summer school: parallel playing in joy and dread

say more--now coming to you **most** weeks!!

In therapy, clients will often recount something to me and then wait. Waiting for me to have a set reaction. But often, they haven’t said what this something meant to them, how they experienced it, what they felt. Which leaves me responding, “Say more…”

This is a series where I explore what I engaged with—TV, books, movies, food, movement, people, lessons, clothes—and what they made me feel.

I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you. There are affiliate links on this page.

Up until this point, say more has been a monthly endeavor, however I’ve been feeling the pull to change that up a bit. The once a month format began to feel bloated–I have a lot to say apparently–and restrictive. After consulting with my paid subscribers, I’ve decided to test out a more frequent publishing schedule with shorter pieces for a bit (~2-3x/month) and see how it feels for all of us. I’m leaving this one free for all, but most will be behind a paywall.

This issue we get into:

• ☀️ What is Summer for grown-ups? (including writing and reflection prompts)

• 🥵 Off Campus

• 🧚 The simple household item I’m gonna get to increase the dreamy factor over here

the new office 😍

obligatory Ernie pic

baby’s first exposure to karaoke and he was OBSESSED

• May’s round-up— Famesick, dressing for the moment, the new doc on Noah Kahan, a food prep situation revolving around 🍅 and a packing hack.

• “I’m a threenager!!”—reflections on three years of sobriety and going to my first meeting (for me)

• “Let’s Talk Therapy” with Kelly Johnson

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summer school is in session

I have been approaching this first traditional summer break for our 6.5 year old almost exclusively with dread. I’m overwhelmed thinking about:

• every week being different from the one before

• how to patch together with my husband the new gaps in childcare coverage (most camps he’s in start around 9a and we need to leave to pick him around 3:30p)

• how he will like the camps

• how he will do at ones where he doesn’t have a buddy

• all the money just flying out of our pockets

• and much, much more.

As Lana would say, “I got that summertime, summertime sadness.”

This became glaringly obvious to me when texting with my LDF, Morgan. She said something about the bittersweetness of summer and I thought in my head, “What is sweet about it?” She followed it up by saying, “[I] love knowing how it feels to be a kid enjoying summer.”

Damnnnnnnnnnn.

I don’t know how you feel reading that but it hit me like a lightning bolt

⚡ZzzzzzZZZap⚡

I heard a bunch expletives in my head and then acquiescence.

I want that for my kid.

I want that for me, too.

I want that for all of us.

Nedra Glover Tawwab wrote about this in her newsletter recently “Adult Summer Camp: Why play, structure, and small adventures matter for grown-ups too.”

I know this isn’t true for everyone, but I LOVED camp as a kid. Couldn’t get enough. To the point where I later got married at a summer camp.

Rotarski Photography

In that piece, Nedra says the thing I think I’ve been searching for,

“We need things to look forward to outside of productivity. Outside of emotional survival. Outside of healing work.”

Right.

Joseph and I are following…

I remember when I wrote about the holiday classic The Family Stone a few years ago, there was an idea I shared that folks really responded to. I talked about how through being a therapist I’ve learned that sometimes the way you feel with a person can be reflective not only of something happening in you, but also of what the person across from you is feeling inside.

A sort of parallel process.

It could be mirror neurons, it could be magic—maybe a bit of both—but there are times where I’ll notice something blooming inside me in a session and say, “This could just be me, but I’m feeling ‘X’” and the person I’m meeting with will lean forward and say, almost shout, “YES! That’s it!”

Before Morgan had blown my mind open about what this summer could be, for all of us, I had been wondering if my dread and difficulty with this transition is not just my own. I sense my son is excited to be out of school, but also feeling his own version of “What the fuck is going on? Why is everything changing? I don’t know how to do this yet.” So far, there has been more dysregulation, more friction at nearly every turn.

We are parallel playing in our overwhelm. This is understandable and valid—there are plates underneath us shifting that requires some tenderness, support, and patience in order to adjust.

I’m not arguing that doesn’t exist. It does.

What I am considering is if I can also join him in the spaciousness of summer? The joy? The off-ness? The play? The wonder?

I am an adult, after all.

There is duality there, of course: I have more responsibilities than a kid, sure, but I also have more choice than I let myself tap into.

I’m discovering as I prep for our summer workshop + book club series how much of that is by design. One of the most threatening things to the patriarchy is a woman who knows just how powerful and free she can be.

I’ve decided—and I get to do that—I’m going to have a summer and I want you to join me.

For me, this looks like stargazing whenever I can. Slow mornings reading on our porch or in the sun. Sorry, not sorry less phone. Popsicles and ice cream. Watermelon dripping down my chin. Corn on the cob!! Days with nothing planned. Long-luxurious out door hangs with friends. String lights! Candles! Mid-day naps with the windows open.

Prompt: What was summer to you as a kid? As a concept? Your favorite memory? What was it like—emotionally? physically? visually? How can you draw upon that now to bring some space, joy, play, awe, slowness into your life?

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What I read…

🗞️🗞️🗞️🗞️🗞️

• Garrett Bucks “I have been picturing all of you as middle schoolers”

  • Sometimes I’ll have clients bring in a picture of themselves from when they were younger, perhaps from a time close to a memory we’ve been revisiting—noticing how the cells inside us can shift, more tenderness and love flows, compassion fills our chest for that little person. Look at them 🥹.

    He writes,

    “I think of us, living in the past and present tense at once. Walking into frightening new spaces, hoping that we’ll be spared social devastation. Potentially being the worst to each other, but potentially being the best. Ping ponging from hilarious to sensitive to insightful to annoying in a single sentence. Declaring to the world that we’ve figured it out, that we aren’t mostly nervous and scared and in need of reassurance, but having our tentative smiles and wide eyes give us away.”

    ((I wrote about this once, too, “Every Day is the First Day of Kindergarten”))

• Savala Nolan’s “Some Things I Wish People Knew About Fatness”

• Kristen Bear’s “Aging Through The Lens of My Sobriety”

  • Favorite line:

    “Sobriety has revealed itself to be the real gateway drug. Once a woman spends a little time raw-dogging reality and learns to sit in silence with herself she becomes less reliant on the world to tell her what to do with her time, her money, her face.”

• Normally I would have swiped left on this story because, like many of you I’m sure, I’m AI-ed out. For some reason I read through and found this piece to be grounding and encouraging. “The independent writer’s advantage in the age of AI” by Jasmine Sun for On Substack

• Let’s Talk Therapy alum Stanley Fritz’s “Cherrell Ghosted me and It Saved My Life”

📚

in process with…

A book that showed up in our little free library last week: Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn. It’s been a minute since I read a mystery or thriller. I’m feeling the pages practically turn themselves.

|| You can find my Bookshop.com storefront here with all the books I’ve mentioned in dialoguing over the years. ||

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What I watched…

Off Campus 🏒

I had seen some press for this show about, to put it vaguely and succinctly, a college aged romance between a hockey player and a music student, and thought it wasn’t for me, but boy oh boy was I wrong. First of all, the cast is disgustingly charming. It’s hard not to want to be in that world with them. It’s so beautifully horny and filled with consent which we love—GIVE US MORE. I can’t help but think what my expectations of sex would have been if I grew up on this show rather than the ones of my youth (read: probably would have had safer and better sex). Better late than never.

It also handles story lines of sexual assault and domestic violence—and the often resulting trauma that begins to speak through our bodies—quite tenderly and lovingly, IMO.

I’ve seen a lot people say they are watching it again and I have a feeling I will too.

What I listened to…

Amanda N. Bray and Sarah Teresa Cook’s¹ conversation about creative containers. I was but a girl taking notes and crying.

What I’m loving…

We got this cantilever patio umbrella off FB Marketplace and I’m obsessed. Having an umbrella that is this easy to use and provides so much shade (especially in Colorado) is 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.

What I’m buying…

• A new swimsuit. Tis’ the season and I really want to try Left on Friday’s Hi-Hi Bottoms and Sunday Top. I learned about UPF clothing from Derm Views, so I’m thinking of pairing it with their long sleeve top.

• Tapered Candle Holder. Is there anything more romantic than a lit candlestick? That’s a rhetorical question. I’m considering this lemon one, this speckled double one, or this nautical one.

• Stuff for my honey from my Father’s Day collection 🤫🤫

What I’m wearing…

• Still in drapey clothes most of the time (e.g., these shiny pants and big as hell shirt), but I did pair my new Uniqlo Baggy Jeans with an old(er) Skims long sleeve I had laying around it and it was a very fab, almost monochromatic look that made me feel like a person…a tall order these days.

• Westman Atelier gifted me some make-up basics that are perfect for someone like me who wants to keep it simple (and under three minutes). I got the Baby Cheeks Blush Stick in Petal, the Squeaky Clean Liquid Lip Balm in Nou Nou and the Sun Tone Bronzing Drops in Soleil Parfait 1.² They all paired great together and gave me just a little bit flushed look.

  

  IYKYK

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meanwhile, this workaholic doesn’t know when to call it…

Questions and Relections for you:

• What’s your relationship to summer? How are you approaching this one? Am I the only struggling how to figure out how to be an adult, parent and also enjoy summer?

• Not a question, but let’s all just gush about Off Campus.

• COMING UP: On Monday, we have a Week in the Life post.

• DISCLAIMING: Therapy can be great. This ain’t therapy. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment. To find a mental health provider, Psychology Today or Zencare can be a place to start. || There are affiliate links on this page! That just means if you click on a link, find something you like and buy it, I’ll make some cash. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra. You can check out my Bookshop.com storefront here and ShopMy here.

• CONSIDER UPGRADING: As I mentioned, most of these bulletins will be for paid subscribers. Being a member at that tier also gives you access to In Session with Pop Culture pieces on current TV shows (we will start Ted Lasso in August), and free and discounted workshops (like the one starting on 6/28). Not to mention, the entire archive with 130 pieces and counting.

• COME SAY HI! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com.⁷ Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!

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Whether it’s your hype, eyeballs or dollars, I’m so grateful for your support of any kind <3

1. You can read Sarah’s Let’s Talk Therapy interview here.

2. I really like the way the drops went on my skin—I combined it with a dollop of my basic b face cream. TBH, I think I may even prefer them to these Drunk Elephant drops I’ve used for years.