“BUILD ME A BIGGER HOUSE!”
My 4 year old, Archie, delivered this command with resounding urgency one morning this week.
He has shared on more than one occasion that he does not like our “small” house. Additionally, he takes major umbrage with our lack of stairs. Tiny, stairless, piece of crap house. (In reality, it’s a very nice, modest-sized, midcentury modern home that we are so privileged to live in, but he doesn’t know that now does he?) He will say to his friends with an apologetic tone, “You can come over but we don’t have any stairs.”
Woof. I knew we’d likely reach an age where he’d be unimpressed with what we had to offer. Four wasn’t exactly the age I had in mind. I thought we had more time. Survey says it developmentally appropriate to compare at this age, but still 😩.
A part of me thinks he sounds like a little shit. That part comes up whenever he says or does something I suspect others may wince at.
Thankfully, I’m able to refrain from parenting from there most of the time. I’ve gotten to know this dismissive part better recently. So far, what I know is that this part is really used to that phrase. She heard it a lot. When I’d want something inconvenient or something that seemed ludicrous to the adult-brained individuals around me: “you little shit.” This was slightly confusing. It was said with a smile and a shake of the head. It didn’t read as angry. It read exasperated. “Oh, you’re just too much. Silly, little girl.” This part saw my wanting be met with annoyance and diminishment. So she came up with a plan. She’d internalize “you little shit” energy to wield at will toward me, whenever she sensed I wanted something. Her goal: Avoid that feeling. She’d broadcast: No fools here!
When I notice this unabashed want in my child and my knee jerk response, I come back to this phrase I heard in Bringing up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting: Tyranny of their own desires. In the context of parenting, the idea was that French parents are less afraid to say “no” to their children. They purportedly see it as their duty to teach children how to experience disappointment and not let these poor little suckers succumb to the oppression of their wants. Letting your desires run wild can wreck a person—from unquenchable thirst to deafening despair.
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