final thoughts on "The Four Seasons" from an off-duty therapist

Part Four: Winter

This is a segment, dialoguing on dialogue, where I briskly (today’s admittedly less brisk, usually they’re more brisk—promise) explore a piece of media–TV, movies or music—with first thoughts. Inspired by Emma Specter’s column for Vogue where she narrates her thoughts as she watches a movie, movie trailer, or gets a first look of an upcoming movie. This is my take on that, weaving my personal reflections together with any therapeutic concepts I stumble upon along the way. I am not teasing out every single concept—I’m off the clock. This is a creative, not clinical, endeavor.

One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you.

When I started this a few weeks ago, I had no idea what was in store. I knew I liked the players, the premise, but had no idea where it would go and where I’d go with it.

Which I’m realizing is not entirely unlike marriage itself.

We’ve arrived at the final two episodes of season one: Winter.¹

Photo by Jon Pack/Jon Pack/Netflix © 2024 - © 2024 Netflix, Inc.

(if you need to catch up first: spring is here, summer here, and fall here)

CAST

Kate played by Tina Fey

Jack played by Will Forte

Anne played by Kerri Kenney

Nick played by Steve Carell

Danny played by Colman Domingo

Claude played by Marco Calvani

Ginny played by Erika Henningsen

Terry played by Toby Huss

Lila played by Julia Lester

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Episode 7: Ski Trip

1. Ooooh. Kate and Danny haven’t talked since the argument on family weekend. Is it just me or is it easier to let conflict linger inside of ourselves when we don’t see the person daily? I don’t see this as an inherently good or bad thing—maybe a little bit of space to let it simmer isn’t the worst thing; on the other hand, it probably could be resolved with less ire if we just leaned in. I will say I am shocked Danny didn’t tell Claude what their argument was about. In a lot of ways, it’s a generous choice—he’s not putting undue stress on Claude and his relationship with Kate; after all, it’s not about Claude, it’s about Kate—but gosh that is restraint I don’t always have within me regarding my personal relationships.

2. I won’t lie. I feel a sick satisfaction seeing Nicky boy with Ginny’s friends. Squirming upon arrival.

3. Terry! A little new blood into the group. I’m not sure I’m feeling a soul connection here, but excited to see Anne’s invited some love and companionship into her life.

4. Kate’s coming in hot toward Jack. Something’s brimming under the surface. I wonder if couples therapy will have provided any tools here.

5. Claude thinks he slept with Terry eighteen years ago! How excited he and Danny are to investigate is the best. “I love this mystery for us.” They have a playfulness between them that really fills me up. It’s such an important part of relationships that gets lost in the day-to-day grind and habits we get into. I can be kind of meh about Psychology Today pieces, but this one on “How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life” is well done and explains the different types of relationships playfulness.

6. This couples therapy sanctioned language is killing me.

   Kate: I need a moment.

   Jack: I’m listening.

   I kind of appreciate how clunky it feels to watch because this is my experience of how these pattern disruptions can look. It’s almost easier, less awkward in a way to just fight the way we are used to. The passive aggressive comments and sarcasm slip right out, whereas slowing down first to connect to oneself and the person across from you feels all sorts of vulnerable and weird. While I personally don’t think I could use the language they use, I do (on good days when I feel resourced) use something somewhat similar. I slow down. I notice what’s happening in my body. I connect with the part of me coming up and see if I can speak for it rather than through it.

   Not only is it uncomfortable to watch them do couples therapy speak through this tiff, I don’t feel like any resolution happened here. They blazed right through it. “I say this. You say that. We good?”

   Real repair hinges on us making sure we get what the person we’ve hurt is saying—and that means explicitly checking. Summarizing our understanding of how the person was hurt and asking, “Am I getting it?” Just last week I slowed my husband down in a conflict, “Instead of rushing to say ‘I’m sorry,’ it would mean so much more to me if I could feel that you are seeking to really understand why I’m hurt.”

   For me, “I’m sorry” is important in any good apology, but what goes miles further in reconnecting is pausing in “Shit. I really missed that. I can see why that would feel horrible.”

7. The texts on Jack’s phone and the changing of the passcode is certainly interesting. My instinct is he’s not cheating, but he’s obviously hiding something.

8. Danny’s “You wanna do this in snow pants? Fine. Speak.” made me audibly laugh. As someone who lives in a snow sports heavy place almost against their will, I have a similar sort of policy around what I do and don’t do in snow pants. I’m limited, OK?!

   

   Photo by Jon Pack/Jon Pack/Netflix © 2024 - © 2024 Netflix, Inc.

9. Here we go. Another apology to unpack.

   Kate: You have every right to still be mad at me. I-I feel horrible.

   Danny: You cannot talk about my husband that way. You and I need to establish some real boundaries.

   Kate: Of course.

   Danny: No, no, no. It’s not “of course.” You don’t have to like Claude, but you have to respect him. If you can’t do that—

   Kate: Danny, I am so sorry, okay? It’s just…I’m fucked up. I take shots at people when I’m unhappy and all I can say is I am genuinely sorry about what I said about Claude. It will never happen again and I know that it is my job to do the work to regain your trust.

   Danny: Okay, wait. That apology was really good. Who fixed you?

   Per what I just talked about above, I think these folks are too focused on the “I” in the apology and not putting enough emphasis on the experience of the other person. It’s great that Kate understands better why she overstepped—this is important, too—but I don’t hear her articulating that she understands why this hurt Danny.

   I love the moment when Danny stops her, “No, no, no. It’s not ‘of course.’” I think we all know how empty those types of apologies can feel. We need to know that the person is integrating what we are saying.

10. Danny: Jack’s not cheating. I mean he’s bad at logistics. You think a man who asks you what his pants size is gonna book a hotel room with a secret credit card? Come on.

    This is a good line, that honestly made me laugh, but I have to disagree. While ultimately my suspicion is that Jack is not cheating, I feel this logic is comparing apples to oranges. The logistics he off loads onto Kate—such as remembering his pant’s size and their social calendar—is mental labor he seems happy to be unburdened with. I would argue it’s not that he’s bad at it, it’s that he’s been socialized to feel entitled to outsource that work to his wife. The walking, talking mainframe of their life together. I actually think his willingness to expect her to hold all that for him lends itself to the idea that when it comes to the logistics of orchestrating an affair he’d all of a sudden have the capacity.

11. It’s interesting to watch Nick navigate how to connect with this Ginny’s friends. He is sort of picking on them on in a competitive way on while skiing, thinking this will gain traction. I won’t argue that some people connect through some healthy competition, we just talked about playfulness above, but it’s clear it is not registering for this group as a bid for intimacy.

12. “Real World: Snow Town” made me laugh.

13. The cracks between Ginny and Nick seem to be beginning…

14. This FaceTime between Nick and everyone else is sweet to see. I have parts of me who feel soothed when people, even when there is conflict and tension, genuinely extend warmth toward one another as Nick and Anne do to each other here.

15. Can’t help but notice Nick is playing a game on his phone to avoid Ginny’s friends just like he criticized Anne for in the first episode.

16. Tell ‘em Ginny! I feel a buzzing watching her hold his feet to the fire here.

    Ginny: All my friends think that you’re avoiding them.

    Nick: Well, it doesn’t seem like they really want me around.

    Ginny: That is bullshit. Nick, you’re not even trying to have a good time with them.

    Nick: Hey! I went skiing. I told them a hilarious story which they did not appreciate. I got groceries.

    Ginny: Yeah, you got groceries that only you like. I told you that half of my friends were sober, Nick, and you brought in champagne. Rachel was really offended by that.

    Nick: Wait, which one is Rachel? I—

    Ginny: Damn it, Nick! We are always with your friends. And your friends…Honestly, they’re not walk in the park, but I go, and I sit in that discomfort for you.

    Nick: Ginny, babe, I…I….

    Ginny: No, no, no. I’m really mad at you right now. And I’m gonna go on a moonlight hike with my friends. You’re not invited. And I’ll see you at midnight, OK?

    This is a very Terry Real approved type of confrontation. As I wrote about his therapeutic approach in February’s round-up:

    “Real is infamously blunt, particularly with men. Not because he thinks less of them, but because he thinks so much of them. He believes in them. In his heart of hearts, he sees how capable they can be as partners. He doesn’t let learned helplessness go unchecked. He insists, you can and you will do this–improve the way you interact–not just for your marriage, but for you. Every time you act in harmful ways toward her, you are injuring and abandoning parts inside of you, as well.”

17. I give Kate credit for acknowledging there is embarrassment connected to her worry about Jack possibly cheating. Similarly, I can understand how his face being stuck in his phone as she expressed this to him triggered her to cascade into hurling accusations.

18. Anddddd here we are. Jack apparently isn’t that bad at logistics as he surreptitiously began researching mediation. Which is, of course, his right, but it circles back to the idea that when it comes to protecting his interests and feelings, he can and will figure it out.

19. Kate says to Jack, “I could never leave you. Your life would fall apart.”

    This feels painful in only the way true things do. Not in that I think his life would actually fall apart—he’d figure it out, suddenly proficient in logistics—but in that this is THE dynamic where their relationship goes off the rails. I wish they would dig more in here. She says all this and he responds with is “You don’t like me anymore. I get it. I don’t like you much right now either. We don’t have to ruin everybody else’s vacation.”

    What?! That’s your solution. Really?

20. Claude comforting Kate made me a little teary. I hope this is a moment where she can begin to see him, not as some joke, but as a tremendously complex person (I really love him. Can you tell?)

21. Oh hold up. Did something happen to Nick?

22. Gosh, this is sad. Holy shit. I did not see that coming.

23. You may think I will back pedal on all the smack I talked about Nick. I will not be doing that. I stand by my criticisms. As I said with the Summer episodes, I make the rules of my grudges. One of which is, even death doesn’t absolve you of acting like an entitled man-child.

Episode 8: Fun

25. I spit out my drink at the “my colleague wrote ‘fun’ next to your name” short for funeral hahahahahaha. Every time I’ve been grieving, something like this happens and I consider it a nod from the universe reminding me that I’ll laugh again.²

26. Jack: I know you feel like I don’t do enough, but sometimes you have to trust me to help you.

    I’m getting a little hung up on the “you feel like I don’t” piece but I’m going to be generous here and move forward.

    I can see a world in which Jack’s learned helplessness led Kate to pick up the slack (and resentment) along the way—this is a way to protect from the exhaustion and pain of being disappointed over and over—then leading her to internalize a sort infantilized image of him. This came through in the last episode where she said his life would fall apart if they split up.

    I want to be clear. She seems to have plenty of reasons to view him this way—and—continuing to engage with him as if this was a fixed state only encourages the cycle. He’s right in some ways. If they are to stay together and want to rebuild, trust is a part of it. What I would add is he could probably do a bit more to suggest why she can trust him. There is always some faith involved in trust, but and give us something, Jack.

27. Kate: But we know what we have to do. We have to buckle down and push through and just work on it and just, like, keeping working until it’s okay. This is just what marriage is.

    I had to pause with this dialogue. I feel conflicted. A part of me hears this and thinks, “Yeah. Marriage—relationships of any kind—can be hard. There is work and discomfort involved.” Another part of me thinks, “But to what end?” Especially with these two. I don’t know that I feel a there, there, if you know what I mean?

28. Claude insisting Nick is a butterfly now, while Danny says he didn’t give a shit about butterflies, “Yet how ironic he has now become one.” Hahaha.

29. Jack. Jack. Jack. Oyyy. Not doing much for the trust building by prioritizing your need to be the nice guy over your wife’s need for support.

30. I can feel myself getting anxious knowing this is the last episode. How in the world are they going to even begin to “wrap this up” in the next 30 minutes?

31. Jack: You didn’t have to do that. I mean, just because I didn’t do it the way you wanted.

    Kate: It’s not the way I wanted, Jack. You didn’t do it.

    Yeah.

32. Fighting in other people’s home is so funny. There is something reigning you in from going fully at it but, at the same time, there are parts of you that want to go in even more because you can’t. As this episode is named, fun.

33. Give me a break with this funeral home shake down. I know it’s a plot device to prove some sort of point about Kate going too hard with the funeral director—I can give them credit that it’s also providing some comedic relief—but this is a miss for me. I think this issue they are having—his learned helplessness and her not knowing how to engage with it other than by giving in and becoming the martyr archetype—is worth sticking the landing for.

    

    Photo by Jon Pack/Jon Pack/Netflix © 2024 - © 2024 Netflix, Inc.

34. This “real family” discussion about who should speak at the funeral is understandable from all the sides. I see what Anne is saying. She doesn’t want to feel like the decades she spent with Nick means nothing, but and his relationship with Ginny also doesn’t mean nothing.

35. And now this conversation between Ginny and Kate about who knew Nick better and who matters more and who deserves to speak about him more. Agh. What a mess. Which grief is. It’s messy. We want to cling on to whatever is left.

36. A blip.

    Ouch, Kate. Not cool. Maybe Nick being with Ginny is but a blip in Kate’s memory of him, but my guess is what Ginny had with Nick and losing him so suddenly is a before and after type moment in her life. Anything but a blip.

37. Oh wow. They're really not gonna let Ginny speak.

38. I continue to really appreciate Ginny calling them on their bullshit.

39. Prepare yourself for another love fest about Danny and Claude. These two give me wings (like a butterfly 😜).

    Danny: You never give me space to feel what I’m feeling.

    Claude: Of course I want you to feel. That all I ever want.

    Danny: No, no, no, no. you want me to feel good. And happy. And when I don't, you say some stupid bullshit about our friend being a bug.

    Claude: It’s not bullshit. It’s beautiful.

    Danny: What if I had died? Would go around telling everybody I was a fucking bird? I feel like you’re off in Nonsense World and I’m facing all of this completely alone! A horrible thing happened to our friend, and it was random and meaningless, so stop trying to make meaning out of it. I don’t want to hear, “No, it’s okay, he’s not really gone” because he is. He’s not a butterfly. He’s dead. And it’s not beautiful or a part of a greater plan. It’s just sad! So just let me be sad.

    How many of us can relate to this?

    It’s a succinct depiction of how spiritual bypassing, even if very well-intentioned, can feel utterly dismissive. I suspect Danny will have a moment in time where he can engage with more spiritual aspects of Nick’s death, just not right now.

40. Oh lord, Anne is gonna see the pictures of Ginny and Nick.

41. Ooop. I’m tearing up. She’s taking them in. She’s seeing him. Goofy. Happy. To his point from the summer episodes, alive. Her pain about what happened between them—Nick and Anne—is real and valid. And so is what he had with Ginny. It’s a lot to hold, but it’s also the truth.

42. Anne to Ginny, “I guess I was just…scared that if you said something good it would mean 25 years of my life wasn’t real.”

43. Is Ginny pregnant?

44. OK. A moment of trust between Kate and Jack. It’s not the best example because she didn’t really have a choice—life and death, and all that—but I’ll allow it.

45. Claude read the book about Napoleon!! I was wondering when that would come back around.

46. When they all hug to comfort Jack who is having a wave cresting about Nick’s death, I feel the scope of the grief I will feel—we all will feel—in our lives. Woof. Deep breaths. A few tears. Not to change it, just to sit with gravity of that. The weight of that. I don’t want to be too Claude-esque here, but it feels like an honor. A deep burden and honor to love and to grieve.

47. This repair between Kate and Jack is sweet. I can feel sprinkles of that. I can also feel a part of me being like, “This is rich. He can show up when she’s fallen into a literal frozen lake and has hypothermia symptoms. It’d be nice if she didn’t have to be on the brink of death for him to snap to it.”

48. OK, so Kate’s backtracking on the “just push through” monologue from yesterday. She wants to stay in this marriage because he is her soulmate. It’s a callback to the first episode when she poo-pooed the idea of soulmates while Jack toasted to them. Obviously it’s just a show and everybody has different levels of intimacy and repair they need to feel safe, but watching this, I feel on edge…even in moments when they are “connecting.”

49. The butterfly!

50. Ginny is pregnant! This will give the second season new themes to explore and it means Ginny will stick around which I desperately want.

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I’m left feeling a bit like I did at the jump of the show, I wish I knew more about them than I do. Maybe that is not a bad thing.

Could it also be a metaphor? That there will always be more to know about those we love and care about —and—we’re not in control of whether or not we get to ever know it. There is some grief (and magic) in that, as well.

Hmm. Gonna chew on that a bit.

Let’s do this all again for season two, yeah?

Thank you to everyone who engaged in this one. It was super fun, expansive and challenging to do with y’all.

Questions for you:

1. Tell me—What did you think? Even if you fundamentally disagree with my takes, I’d love to hear how it landed for you and what you took from it.

2. Hopes for Season 2?

3. I found exploring more about play in relationships to be much needed right now. How do you play with your loved ones—partners, friends, children, co-workers?

4. What sorts of shorthand have you found works to slow down in conflict with someone?

5. Can you relate to Danny’s monologue about being given space to just feel? Whatever that may be.

If you want more:

• Tina Fey, Steve Carell and Cast Explain Episode 7 "Winter" Twist | The Four Seasons | Netflix—a fun Easter egg reveal in this and a take on the last scene of Nick.

• The Four Seasons Cast Plays Chaotic Game of Vacation-Themed "Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down" | Netflix

• 'The Four Seasons' Cast Chooses Who's 'Most Likely To' Organize a Group Trip & Believe in Soulmates

• Tina Fey, Colman Domingo & The Four Seasons Stars Share Behind-the-Scenes Photos | Netflix

• Coming up: Lots of fun stuff. Reflection on 2 years of sobriety, relatedly, a piece of how I’m responding to phone addiction, a Let’s Talk Therapy interview with

  Leslie Stephens
  (!!!), a round up for paid subscribers on what I read, watched and loved in May, and a piece on what others bring out in us. I’m bursting over here.

• Disclaiming. Therapy can be great. This ain’t therapy. You can find more info and my full disclaimer on my about page here. Abridged version: I’m a therapist, but not your therapist—even if you are a client of mine ~hi, dear one!~ this isn’t a session. I don’t think you could possibly confuse this newsletter with mental health treatment. Alas if that were to happen, let me say definitively, dialoguing is an entertainment and informational newsletter only, not a substitute for mental health treatment.

• Come say hi! Any comments, questions, suggestions, please feel free to email me at dialoguingsubstack@gmail.com—or if you’re reading this via email you can just hit reply and send me a message. Love hearing from you for any and all reasons!

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ICYMI:

• a dialogue on motherhood

• 34 thoughts while watching 'My Best Friend’s Wedding' from an off-duty therapist

• why did it take me five years to realize I had childbirth complications?

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Previous dialouging on dialogue segments:

• 33 thoughts while watching 'Nobody Wants This’ from an off-duty therapist

• 33 thoughts while watching ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ from an off-duty therapist

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1. It’s been announced, season two is on it’s way. The writers are working on it now.

2. my SATC stans, yes I’m thinking of that moment, too.