vacation. Some parameters AND priorities need to be set.
My husband and I do this before every trip, typically on the drive to the airport. We jokingly refer to it as our goal sets. We name a few things we are keeping in mind:
Things we absolutely WANT to do (think fun, attraction type stuff)
Things we HAVE to do (for us this is typically some type of movement, rest, and alone time)
Things we are worried about (e.g., dynamics between us or others, scarcity of time)
I often have to accept I can’t will things into existence—manifestors, please don’t come for me—but I can commit to thoughtfully considering these few things.
Gathering Your Ingredients
In the comments last week we all kind of agreed that home is a feeling, not a place. So if that’s the case, what are the particular ingredients that make up your home concoction?
For me, it’s space to feel like I can be. Shoes off, feet tucked up underneath me, elbows on the counter, swearing and intimacy allowed encouraged, as long as it’s what’s true. I can share what I wonder about, eat what my body craves, sing, dance, laugh and show my inner sanctum of sincere goofiness.
Surrender
The last, and never the least, step in any process drops us off at surrender. After doing all this reflection, all that is left is to surrender to what already is.
48 hours in, mostly northwest, Chicago
This series all began with a trip back to one of my homes, Chicago.
There was a lot of Chicago I didn’t get to immerse myself in the way I did the northwest area. I primarily spent time near where I lived—a few years a piece in Wrigleyville, Wicker Park, Ukrainian Village and Logan Square. There is so much more to Chicago than these places. This is only my very small take on a huge, vibrant, layered, complex place.
I often get asked for my favorite spots I’ve been to. So, here is me putting them all down in one spot in the form of a choose your own 48-hour adventure in northwest Chicago.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7db69a14-6bd4-4540-ab53-9238cc9c50c0_1366x768.png)
Transport
In terms of flying in, while O’Hare is iconic (think the McCallister’s sprinting down the terminal in Home Alone), it’s also iconically bad in our experience. It’s kind of a mess, TBH. We much prefer flying into Midway and taking the Orange Line north, but some of that is probably because we fly Southwest.
I find Chicago to be an incredibly easy city to get around with public transit. I love the fact that it saves me money and I honestly enjoy the experience of it, as well. Other than the moments when it’s sketchy or too crowded, I kind of have kid-like joy about it all.
Where to stay
If you got cash to burn, The Robey in Wicker Park has my vote. The rooms themselves won’t thrill you, but the location and the several spots for food and a hang within the hotel itself, including a solid rooftop situation with views and a dipping pool, will.
A slightly cheaper option I’ve done is this Airbnb in Fulton Market District. Also a great spot for accessibility to lots of restaurants and the Green Line, but most of my personal faves won’t be in this area. Wicker Park and Logan Square have various Airbnbs, Vrbos and SRO hotels.
Friday Night
My absolute go-to for dinner on a weekend to Chicago would be Giant in Logan Square. The food is so solid—they described it as Midwestern fare—the energy of the place is great and it can only seat 45 people so it’s also got a silly name. The tagliatelle, with dungeness crab and chili butter, is a must have for me.
If you’re wanting sushi, Kai Zan in West Town all the way—their omakase, while it is a lot of food, is amazing; don’t sleep on the pearls. Pizza: My favorite is the White Pizza at Coalfire in West Town. Italian: Osteria Langhe in Logan Square. If you go there and don’t get the plin—house pinched la tur cheese ravioli, thyme, butter—honestly, just don’t ever talk to me again. It’s the simplest and best dish. Daisies is also super solid. Less traditional Italian vibe, but always great. Burger: Small Cheval hands down, no contest for me. Mediterranean: Avec in River North is a favorite of a good friend of mine. I think I only ever went there with her, but every time it was perfect. Mexican: Mi Tocaya Antojería in Logan Sqaure. This spot opened not long before we moved, but I remember being floored by the food.
Then I’d finish the night at The Lincoln Lodge for some comedy. Back when we lived there, she says as annoyingly as ever, this show was temporarily hosted in the lower level of Subterranean, a music venue in Wicker Park. It has it’s own spot now, about a mile from Giant if one felt like walking.
If you’re a night owl and feeling hungry, one of my favorite late night snacks is a grilled cheese from Estelle’s in Wicker Park. This is a must-do if you’re staying at The Robey because it’s literally across the street.
Saturday
I’d wake up and take a walk to locate the nearest coffee. Then try to find a pastry or donut, or maybe a bagel from Brobagel (sriracha cream cheese on salt bagel for me, plz).
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F237a78de-0080-43d2-8d59-1af4c3ffa92e_3024x4032.jpeg)
I personally need a lot of downtime during the day to keep my stamina up, so I’d probably grab a book and find a spot to relax for a bit, maybe leisurely walk through some shops.
For lunch, I’d hit up Lonesome Rose in Logan Square for some Tex-Mex—I always order the #4 breakfast taco and the Truck Stop Nachos. The last time I went there I was thrilled to notice they have a great NA menu for me and my sober friends.2
For a little post-lunch walk, you could pick up the 606, an elevated railway converted into a recreational trail.
Then, this is where I’d personally need to take a nap.
(Pause for nap)
After nap, stop at Sportsman's Club3 in Ukranian Village before a dinner at one of the aforementioned spots. This is where Jon and I had our first date and took our engagement photos.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F3a8ae008-b3ef-466d-8684-ff816dd1fdef_5760x3840.jpeg)
Then, after dinner, it’s gotta be a show.
While Chicago hosts some well-known music festivals, like Lollapalooza and Pitchfork, it also has some wonderful venues for one-offs. When I think of my best memories in Chicago, many are of seeing live music. Rhye at Thalia Hall in Pilsen. BADBADNOTGOOD at the aforementioned Subterranean in Wicker Park. Ed Sheeran opening for Snow Patrol (what?!) at The Aragon in Uptown. Modern English at The Empty Bottle in Ukranian Village. Broken Bells at The Vic. St. Vincent at the The Chicago Theatre downtown. A little outside Chicago city limits is Ravinia, which my writing buddy,
, just reminded me of last week. I only went there once to see Andrew Bird the summer before we moved. We had a big group and all the picnic fixings. It was almost bittersweet because the whole drive home, I was kicking myself for not having gone more often while we lived so close.If you’d rather go dancing or find vibey places to lounge, Slippery Slope in Logan Square or Beauty Bar in Noble Square were all the rage for dancing when we lived there, and The Owl, The Whistler, and Estereo, all in Logan Square, are good after-dinner hangs; the latter two have nice indoor/outdoor feels.
Sunday morn
Bang Bang Pie in Logan Square for breakfast. I’m partial to whatever their farmer’s biscuit offering is at the time, but they also have grits, quiches and, as the name would suggest, lotsa pie 🤤. If biscuits and pie aren’t your thing—I don’t really understand, but to each their own—as I mentioned last week, Lula Cafe, also in Logan Square, is quite good and has the best muffin I’ve ever had.
So that’s it. Like I said, there is so much more than these measly suggestions in truly only a corner of the whole city, but it’s what I have to offer.
Questions for you:
What sort of mental travel prep do you do?
What are your ingredients for home?
Let me hear your Chicago favorites?
A little housekeeping: So grateful to all the new subscribers lately, including a few paid. I can’t tell you what it means to me when I see that come through. Well I can, I immediately think it must be some sort of mistake—impostor syndrome being real and all—and then, I settle into the possibility I’m providing something of value here. Thank you, sincerely, for being a part of that.
You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. dialoguing is an educational and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.
Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!
|*|*|*| Catch this one before it goes behind a paywall:
|*|*|*| If you liked this one, you may also like:
To this day, this practicum was probably one of the most profound experiences I’ve had in my role as a clinician. Myself and a few other students would go to a local highschool in Chicago and offer students who were assigned in-school suspension an option–they could either stay in in-school suspension which looked miserable –or–they could come with us to the auditorium where we would do adventure challenge education strategies (e.g, problem solving as a group with reflection after about what went well and what didn’t) and short MI sessions one-on-one with each of the students.
The hope was this alternate programming would help the students feel heard, seen, celebrated enough that they could access their own internal sense of self and motivation.
I actually found a write up about the exact program we did here written by my instructor, Richard Rutschman. I am teary just thinking of him and how passionate he was about giving these beautiful kids a shot to say what they really wanted and the trust he had that they knew deep down what was best for them. The program was found to have an impact on increasing graduation rates.
I know everyone has different comfort levels in their sobriety being at a bar, especially with very few NA options. One thing I definitely noticed about Chicago is that it’s a bit behind the curve in terms of NA options at places. I’m usually satisfied with a tonic water with lime, but if that’s a deterrent for you, I’d check websites and how you’re feeling first. Also, Bendición Bottle Shop in Humboldt Park is a great place to check out, as is this Eater Chicago list of restaurants and bars with good NA options.
Pro-tip: If you’re here, or in this area, in the evening, you may come across The Tamale Guy, Claudio Velez. If you’re unfamiliar, he is a Chicago institution for late night sustenance with his red cooler full of tamales.
My mental travel prep is usually making sure I know I have somewhere to "take five" if I need to. We have done most of our travel with extended family, so having a private space to escape every now and again is priority. I like your three category approach (want to do, need to do, stressed about), I feel like I naturally kind of do this as well.
Home is where I feel safe and free to be me - it's also the place with all my favourite snacks!
I haven't been to Chicago before, but I would love to visit sometime. Love all the recs! 🍩
This makes me want to visit Chicago, mostly for the sriracha cream cheese bagel. 🤣 My travel usually revolves around food.
My mental travel prep depends on where I'm headed. If it's a place I'm going "home" to, or visiting again it feels a lot less stressful. I usually stay at the same hotels, eat at similar places, or at least try to find that sense of familiarity in those more mundane ways to open up the mental space for seeing new things and things I need to do.
If it's a new destination, I try to at least get the hotels sorted and check the weather to plan my packing out. Transport to get to the first place and everything else can wait! It always brings a bit of anxiety because I'm a bit of a chaotic traveller in the sense of not planning the itinerary to a T, but it leaves space for fun adventures and forcing myself out of my comfort zone.