say more: february 2025

some deep grieving, SNL all over, and ding-dong for dinner.

In therapy, clients will often recount something to me and then wait. Waiting for me to have a set reaction. But often, they haven’t said what this something meant to them, how they experienced it, what they felt. Which leaves me responding, “Say more…”

This is a monthly series where I explore what I engaged with—TV, books, movies, food, movement, maybe the rogue purchase—and what it made me feel.

One thing before we jump in, I show up very much as myself here. Myself first, and all my other labels are secondary. If a therapist speaking candidly feels like too much to your system, that is absolutely is OK and this may not be the best particular newsletter for you. TW: death of a pet.

photo caption: Taco Bell Logo; Donald Glover and Maya Erskine (David Lee/Prime Video—© Amazon Studios); Gracie Lawrence on 'Sex Lives of College Girls'. (Tina Thorpe/Max); Lasagna Soup (Matt Taylor-Gross for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Barrett Washburne.)

I felt myself in a holding pattern this month. With a move on the horizon, everything else could and did wait. I barely wrote, exercised or read.

Mostly, I worked, parented, packed and, if I had energy, watched TV, went to sleep, repeat.

And then we moved. Moving is always so disorienting—even when it’s what you want. This one was certainly no exception. This was our first move after becoming parents and let me tell you, it’s a whole other beast. There are emotional and logistically pieces that felt herculean at times. In the end, we are so in love with our new home. It may not be for everyone, but it’s the one that felt just right for us.

Unfortunately, within a day of moving in, Stan, our dear sweet baby¹ cat got seriously ill and quickly. We said goodbye to him this week. Letting him go was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

As many of you know, he was the brother of our other beloved kitty, Ernie. He is doing as well as you can when you lose your best friend and brother. The human brother that lives in our house, aka our 5 year old son, is integrating this the only way a 5 year old can, with lots of questions and a very loose understanding of what death actually means. Relatable.

I won’t lie to you. My heart is absolutely broken, my eyes are as puffy as they’ve ever been. I can see how arrogant this is in retrospect, but I thought I’d be ready emotionally when this day came. I categorically was not ready. Nowhere near it actually. At some point I will likely write more about this experience, but for now here are some of my favorite pictures of the most regal guy I ever knew.

is this even real life?

make it cozy but also acrobatic

I finished zero books this month. As someone who loves, more than most things in the world, to read an actual physical book, some could say this is an epic failure on my part. However, I am seeing this more as surrendering to what February was for us this year: a cobbling together of moments to pull off a move in very little time.

I did happen to read several lovely things from across the Substack universe and got my money’s worth on my NYT subscription this month:

“take it anyway” by

Caroline

of

Talking to Myself

. A beautiful beating heart of a piece around one’s relationship to grace.

“What about the first 5 years?” by

bridget

of

say more about that.

As you may have noticed, the title of her newsletter is similar to the name of this segment. It only makes sense, as Bridget is also a therapist. This is just what we say. Her piece about early motherhood is a must-read if the beginning of that sentence means anything to you. My response when I first read it, “woof. the ache of seeing your own insides written with someone else’s words. definitely not not crying at a coffee shop RN.”

“Boundaries 101: What I teach my patients” by

Pooja Lakshmin MD

of

Real Self-Care

. I sent this newsletter to several clients. I find the way she writes about boundaries and self-care to be fresh and concise. She talks about the concept of “the boundary is the pause.” If you don’t know what that means, I’d give this one a glance.

“I Was a Bad Father. How Do I Live With the Regret?” by Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and writer of the Ask a Therapist column for the NYT.² Truth game: Sometimes I go into reading advice columns knowing I will vehemently disagree. My cynical, argumentative, and contrarian parts ready for a fight, for some grit. There are some exceptions to this, like

Ask Polly

. I saw this question flash across my inbox and I couldn’t resist. Thankfully, Gottlieb’s response was chock full of accountability, compassion, IFS-type parts work, and a genuine apology. I thought to myself how many parents I wish could/would read this heartfelt feedback.

“How I Learned That the Problem in My Marriage Was Me” by

Daniel Oppenheimer

for New York Times Magazine.³ I read this myself multiple times. I sent it to clients and friends alike. It’s about a writer and his therapist wife going to couples therapy themselves with Terry Real. If you’ve been with me since the beginning, you know I’m a very big fan of his work. I couldn’t write a newsletter without mentioning him after re-reading Us and I Don’t Want to Talk About It. Real has a moment where he, as his name would suggest, keeps it really fucking real with Oppenheimer. The author is acknowledging he has parts of him that want more credit for all the progress he’s made in behaving less harmfully in his marriage. Real’s response, “Your expectations of your own progress are pretty mediocre at best.”

Real is infamously blunt, particularly with men. Not because he thinks less of them, but because he thinks so much of them. He believes in them. In his heart of hearts, he sees how capable they can be as partners. He doesn’t let learned helplessness go unchecked. He insists, you can and you will do this–improve the way you interact–not just for your marriage, but for you. Every time you act in harmful ways toward her, you are injuring and abandoning parts inside of you, as well.

On Deck: As I finish editing this, I’m on a flight to Miami to meet a friend from Chicago. Our goal sets are first and foremost to connect, but our second order of business is to read. I have brought with me Daniel Black’s Issac’s Song, B.K. Borison’s First-Time Caller, and per a reader’s suggestion from awhile ago, I picked up Miranda Cowley Heller’s Paper Palace from a Little Free Library. I also brought a book related to work I’m reading for the second time, Somatic Internal Family Systems by Susan McConnell.